King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof
by Nintendo Maximus
Summary: Bowser makes some wacky attempts at taking over the Mushroom Kingdom in this parody of the SMB3 cartoon DVD. Hilarity ensues as the Mario Bros. fight off disastrous plot holes and even worse animation goofs.
1. Reptiles in the Rose Garden

_**Note From the Editor/Author:** Due to the original version of this fanfic being removed for this website due to having been written in script format, I have taken the liberty of rewriting the entire story in story format. Personally, I think this fanfic works better in its original format, but please try to enjoy anyway!_

_**King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof**_

**By Nintendo Maximus**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Super Mario Bros. or any other characters who might be making unexpected special guest appearances in this fanfic. And in case you're wondering, I don't hate the _Super Mario Bros. 3_ cartoon. It's actually my favorite of the three "seasons" of the Super Mario Bros. cartoons. I just want to poke fun.

**Author's Note:** Last year, I got the DVD for the SMB Super Show, "Mario's Greatest Movie Moments". And after reading an outtakes fanfic for the adjacent Sonic the Hedgehog DVD, I decided to make outtakes for the SMBSS DVD. So I wrote "SMBSS Outtakes!" Now, semi-recently, I got the new Adventures of SMB3 DVD, "King Koopa Katastrophe" (whose case, by the way, makes no mention that it's a DVD for SMB3). And I felt that I wanted to do an outtakes fanfic for this new DVD as well. But no longer allows outtake fanfics, so what was I to do? Simple! Just do what an earlier review suggested - SMB cartoon parody! I needed a break from cartoon novelizations anyway. So I'm going to do spoofs of every SMB3 episode on the "King Koopa Katastrophe" DVD. (But don't ask me to do a spoof of the bonus Sonic Underground episode. Sonic Underground sucks.) And not only will the characters be giving references to "SMBSS Outtakes!", the running gag of unexpected special guests returns as well! But now, let's start the DVD spoof with...

* * *

**The EXTENDED "Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3" Theme Song YOU Were NEVER Meant To Hear!**

**It was a legend no one will forget! No will forget it because, thanks to an early appearance in a thinly-disguised 100-minute commercial known as "The Wizard", it became the best-selling Nintendo Entertainment System game of all time! It was a legend so big, it was enhanced with better graphics and sound in 1993! And now this is a legend coming soon to your Game Boy Advance SP! Everyone thought King Bowser Koopa had left the Mushroom Kingdom after his humiliating defeat in RoboLand where he was tricked into pushing the Eject button on his robosuit. But then, direct from the Banishment Zone the DVD case claims he escaped from, his Doomship attacked! I don't know what the DVD case means when they say he escaped from a "Banishment Zone" or how he managed to get that giant airship, but whatever reason for either of those improbabilities, King Koopa was back! And with him, the so-called "greatest danger ever known" - his Koopa Kids! With nicknames so stupid they never call themselves by their real names on this show, these eight little SOBs, one of whom isn't on this show as he wouldn't be thought up for another twelve years, were the kind of kids who would make you want to quit being a babysitter, even if your first name was Vicky! But even though these seven brats managed to turn seven monarchs into animals, they were no match for the Kingdom's defenders! Brought to their Mushroom World parents by a stork, grown up in the streets of Brooklyn, New York, harassed by an old gorilla later renamed Cranky Kong, discovering a secret entrance that brought them back to their homeworld, they were the courageous Mario Mario and the not-quite-as-courageous Luigi Mario! Using their new Super Powers, the Super Mario Bros. rescued Princess Toadstool, and beat back the eeee-vil Koopa Family!**

"I'll get those $# plumbers!" King Bowser Koopa swore as the intro narration ended.

* * *

**"Reptiles in the Rose Garden"**

Scary music played from out of nowhere as an unseen camera panned up to the castle of King Bowser Koopa. A stereo, a hair-dryer, a bicycle, and a fur coat were thrown out this window as some unintelligible gibberish was heard. Inside, Bowser Koopa himself was talking to his only daughter, Wendy O. Koopa, or as the original script of this whole story preferred to call her, "Kootie Pie Koopa".

"But Kootie Pie," the Koopa King begged, "we plundered the whole Mushroom Kingdom to get you the best gift a Koopa could steal! I even made a barter with Wario and Waluigi on that bicycle! And quite frankly, that fur coat ya just threw out woulda come in handy durin' the winter months..."

"It's not E-NOUGH! And don't call me 'Kootie Pie'!" Wendy really hated it whenever her dad, or anyone else for that matter, called her by that name.

"I know you're upset, Kootie Pie..." Bowser started to state the obvious.

"DON'T CALL ME 'KOOTIE PIE'!" With that, Wendy kicked her birthday cake out the window as well. It was quite clear to Bowser that she wasn't in the mood to hear "Happy Birthday to You".

"Ho man," the big guy muttered to himself. "I was able to live peacefully with bein' called 'King Koopa' on our last season, but my own kids can't take having nicknames! Why didn't Mr. Heyward read the Super Mario Bros. 3 instruction manual?" He turned to Wendy, who was now pouting on the floor. "OK, _ Wennn-dy_, just tell King Daddyins what ya'd really like for your birthday."

Wendy stopped pouting and gave her answer. "Amewica."

"But sweetums! America's in the real world!" Bowser tried to reason with her. "To the people living there, we're just characters in a video game! They'll never believe that they're bein' taken over by characters they see on their Nintendo Entertainment System. They'll just think it's some kind of publicity stunt."

"I DON'T CARE!" Wendy continued pouting. "I want America for my birthday! I WANT IT, I WANT IT, I WANT IT!"

Bowser rolled his eyes. "All right, babycakes, anything you say. After all, you are turning... uh... ummm..." He turned to the offscreen director and asked, "How old is she turning?"

"Sixteen!" answered the director. "She's turning 'sweet sixteen'!"

"Sweet sixteen!" Bowser was confused. "I can't say she's that age. She's not even four in Japan! Just listen to how she speaks! My youngest kid speaks better English than her, and he hasn't even been thought up yet!"

But whether his only Koopette was six or sixteen, Bowser reluctantly agreed to let Wendy rule America, even though most people, mostly adults, wouldn't seriously take commands from someone who only existed as a character in video games.

0-0-0

A few minutes later, the usual Mario Bros. group for this show was walking around Grassland, minding their own business, seeing how they couldn't poke it into anyone else's.

"It sure is nice not to worry about the Koopas for a while," said Princess Peach Toadstool, not exactly stating the obvious.

"Yeah, when King Koopa gives his kids a birthday party, they stay Koopa-ed up in Koopa Castle all day!" Luigi Mario laughed at his very little joke. "Hehe, I made a funny!"

_Damn,_ thought Mario Mario, _I thought we had left the enemy puns back in the first season..._

"Of course," Toad interrupted, "we still got to worry about da Wario Bruttas, Wart, Tatanga, Foreman Spike, King K. Rool, Kaptain Skurvy, Wizpig, Gruntilda, Evil Acorn, Master Hand, any chance that Smithy may still be alive..."

"Shut up, Toad!" Mario halted his companion's list. "All of those guys won't be around for another few years!"

"Actually, Spike, Wart, and Tatanga have already been created," Toad corrected.

"Not in Japan, Wart and Tatanga haven't," Mario mumbled. At that point, he then looked up and noticed... "Oh no! It's King Koopa's Doomship! Quick, let's stand here like idiots and hope that the guns don't hit us!"

They did so. Fortunately for them, the Doomship's guns had lousy aim, so their targets weren't hit.

"I'll see if I can stall them while you guys run," Peach said to her companions.

"What?" Mario was surprised. "You're ACTUALLY gonna stand up to them, Princess?"

"What? You think I'm some kinda wuss just 'cause I'm a blonde?"

"Uh, no!" Mario reasoned. "It's just that... on our previous season, the only times you ever saved the day were when Luigi, Toad, and I got hit with that itching disease as well as the time _we_ tried to rescue _you_ by going into Koopa's fortress using the 'Trojan Horse' approach! And technically, you're not a blonde on TV..."

"What! My hair's still red?" Peach touched at her hair. "Damn it! I thought I showed the production designer my character designs from the games!"

Unfortunately for them, some Chain Chomps came down and bit the quartet by their feet, because they didn't run when they had the chance.

"Oh!" Mario yelped as one of the Chain Chomps nabbed his left foot. "Now look, girlfriend! See what your rare little burst of activism has done to us?"

Wendy and Bowser appeared on the deck of the Doomship to taunt their enemies. "_You're_ just Princess Peach Toadstool of the measly Mushroom Kingdom," said Wendy, pointing at Peach. "And you are very inferior! You're always letting yourself get captured, and your father is so stupid he can't even open a peanut butter jar!"

"How did she know that?" Peach asked her friends.

"But I, Wendy O. Koopa, beautiful Koopette that I am," the Koopette continued, "am going to be Empwess of Amewica! Aha ha ha."

"Why's she talkin' like Elmer Fudd?" Toad asked, referring to Wendy's speech impediment.

"You think that's strange?" Mario said to the mushroom retainer. "Luigi and I are the ones from Brooklyn, but _you're_ the one with the accent!"

Bowser patted his daughter's head. "You really know how to make a daddy proud." He then focused his attention to the Chain Chomps. "Take 'em to the dungeon!"

"Oh, our poor home country!" Luigi whined. "Now we can't tell 'em the Koopas are comin'!"

"Don't worry about it, Luigi!" Mario said, looking rather confident.

"How can we _not_ worry about it?" Luigi looked more sensible about the situation. "Bowser's about to lay siege to the land of the free and the home of the brave! It's almost as bad as an attack from Iraq!"

"Well, I'm sure the Americans can respond to the Koopas' attack without problems!" Mario said, still looking confident. "Remember, to them, we're just characters in a video game."

0-0-0

Soon, in Washington D.C., the Doomship came out of a warp pipe that happened to be in the clouds. How there could possibly be a pipe leading to a fictional land hovering above the state of Maryland is beyond me, though. Anyway, the Doomship then hovered over the White House. George Bush, Sr. was sitting behind his desk in the Oval Office when this happened. Of course, he doesn't really notice that something from a video game was hovering outside his place, nor did he care, because he was too busy talking on the telephone to pay any attention to what was going on outside.

"Oh, there Daddy!" Wendy pointed at the White House. "There's the castle of Amewica's Pwesident. _They_ call it 'the White House'!"

Bowser looked through a window with his periscope. "And President Bush is inside! All right, Sledge Bros., warp the White House away to my castle! I'll take care of it later."

And so, with a little ray gun that Bowser just happened to have lying around, the Sledge Bros. lifted the White House off of its foundation and teleported out of Earth's atmosphere. Then Bowser picked a megaphone and announced to the citizens below: "Attention America! Your new ruler, Empress Kootie Pie..."

"That's Empress Wendy O. Koopa!" Wendy interrupted.

"Whatever..." Bowser rolled his eyes again and continued his announcement. "...has called her first press conference!"

"Ha! Yeah right!" A certain American teenager scoffed, and started walking around, acting fake scared. "Oooh, we're being taken over by a character from a Nintendo game! Oooh, I'm soooo scared!"

Bowser shouted commandingly through his microphone. "I must ask you to attend this conference or I shall be forced to shoot you right between the eyes!"

"Aaaah! OK! OK! We'll attend!" The teenager flailed his arms, then mumbled to himself, "Man, didn't Super Mario 3 get enough publicity in "The Wizard"?

"Thanks," said Bowser, not seeming to hear the teen's mumbling. "Ya wouldn't wanna be near my little girl when she throws a fit... I should know."

0-0-0

Half an hour later (or a second, seeing how they switched to the next scene), Empress "Kootie Pie" and her papa stood on the lawn in front of where the White House once stood, surrounded by the paparazzi. None of the press was really paying attention, because they were pretty sure this was all just a publicity gimmick by Nintendo of America to promote any new games that were now available at the time.

"It's time for a meaner, cwueler, America! I'd..." Wendy started to announce.

"Skip the freakin' speech and just read 'em your new laws!" Bowser interrupted.

"Fine!" Wendy took a scroll from out of nowhere and read aloud from it. "Law number one - every kid in America must give me their toys!

"No!" squealed a little girl. "Not my Kim Possible Fan Barbie action figure! I just got it at Wal-Mart for $25.99! Can't you just get one of your own?"

"I could, but that would take all the fun out of being a bad girl." Wendy continued with her laws. "Law numbuh two - any handsome boy who does not ask me for a date will be turned into a rock!"

Three handsome boys standing nearby just laughed. The leader of the trio, wearing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles t-shirt, spoke up. "Yeah right! Why would anyone want a relationship with a female reptile from their video games? I see much more romantic spark between a hedgehog and a squirrel! In fact, I even see a better relationship between a sixteen-year-old red-haired male and a teenage robot with pure white 'skin' and blue 'hair'!"

"Why you little--!" Using his magic wand, Bowser cast a spell on the three boys. But instead of rocks, they turned into ice sculptures. "Oops. Wrong transformation. It's a new wand!" Bowser made as many casts from that wand as he could, but no matter what he tried, he simply couldn't turn those boys to stone.

After Bowser's twenty-seventh try, Denzel Crocker suddenly stormed into the scene, snatched the wand from Bowser, turned the boys to stone as requested, and then smacked "King Koopa" on the head with it. "You low-life cross between a lizard and an inferior toad! This is _my_ wand! I'm saving it to use for when I capture..." At that point in his statement, Mr. Crocker went into his usual spasms. "..._A FAIRY GODPARENT!_"

And with that, Mr. Crocker left the lawn with Bowser springing like an accordion, upset that once again somebody had gotten his genus pedigree wrong. Wendy couldn't help but roll over laughing at the special guest appearance she had just witnessed. Finally, she caught her breath and announced her third law. "Ahem. Law numbuh three - all the gold in Fort Knox will be melted down to make me a lifetime supply of charm bracelets."

"Couldn't you just buy that many?" asked a citizen. "If your dad's really a king, then that makes you a princess, and therefore someone with a hefty allowance!"

"SHUT UP!" Wendy yelled. "That's about it."

"Yay, Kootie Pie!" Bowser applauded. "That's the way!"

"Don't call me 'Kootie Pie'!" Wendy said again.

"Whatever." Bowser put one hand on his chest and shed a tear for no apparent reason. "Recite after me, America! I pledge allegiance to Kootie Pie, and to the repulsiveness for which she stands, one Koopa underground, reprehensible, with Beetles and Goombas for all."

The confused press members looked at each other. "What the funky monkey ass!"

Wendy looked at the press. "This actually supwises you, boys? Weren't any of you listening? I just announced that I'm taking over this country!"

One particular press member pointed a finger at the reptilian princess. "Listen here, you little horny bitch! You've only been here for 45 minutes, and I've already had enough of you! Wait'll I tell President Bush about this little hostile takeover!"

Wendy sighed. "You see, this is why you need a bwain. We alweady told you we transported him out of this weal world. You got a beef about me, take it up with me."

The press member kicked dirt. "Aw, donkey's ass!"

Wendy slapped her forehead. "Oh, for the sake of my namesake, be respectable, people! My big daddy here might one day wule da _whole_ weal world!"

"Hmmmm, that's not a bad idea, babycakes!" said Bowser. "I'll head back to Darkland and make plans to attack various cities around here. Eh, is it OK if I attack any cities you already own?"

"Yeah sure, no problem," agreed Wendy, not seeming to care.

0-0-0

The Action News people may not have been paying any attention to what they were recording on their cameras, but meanwhile, in a state with a name that no one bothered to say, an orange-haired fourth grader with thick-rimmed glasses and three freckles on each of his cheeks, having seen this broadcast as it was interrupting the morning cartoons, turned off his television set and turned to his two friends. The one on his left was a Hispanic-skinned boy with a Mexican accent and a need for speed, and on his right sat a purple-haired girl who spoke with a Western accent to match her talent. (By the way, the orange-haired freckle-face had an obvious crush on the Western-speaking girl, but that has nothing to do with this story.)

"Boy, that must be quite a stage show if it's getting its live broadcast to interrupt regularly scheduled programs," said Hector Corrio.

"Yeah!" Brenda Snyder agreed. "'N they got puh-retty convincin' costumes, too!"

"Costumes, eh?" Crandall Connors turned to his friends. "My friends, I do believe that there's more to this 'stage show' than there seems."

"You mean..."

"It really _is_ a takeover?"

"In-deed," said Crandall. "And worse, it's a takeover on our home country!"

"Chik-ouch!" Hector declared. "That could mean I really _will_ have to give her Mr. Paddle!"

"Oooh!" Brenda shivered. "If Barclae were the firstborn in mah family, he'd be in serious trouble!"

"In-deed," Crandall said again, "but only if we don't do something about it. Let's get going!"

So off they headed to save the United States of America. Crandall's "Earth-Mom" actually bought the lame-ass "we're-just-going-to-Hector's-house-for-a-pool-party" excuse, seeing how she couldn't figure out why she never saw her son and "that boy from Teamo Supremo" in the same place.

The minute they were out of the vicinity of his house, Crandall gave the signal. "Rope me, Brenda!"

And with those three words, the trio began their lengthy little sequence that somehow resulted in them transforming into their heroic alter-egos.

"_Buh-za!_"

"_Chi-ka!_"

"_Wuh-pa!_"

They stood in front of a background colored like the American flag and rang out, "_TEAMO SUPREMO!_"

A man sitting on a bench reading the National Enquirer happened to look up from his articles when he noticed Teamo Supremo's strange transformation. "Hmph. Superhero transformations are getting weirder these days."

0-0-0-

Meanwhile, in Darkland, the White House was now sitting pretty right in front of Bowser's Castle. George Bush was still on the phone, so he didn't know that his "castle" wasn't in the right place. But Mario and company happened to have a window in their dungeon, and they could see Mr. Bush's predicament perfectly.

"Look, Luigi! There in the White House!" Mario pointed out the window. "That's the President of the United States!"

"Uh, Mario, isn't his name George Bush? Can't we just say his real name?" Luigi questioined.

"I don't know if we're allowed to," Mario pondered. "The Ninja Turtles didn't refer to him by name on _their_ show..."

"It doesn't matter!" Princess Peach declared. "If we don't get him and the White House back to the real world, Kootie Pie will ruin America!"

"But how can we help America when we can't even help ourselves? They've got us triple-guarded." Luigi indicated the Chain Chomps chomping at their feet, and the Boomerang Bros. and Fire Bros. surrounding them.

"Leave it to me, Luigi," Peach said, looking determined.

Luigi rolled his eyes at Mario and Toad. "We're doomed."

Peach approached a nearby Fire Brother. "Hey! That guy in the funny helmet," she said, indicating a Boomerang Brother, "told me his boomerang was more powerful than _your_ fireball!"

"He said WHAT!" The Fire Brother got real angry.

"So go ahead. Let him call you a wimp." Peach further tormented the Fire Brother.

The Fire Brother leapt at the Boomerang Brother and began slapping him repeatedly. "YOU STUPEED EEDIOT! I WILL KEEEEL YOU!" And with that, he fried the boomerang.

"Yeeow!" screamed the Boomerange Brother.

Peach turned to the Boomerange Brother. "Are you going to let him do that to you?" After the Boomerange Brother struck back, she turned to another Fire Bro. "You're not going to let him get away with that, are you?"

The second Fire Brother shook his head. "No way! I'll teach those stupid boomerang-fancying bitches a thing or three!"

The Fire Bros. and Boomerang Bros. continued fighting as Peach called to her servant and the plumbers. "Quick, hold up your chains!"

"You mean these things?" Mario, Luigi, and Toad pointed to the Chain Chomps biting their legs.

"Get over here, right into the crossfire!" Peach called, not bothering to answer their question.

They all picked up the blocks to which the Chomps were attached and let the chains get cut by the onslaught of fireballs and boomerangs. None of the good guys got hurt in this battle, but the Chomp heads ran off whimpering because they were pussy... dogs, that is.

"Quick, run for it!" Peach said to her cohorts.

"I gotta admit it, Princess!" Mario said as they jumped out of the battlefield. "You really HAVE gotten more courageous since the first season!"

The first Fire Brother watched them escape. "Ohhh... I'm such a dummy!"

The three heroes and sometimes-wimpy heroine jumped through a pipe conveniently located in the dungeon. It deposited them in front of where the White House stood just in time for them to see the Doomship coming back from Earth. Bowser pulled out his megaphone again, this time to speak to six of Wendy's seven brothers: Ludwig Von Koopa, Roy Koopa, Morton Koopa Jr., Larry Koopa, and the twins, Iggy & Lemmy Koopa. Or as they were called on the show for some stupid reason that apparently meant that the writers didn't read the instruction manual: "Kooky Von", "Bully", "Bigmouth", "Cheatsy", and "Hip" & "Hop".

"Attention Koopa Klan! Your sweet sister Kootie Pie..." Bowser announced, and then spoke to himself. "'Sweet' my little feetsies! She oughta be Gaz Membrane's playmate!" He continued announcing. "...has finally found a birthday present that makes her happy!"

"Give the b-b-b-b-brat a country and she finally stops nagging!" Morton Koopa Jr. commented.

Bowser looked through his periscope, now a telescope, for no reason. "I'm gonna keep her happy..." he announced, and then spoke to himself again. "...and complaint-free..." He spoke aloud again. "...by putting America's true leader where he'll never be rescued - at the bottom of the Mushroom Sea!"

Bowser laughed heartlessly as he transported the White House into the so-called Mushroom Sea. This sea's name was a misnomer, as it was parked closer to Darkland than it was to the Mushroom Kingdom. But to Bowser, it didn't matter so long as the house sunk. George Bush still hadn't put down the phone, so he didn't see that his building was sinking. But his wife sure did.

"HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP!" Barbara Bush screamed endlessly. "My husband can't swim because he spends all his time talking to ominous people and never any time with his family!"

Mario's friends watched as the White House sunk to the bottom of the Darkland sea. Fortunately, there just happened to be a Frog Suit in a nearby treasure chest, so Mario snapped it on.

"Get going, Mario," Peach commanded, "or America's sunk!"

"You don't have to make such lame puns, Peach! Ribbit!" Mario dove into the water.

Peach looked at where Mario jumped in. "Easy for _him_ to say!"

And so Frog Suited Mario swam around the "Mushroom Sea", avoiding Bloobers, Cheep-Cheeps, Rip Van Fishes, Jelectros, and the like. As he swam away from these "piranhas", he heard some unidentifiable voice singing about frogs. He looked around a block and saw Kermit the Frog playing his banjo and singing.

"Uh, excuse me," Mario tapped Kermit's shoulder. "You're on the wrong show."

"Oh, sorry." Kermit swam away as Mario continued being chased by his aquatic enemies.

Eventually he made it to the sunken White House and banged on the front door till his fist ached. Finally Mrs. Bush opened the door for a second to let him in. "Are you from the secret service?" she asked.

"Even better!" Mario took off his Frog Suit. "The Super Mario Bros. Super Plumbing Service!"

"What?" Mrs. Bush was confused about this. "Isn't that something in a video game?"

"Uh, yeah," Mario acknowledged.

Mrs. Bush sighed of relief. "Oh, I _knew_ this was just a publicity stunt!"

"Publicity stunt, my buttocks! Bowser's sole bitch really _has_ taken over America! Didn't you read the script?" Mario said, holding it up.

Mrs. Bush put out her arms. "I never received it!"

"Well, forget it!" Mario threw the script away. "What this place needs is a super drain! Get me a knob and I'll hook it up to the pipes that are somehow placed in the Oval Office!"

So Mario hooked up a bunch of pipes to a device or something as Mrs. Bush watched. He then turned a knob and all the water was drained, illogically causing the White House to surface. Mr. Bush didn't realize his life had just been saved by a video game character, because he was STILL on the phone! Geez, doesn't he ever hang up and attend to his children's needs? But although Mr. Bush was oblivious to this whole escapade, at least his wife was able to do the congratulations.

"You're a brilliant plumber, Super Mario, even if you _are_ just a video game character or whatever. I know the President will recommend you to all our friends."

"Yes, but will they take it seriously?" Mario questioned.

Just then, Luigi, Peach, and Toad showed up in a rowboat. "Mario!" Peach called.

Again, Mrs. Bush was surprised and confused. "Holy crap! More characters from your games? What's going on here?"

"For the love of Star Haven, Mrs. President! Didn't you read the freakin' script?" Luigi complained. "Koopa's loadin' up the Doomship for an attack on London, Paris, and... yeesh, Brooklyn!"

Now Mario was confused. "Why Brooklyn? Wendy's already in control in the USA, and therefore Brooklyn. Why should Bowser attack a place his daughter already owns? Or are you talking about a foreign Brooklyn that's not in the USA?"

"It doesn't matter which Brooklyn Bowser's attacking! You and Luigi are the only ones who can stop the real world from becoming Koopa's World!" Peach declared.

"Just us? Couldn't we just let Superman or Batman handle it?" Mario asked.

"No." Peach answered.

"Then maybe we could leave it to Spiderman or the Incredible Hulk?"

"No."

"Well then, how 'bout the Rescue Rangers?"

"Nah."

"Could we just call Kim Possible, then?"

"We probably could, but... no."

"What about Jenny, the Teenage Robot?"

"Naw..."

"The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?"

"Nope."

"The Funky Cops?"

Peach sighed. "No."

"He-Man and the Masters of the Universe?"

"Nuh-uh."

"Max Steel?"

"Nada."

"The Powerpuff Girls?"

"Nix."

"Jimmy Neutron?"

"No."

"The Gargoyles?"

"Ix-nay."

"The Samurai Pizza Cats?"

"Ada-nay."

"Darkwing Duck?"

"Nopers."

"Bill & Ted?"

"What?"

"That Dib Membrane kid on 'Invader ZIM'?"

"Damn it, NO! You and Luigi are the ones who're supposed to save the freakin' real world!" Peach screamed.

"But why?" Mario questioned. "All these other guys are perfectly capable of saving the world! Except maybe Dib... But why do _we_ have to do it?"

Peach put a finger on Mario's chest. "Because this is YOUR SHOW!"

"Oh yeah," said Mario. "Say, why are we calling Earth 'the real world', anyway? Are we coping well with the fact that we don't really exist?"

"I don't know, ask Mr. Heyward." Toad shook his head. "He's producin' dis show!"

0-0-0

So Mario and Luigi took a warp pipe that somehow brought them to the planet Popstar. This was of course impossible, because Popstar was in a completely different Nintendo franchise, but that didn't stop them from returning to Darkland dressed in what appeared to be Hammer Suits. They were gonna need them, seeing how there weren't any treasure chests containing Hammer Suits in Darkland.

Luigi looked uncomfortable with his Hammer Suit. "Mario, are you sure these disguises will let us sneak aboard Koopa's Doomship?"

"For the love of Shigeru Miyamoto, of course they'll work!" Mario said as they walked to the Doomship. "They fooled the enemies in the game, so they're bound to work here! Besides, I payed 1,995 Coins for these, and for that price, they'd _better_ work."

They jumped onto the Doomship, but the first Sledge Brother they ran into saw right through them. "Puttin' on a little weigh, arentcha, Mario?"

Mario shook his fists. "Crap! How did you know it was us!"

"Simple," the Sledge Brother pointed out. "That's not a Hammer Suit you're wearing; that's just a helmet, a fake turtle beak, and a shell on your back.

"Damn that NightMare Enterprises salesman!" Mario cursed. "Now I know why King Dedede is always complaining about him!"

"GET 'EM BOYSSSSS!" the Sledge Brother commanded to his sledge-bearing brethren.

All the Sledge Bros. on the ship gave chase after the poorly-disguised Mario Bros. Fortunately, the Sledge Bros. were as large as they were slow, and their aim was almost as lousy as the guns from earlier, so Mario and Luigi had no problems avoiding these big lugs. As he and his brother ditched their sucky disguises, Mario ran into the cockpit and turned on the ignition key. The Doomship flew off just as Bowser was coming out of his castle.

"Aaahh!" Bowser screamed at the sight of his airship flying away. "My Doomship's been hijacked! I must get it back. Kooky! Ready my Koopa Clown Car! We're goin' ship huntin'."

"No!" said Ludwig Von Koopa defiantly.

"What?" Bowser was confused as to why his smartest son was disobeying him.

"You called me kooky!" Ludwig pouted. "That's a girl's name, you know!"

"I didn't insult you!" Bowser argued. "That's just what Mr. Heyward wants you to be called on this show!"

As Bowser and his oldest son continued their pointless argument, the Doomship flew over to the floating White House and Mario took control of the ray that had beamed it to Darkland. Even more illogically than the rocket pipes he made earlier, he levitated the White House through the pipe before following himself. When he came out though, he suddenly noticed that he had placed the White House on top of the Washington Monument. It was at this point that Mr. Bush FINALLY looked out the window. He could've at least looked out two minutes earlier.

"Hey, what the hell's goin' on here?" Mr. Bush proclaimed. "Why's the House teetering way up here?"

"For the sake of George Washington, Mario!" Mrs. Bush whined from her standing point. "My husband can't run the country under _these_ conditions!"

"Don't worry, Mr. and Mrs. President! Next time, I'll put the White House right where it belongs!" Mario called, not seeming to notice that he hadn't bothered calling the Bushes by their real name. "Geez, why didn't Bowser put the owner's manual on this wooden blimp!" he muttered to himself.

But as with Bowser's failed attempt at turning the three handsome boys to stone, Mario had a lot of trouble trying to put the White House back in its proper place. He wound up sending it to Egypt (where it sat on the Sphinx), Paris (where it teetered on top of the Eiffel Tower, no less!), Japan (where it sat on Nintendo Company, Ltd.), Germany (it crushed the former Nazi hideout), Australia (it nearly crushed the hideout of Percival McLeech, the evil poacher from "The Rescuers Down Under"), Antarctica ("Mrs. President" complained about her and "Mr. President" getting frozen), California (it made itself comfy on the "Hollywood" sign as well as Sleeping Beauty Castle at Disneyland), and New York (it tottered on the Statue of Liberty).

0-0-0

While all that was going on, Wendy O. "Kootie Pie" Koopa, still on the lawn, was sitting on a lounge chair, relaxing in the sunlight while a Boomerang Bro filed her toenails. "Ahh..." she said. "It's such a nice day to be sunbathing... especially when you're the only one in the countwy allowed to!" And she laughed evilly to boot.

Suddenly, who should show up but...

"Step away from the sunlight, _Wendy O. Koopa!_" Captain Crandall demanded.

"And if you're really sixteen, act like it!" Skate Lad commented.

"Ah have nothin' to add!" added Rope Girl.

"Finally! Someone who knows my weal name!" Wendy removed her sunglasses. "Well well well, if it isn't Teamo Supwemo, diwect fwom their unknown state! What bwings you here?"

"We've come to save America from your clutches, _Wendy!_" Captain Crandall announced, putting an emphasis on the villain's name again.

"So give up your empress title and come peacefully." Skate Lad requested.

"You don't wanna see us when we get feisty!" Rope Girl twirled her rope.

"I'm not convinced. Koopa Pack, attack!" On Wendy's cue, the Boomerang Brother jumped over the lady boss, and with him came a Fire Brother, a Sledge Brother, and two Hammer Bros. All five helmet-wearing Koopas advanced on Teamo Supremo.

Captain Crandall tossed his Level 7 Marbles. "_Buh-za!_" The Boomerang Brother slipped on Capt. Crandall's Marbles and fell on his back, becoming inactive.

The Fire Brother advanced on Rope Girl, who jumped in the nick of time, yelling, "_Wuh-pa!_" The Fire Bro fell right through her jump rope, defeated.

Skate Lad turned on the turbo on his skateboard and dashed right at the Hammer Bros, yelling, "_Chi-ka!_" His skateboard-riding knocked the Hammer Bros. over.

The Sledge Brother, meanwhile, chased Capt. Crandall, who ran up a tree and jumped off as the Sledge Brother crashed into the tree.

Wendy looked at her downed lackeys and chuckled nervously. "Eh heh heh... I guess this is the part where the Empwess makes her escape!" And she started to run off.

"Get her, Rope Girl!" Captain Crandall commanded.

She did so. As Rope Girl tied up Wendy with the jump rope, the brat princess yelled at them, suddenly speaking normal English. "You little SOBs! When my father gets here, he'll show you what it's like to mess with the Empress of Earth!"

"Y'know, _now_ you're starting to speak like a _real_ sixteen-year-old." Skate Lad pointed out.

"But yuh shoah ain't actin' lahk one!" Rope Girl pointed out the obvious.

It was at this point that Mario finally got the ray to transport the White House to where it belonged. Teamo Supremo saw the building coming down and immediately ran away from its descent path, taking the captured Wendy with them. The Doomship hovered above and Mario and Luigi looked out.

"Hey, what's going on here!" Mario looked around. "Who tied up Kootie Pie?"

"THAT'S WENDY O. KOOPA!" Wendy screamed from her position.

"No need to thank us, Mr. Mario," said Captain Crandall, somehow knowing Mario's name. "Teamo Supremo is happy just doing the right thing."

Mario was a bit weirded out. "Hey Luigi, I thought Peach said _we_ were 'the only ones who can stop the real world from becoming Koopa's world'."

"Well, it looks like you were right and she was wrong!" said Luigi.

"Damn it!" Wendy cursed. "Why must _everyone_ disturb the Almost-Empress of the Entire Real World!"

"It'll be a cold day in Lethal Lava Land before you can fully become that, Kootie Pie!" Mario chuckled. "We just got President Bush out of your hellhole of a homeland!"

"Heh heh, so you're not even boss of America anymore!" Luigi chuckled also. "'Course, you can _always_ be a sub-boss back in the Mushroom World."

"_NO!_ I hate it when people tell me what to do, and I hate it when they call me 'Kootie Pie'! I HATE IT! I HATE IT!" Wendy started pounding her fists on the ground, despite having been tied up. "I'll tell my daddy on ALL of you!"

"See what Ah mean?" Rope Girl said, verifying her earlier point.

"Oh brother." Not standing to hear any more of "Kootie Pie"'s incessant whining, Mario levitated the shrill asshole all the way back to Bowser's Castle. "Well, thanks anyway for helping, Teamo Supremo! You were a good help taking care of Kootie Pie for us."

"Hey, how'd we get onto Earth, anyway?" Luigi asked.

"We just went through that pipe," answered Mario, pointing to the warp pipe, somehow levitating up in the clouds.

"You mean, we could've gone back and forth between Brooklyn _and_ Mushroomland whenever we pleased!" Luigi realized. "Damn that Salvador Drainado! He made it seem like that drainpipe was our only way back home!"

Mario shut up his badmouthing brother, seeing how they were standing in front of a trio of innocent fourth graders with secret identities that their own parents couldn't figure out but their siblings could. "Well Crandall, if you and Brenda and Hector are ever in the Mushroom Kingdom, be sure to drop by. We live in a house with two roofs, one red and one green!"

"Say, how'd you know our secret identities?" Captain Crandall inquired. "My Earth-sister, my Earth-grandfathers, Brenda's baby brother, our teacher, the governor, the chief of police, and our scientists are the only ones who know that."

"My brother's unfriendly rival watches you on ABC Kids every Saturday morning," Mario explained. "He knows everything about you kids."

"How do _you_ know all that?" asked Skate Lad.

"He keeps ranting and raving about 'em during tennis games." Mario started to levitate the Doomship upward. "Well, we'll be going now. Don't forget to check out Super Mario Bros. 3 and every other one of my games that come out in the future!"

Teamo Supremo's three members looked at each other, shrugged, then waved at the departing Mario Bros. "See ya!"

"Oh, and Crandall?" Mario called down just as the Doomship was nearing the warp pipe. "Be a good boyfriend _and_ husband to Brenda."

Capt. Crandall and Rope Girl blushed deeply as Skate Lad grinned at them, knowing what Mario was suggesting.

0-0-0

In the meantime, Mario drove the Doomship back into Darkland and crashed it right into Bowser's castle.

"Hey, nice crash landing, Mario!" Luigi commented, just as they had somehow survived the crash.

"Yeah!" said Mario as they jumped off the ship. "Let's see Bowser try and warp somethin' offa Earth _now!_"

Bowser had been arguing with "Kooky" up until he heard the crashing sound. He dropped the conversation, ran over to the window, and looked at the remains of his once-mighty airship. "Oh no!" he cried. "My beautiful Doomship - ruinated! Now I'll have to use my Clown Car for going to the market _and_ for attacking..."

"Oh, sod the bloody Clown Car! This is all _your_ fault!" Wendy pointed an accusing finger at her dad. "_You_ let let the Mario Bros. capture your pretty little airship! _You_ let Teamo Supremo come and capture me so the Marios could warp me home! _You_ let them _all_ save America!"

"_My_ fault?" Bowser was insulted. "You little female dog! I don't care if you've learned to speak normal English like the rest of us, you can't blame your own dad for your defeats! I don't even know who the hell this 'Teamo Supremo' is! And if you don't stop that whining right now, I'm gonna tell Mr. Miyamoto to leave you out of Mario Kart: Double Dash!"

"But daddykins!" Wendy pleaded.

"Don't you try and butter me up, 'sweetums'!" Bowser stomped his feet. "You whine any more, and I won't bring you to the next Mario Tennis game! Now go clean up your room, and you'd better do it! Stop pinching your little brothers! Don't be a brat! Turn down your stereo! Pick up your socks! Close the door! Get off the telephone! Take out the papers and the trash! Or you don't get no spendin' cash! If you don't scrub that kitchen floor, you ain't gonna rock and roll no more! Just finish cleaning up your room! Let's see that dust fly with that broom! Get all that garbage out of sight, or you don't go out Friday night! You just put on your coat and hat, and walk yourself to the Laundromat! And when you've finished doing that, bring in the dog and put out the cat! Don't you give me no dirty looks! Your father's hip, he know what cooks! Just tell your hoodlum friend outside you ain't got time to take a ride!"

"Yakety-yak!" Wendy mocked him.

"DON'T TALK BACK!" Bowser shouted.

On the outskirts of Darkland, Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Toad listened as Bowser's shouts broke windows and knocked bricks out of the walls.

"Well," Mario commented, "it sounds like Bowser's a-givin' Kootie Pie the birthday present she deserves!"

"DON'T CALL ME "KOOTIE PIE"!" Wendy screamed from inside the castle.

The group thought of closing this episode with a stupid laugh track, but seeing how many times they had done it on the first season, decided not to, even though that was a pretty funny running gag they had considered laughing at.

0-0-0

Outside, on the lawn of the White House, the three handsome boys, whom Mr. Crocker had turned into stone right before ending his cameo, stood in their unfortunate stone positions.

_Man,_ thought the leader of the boys, _I have so got to pee..._

* * *

Well, that's it... for the first episode on the DVD! All six episodes will be covered in separate chapters. So tune in for the next chapter, coming in (hopefully) the near future! And I hope you liked the Teamoshippy bits I included in this particular episode! 


	2. Sneaky Lying Cheating Giant Ninja Koopas

**Author's Note:** In case you're wondering, I'm going by the order the episodes are on the DVD, not in their original airing order as with the SMBSS DVD Outtakes. The episode you're about to read a spoof of was actually the episode that originally aired with the one that was spoofed in the last chapter (and Captain N's season premiere, "Game Boy")! There's some conflict that insists that this episode was shown before or after "Reptiles in the Rose Garden". TV Tome's episode guide insists it aired after the previous chapter's episode, but they incorrectly state that one episode was shown every week, even though it was quite clearly two each week, seeing how each episode is eleven minutes long. Besides, they also claim "7 Continents for 7 Koopas" to be the last aired episode, even though it was actually "Super Koopa". Nevertheless, the first episode (which I also believe is the pilot) is chapter #2, because it's episode #2 on the DVD too. And yes, I know that the title is a spoof of another of my favorite cartoons. That's why the heroes of that cartoon make an unexpected appearance at the end of this chapter. Hey, I already had Mr. Crocker, Kermit the Frog, and Teamo Supremo showing up unexpectedly in the last episode! Besides, unexpected appearances of characters from other media was a whole running gag in the SMBSS Outtakes, so it's _got_ to return for a whole spoof! Also, I don't think Mario really damaged the parrot's cage at the end of the episode; the parrot's just a potty-mouth. Anyway, here's the second episode's spoof!

* * *

**"Sneaky Lying Cheating Giant Ninja Koopas"**

Once again, scary music played from out of nowhere as an unseen camera panned up to the castle of King Bowser Koopa. By the way, it was a dark night as well, just like in the last episode. For some reason, it always seemed to be dark in Bowser's home kingdom. I don't know why, but that's probably why he called it Darkland. And dark it was, 'cause "King Koopa" had another nasty plot up his sleeve! Inside his throne room, the already-existing seven-eighths of his eight kids were causing quite a clash for some unknown reason. Larry "Cheatsy" Koopa was playing horseback on the rear of Ludwig "Kooky" Von Koopa, whose mad scientist-like hair was being pulled at by Wendy O. "Kootie Pie" Koopa, while Morton "Bigmouth" Koopa Jr. avoided spitballs thrown by Roy "Bully" Koopa as Iggy "Hip" & Lemmy "Hop" Koopa bounced around in a chair. Now why Wendy and the twins were involved here would probably never be explained, because they'd soon seemingly disappear from the rest of this story.

Anyway, they were taken in the show when "King Dad" announced, "Listen up, you blood-suckers! This meeting of the Loyal Brotherhood of Tomato Sauce Vampires will come to order!"

The seven Koopalings looked at their dad, confused.

"Oh, sorry. Ahem." Bowser cleared his throat and announced again. "Listen up, you reptiles! This Koopa family meeting will come to order! So far, I've sent you Koopalings to pull sneaky little tricks and medium-sized meanness."

Just then, a voice from the other side of the room interrupted by saying, "Yeah, all of which they _failed_ at!"

"Oh, for the love of Lex Luthor, Bowser Jr.!" Bowser grumbled at his pint-sized clone. "I told you you're not supposed to be on this show! You haven't been thought up yet."

"Do things _have_ to make sense around here when it comes to when what came out?" Bowser Koopa Jr. remakred. "You got smacked in the head by a villain from a show that hadn't yet been made in the last episode!"

"It doesn't matter, son!" Bowser yelled. "You just shut up and stay out of the show!"

"Can I at least comment on things?" asked Bowser Jr.

Bowser rolled his eyes. "Fine, but so long as ya don't cause any freakin' plot holes."

"I can do that." Bowser Jr. winked.

Bowser turned back to his original children. "Anyway, kids, as I was about to say before I was so rudely interrupted by your not-yet-thought-up little brother, you're ready for the biggest badness of all!"

Wendy O. Koopa tapped her foot. "This better be good, daddykins. I was a toe away from popping into the de-scaling tub for a soak!"

"It _is_ good, Kootie Pie."

"Don't call me 'Kootie Pie'!"

"Whatever." Bowser rolled his eyes again and walked over to some curtains that were apparently hiding something on the wall. "Goomba guards, show 'em the guy we're out to get's life size portrait!"

"Man, zat's a pretty hard thing to say," commented Ludwig Von Koopa.

The two "Goomba guards" opened the curtains to reveal a portrait of a ruler-type guy dressed like every other royal man who lived in the Mushroom World. What made this guy different from the other rulers was that he was as tall as the room.

Morton Koopa Jr. lived up to his cartoon name quite well. "That's Prince Hugo the Huge! The new ruler of Giant Land!"

"Huh? Isn't it actually Big Island?" Bowser Jr. pointed out the land's correct name.

"It's supposed to," Larry Koopa explained, "but they call it 'Giant Land' in the states because some pothead gave all of Super Mario 3's worlds less creative names in the later releases of the original version. At least the real names stuck around for Super Mario All-Stars."

"'Big Island', 'Giant Land', same place!" Morton scoffed. "They say this Hugo guy is the biggest, toughest, b-b-bravest prince ever, even for a giant! He's a giant."

"Giant-shmiant, Bigmouth! He ain't dat big a deal." Roy elbowed "Bigmouth", causing him to fall down.

"No no, Bully!" scolded Bowser. "Beat up only your enemies! Don't beat up family members unless you're trying for extra points in an ambush lesson. Besides, your little blabbermouth of a brother is right!"

Roy was pretty much the only Koopaling who didn't object to being called by his "other name", considering that a bully was just what he was. Despite that, he helped Morton up and dusted him off. "Right, King Dad! That's what I was gawna say! Somebody like Bigmouth or Kootie Pie oughta stop him."

"Don't call me 'Kootie Pie'!" Wendy objected.

"Live wit' bein' called dat, Kootie Pie!" taunted Roy. "I'm poifectly adjusted to bein' called 'Bully'!"

Iggy started up a sentence. "That's 'cause it's..."

"...what you are!" said Lemmy, finishing it.

Roy pointed a fist at Iggy and Lemmy. "Shut up, ya siamese geeks!"

Bowser Jr. laughed. "Well, I guess I got the lion's share when it comes to nicknames. Since I wasn't around for Super Mario Bros. 3, I'm not a character on this show, and therefore, I don't have a stupid nickname that the rest of the cast would call me by!"

Roy focuses his attention on Bowser Jr. "How are you even in dis anyway!"

"The writer of this thing's a friend of mine," explained Bowser Jr. "He always casts me alongside Papa in every story he writes. Well, with a few exceptions..."

"How would you like a fat lip, 'Shadow Mario'?" threatened Roy, balling up both of his hands.

"Go ahead, 'Bully'," Bowser Jr. said defiantly. "I ain't afraid--"

"SHUT UP!" Bowser screamed. "Just drop the name game and stick to the script! Now then, Bully, to answer your theory..." As he talked, Bowser walked up to a rack of magic wands that hung on the wall near his throne. Ever since Denzel Crocker had reclaimed the wand he stole from him in the last episode, Bowser had bought some wands of his own, and carefully labeled them so he'd know which sphere worked for which wand. "...somebody _is_ gonna stop him! I'm gonna turn Prince Hugo the Huge into a poodle! Heh heh, a _miniature_ poodle, ha ha ha ha ha!"

"How come you always want to turn kings into fauna, papa?" Bowser Jr. asked.

"Oh, uh... well... everyone needs a hobby, even bad guys. See, my good pal and fellow Tomato Sauce Vampire, King K. Rool, likes to go after the Crystal Coconut. Dr. Ivo Robotnik likes to turn animals into robot slaves while searching for so-called 'Chaos Emeralds'. Dr. Wily is always sending out new Robot Masters and sometimes resurrecting old ones. Evil the Cat keeps trying to destroy the universe even though he never succeeds. So even villains need hobbies, okay? Right!" Bowser pointed at his kids. "So who's gonna bring me Prince Hugo, so I can Koopa him into submission?"

"Hmmm. I thought ze good guys were the only ones allowed to make zose puns..." Ludwig muttered.

"Papa, I vote that you send out one of the big bosses. Like Petey Piranha or Hookbill. Or maybe even..." Bowser Jr. pointed to his seven siblings. "Those guys!"

"Excellent idea, 'Princie'!" Bowser congratulated, calling his clone by a stupid name.

"'Princie'?" Bowser Jr. was appalled. "But I thought..."

"You keep making yourself more and more a part of this show," Bowser explained, "so I guess I'll start calling _you_ by a dumb name!"

"Aw, donkey's ass!" Bowser Jr. cursed.

"Now then..." Bowser turned his attention to four of his kids, during which his crown briefly disappeared. "Bully! Bigmouth! Kooky! Cheatsy! Step forward!"

"Uh, which of us is he calling for?" asked Larry.

"I believe he means Roy, Morton, Ludwig, and you," Wendy answered his query.

"Vhy do you say zat?" wondered Ludwig.

"Because he didn't say 'Kootie Pie', and if he wanted the twins, he would've said two names that had similar letters!" deduced Wendy. "And he didn't call for B.J., 'cause he didn't say 'Princie' there!"

"Well, zat's a logical explanation."

So Roy, Morton, Ludwig, and Larry stepped forward, and Bowser waved the magic wand in his hand. This particular wand, the one which could turn small things into big things and vice-versa, had a green sphere. "Abracadabra!" With a zap from his magic wand, Bowser pulled a Rita Repulsa on those four kids. They instantly grew to the size of giants, and they were all wearing headbands and black belts, like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Let me tell you which Koopaling was which Ninja Turtle. Ludwig, holding a wooden Katana, was obviously Leonardo. Larry, chucking nunchucks, was Michealangelo. Roy, wielding a Bo Staff, was Donatello. And Morton would have to be Raphael, although he didn't have Sais, because DiC stupidly believes kids shouldn't watch cartoons involving turtles if they have possession of things made of "silver pointed sticks". "Congratulations," said Bowser, "you're now Teenage Mut... no no, wait... ahh... uh... Sneaky Lying Cheating Giant Ninja Koopas! And nothing can stop you! Not even a man who wears blades on his armor!"

"Because he'd send out two stupid mutants to attack?" Ludwig said, his German-accented voice not sounding any louder than usual.

"Um, yeah," Bowser verified. "Actually, it's 'cause you're giants. Anyway, bring me Prince Hugo so I can cut him down to size! Ha ha ha!"

And with that, the four Koopalings-turned-Sneaky Lying Cheating Giant Ninja Koopas left the castle. Of course, seeing how the door was too small for them to fit through, they had to make a big hole in the castle wall.

Bowser just stared at the big hole that the Sneaky Giant Ninja Koopas had left in the wall. "Uuuuuuuuuummmmmmm..."

His dumbfounded, ongoing utterance of "um" was interrupted by Wendy screaming at him. "DADDYKINS! Why'd you only make giant Ninja Turtle impersonators out of only _them_! Why didn't you just turn _all_ of us into giant ninjas? I don't see why you only need four Giant Sneaky Cheating Lying Koopa Ninjas when you could've just as easily made a whole army!"

"Well, because there are four Ninja Turtles!" Bowser held up three fingers on one hand and one finger on the other. "And it's_ Sneaky Lying Cheating Giant Ninja Koopas_, not 'Giant Cheating Sneaky Koopa Lying Ninjas' or whatever you said."

"But I could've made a perfect Venus De Milo!" Wendy whined again.

"Don't be ridiculous, Kootie Pie!" Bowser cleared her. "'Next Mutation' sucked. Besides, you're still grounded for fowling up on your America takeover!"

Wendy crossed her arms. "Well, I would've kept that country in my control if it weren't for that meddling Teamo Supremo! And don't call me 'Kootie Pie'!"

"Will you shut up about these Team Supreme guys I don't know anything about!"

"You would've known them if you had seen it..."

"Well, it don't matter! You come with me." Bowser turned to the twins. "And that goes for you too, Hip and Hop."

Iggy said, "Are you referring..."

Lemmy said, "...to us, dad?"

"Yes, my little artichokes," said Bowser. "We're going to the home improvement shop to get that wall replaced."

Iggy said, "Shouldn't you place..."

Lemmy said, "...an order first?"

"Don't be ridiculous!" Bowser declared. "Villains don't pay for things."

Bowser Jr. watched as his father, sister, and brothers headed for the front door.

At the passage to the hall, Bowser turned to his youngest little bastard and said, "You wanna come along?"

"Let me think about it for a min... Okay!" And with his reply, "Princie" Koopa skipped like a little girl (or ran like Scott Evil) over to his parent and siblings. Wendy and the twins couldn't help but laugh. When they had caught their breath, Bowser and the half of his kids whom he hadn't turned into giants left Darkland for the home improvement shop. "So tell me dad, if you wanted to send out giant Koopa ninjas to capture Hugo, why not just gigantify the Koopa Bros.?"

"Because they haven't been thought up yet," Bowser answered as they headed outside.

"But I haven't been thought up yet either, and I'm right here! What's the deal, schlemiel?"

"I don't know. This show's got some strange habit of showing off things that haven't happened in the games yet..."

0-0-0

Meanwhile, at Prince Hugo's castle in "Giant Land", which is really known as Big Island, the Super Mario group was in the atrium with Prince Hugo the Huge and his eagle-sized parrot, Porter. Hugo was originally going to name the parrot Potty for his bad mouth, but decided against it when he found out the name was already taken.

"We came as soon as we got your message, Prince Hugo!" said Princess Peach Toadstool.

"Yeah! Dat was da foist message we ehva got dat was bigger dan da post office!" Toad stretched out his arms in effect.

Luigi Mario turned to the shrimp. "Uh, Toad, I believe Mario and I are the ones who got the letter. We just told you and Peach about it."

"You're right about the size, though!" Mario turned to the shrimp as well. "Parakarry told me he was gonna take the rest of the day off after delivering that letter. I just hope he called a construction crew - his delivery left a big crater in my yard!"

Hugo the Huge spoke in a voice that made him sound like he was voiced by the same guy who did that of Marvin the Martian. "I really need you, my friends! I'm in gigantic trouble."

"Braaaw!" Porter the parrot bellowed. "Gigantic trouble! _Gigantic!_"

"Will you just skip the lousy puns and tell us why you called?" asked Mario.

"Well, my whole army has just been defeated by Giant Ninja Koopas! And now they're marching here to capture me!" Hugo said in fret.

"And where do _we_ feature?" Luigi asked unenthusiastically.

"Just listen to teacher!" Hugo pointed his finger in Luigi's face. "I want you to stop them from capturing me."

"Couldn't you just do it yourself?"

"_No!_" wailed Hugo, dancing his feet.

"But I thought they said you were the biggest, toughest, bravest prince ever!"

"Only when my competitors are smaller than me! When they're as large or larger, I'm a complete coward!" Hugo put his hands on his head and shook with fear.

"Oh brother, and I explored an entire haunted mansion once." Luigi mumbled. "Well, why'd you call on us? There's plenty of other superheroes around. Mario had a whole list of 'em in the last episode!"

Hugo stopped cowering. "I called on you two because you saved the entire Mushroom World in the game."

"Oh! That explains it, then." Luigi looked pleased.

"Not to worry!" Mario bragged. "No job's too big for the Super Mario Bros., Prince! _We'll_ protect you!"

"Braaaw! These shrimpy guys couldn't help the royal flea! I see more help coming from a kooky pair of..." Porter made some freaky poses on the end of his sentence. "..._FAIRY GODPARENTS!_"

"Imbecilic parrot!" yelled Mario. "You dare doubt the Super Mario Bros., longtime saviors of the Mushroom Kingdom and mascots of Nintendo? We saved an entire country last episode! And if we can save a whole country, we can save just a land too! You'd better apologize real soon, or we'll turn you into an ex-parrot! C'mon Luigi, let's go get some Power-Ups and open a can of whoopass on those giant ninjas."

0-0-0

So, using a pipe that just happened to be inside the castle, Mario and Luigi warped to another part of Big Island. They hadn't gotten very far when Luigi asked, "Hey Mario, what if those giant Koopa ninjas attack the castle right now?"

"D'oh!" Mario grunted. "I never thought of that!"

The Angry Sun appeared off cue. "I was not!"

"Hey, what are _you_ doing in Giant Land?" Luigi asked, not seeming to have any harm done to his eyes.

"Yeah, Angry Sun!" Mario didn't seem to feel any negative effects either. "You're supposed to be in Desert Land!"

The Angry Sun got as angry as his name suggested. "Why you little--! How dare you use the incorrect world names! Prepare for a permanent sunburn!"

"Oh... YO MAMA!" Luigi insulted.

"No! Run for it, Luigi!" Mario grabbed Luigi, and they ran like cowards from the Angry Sun, instead of just picking up a Koopa Shell and tossing it so that it would hit him.

Fortunately, Power-Ups were fairly common in "Giant Land", so Mario and Luigi smashed a block containing a Super Leaf, and used it to gain Raccoon Power. Flying into the air, they rang out a battle cry like Teamo Supremo's. "_Super Mario Bros.!_"

"Say, why'd we just say that?" Luigi nitpicked. "We're not Sailor Scouts."

"Hmmm, you're right," considered Mario. "Maybe we shouldn't do that again on the show."

The Angry Sun suddenly approached them. Not only was he an easy-to-avoid enemy, but he was very very dumb too. So of course, he failed to notice that the two raccoons in front of him were his targets. Nor could he figure out how raccoons could possibly fly. "Hey, did you two flying raccoons see where dose pesky plumbers went?"

"Uh, behind that cloud!" Mario pointed westward.

"Thanks!" The Angry Sun flew away and disappeared into the distance. When he was out of sight, the Mario Bros. fell down, rolling in midair, laughing their heads off, snickering like Bugs Bunny and going "What a chump! What a nincompoop!" After a while, they picked themselves and continued their flight.

"Now let's hightail it back to Giant Land." Mario made a bad pun.

"But we're already _in_ Giant Land!" Luigi clarified.

"Um, yeah. I meant the castle," Mario corrected himself. "Anyway, let's get back there and stop those no-good Ninja Koopas!"

"Remember Mario," Luigi directed, "don't let any Koopa touch you, or you'll lose your power!"

"You don't have to tell me that, Luigi! I know how it works."

"I wasn't explaining it to you." Luigi pointed to the viewers. "I was explaining it to _them_."

Mario sighed. "I think the viewers know it, too."

"Well, gosh-darn it, I gotta explain it to _somebody!_" Luigi complained as they flew off back to the castle.

0-0-0

Back at Hugo's castle, the Sneaky Giant Ninja Koopas, whom we should just refer to as the SGNK from now on, had arrived at the front door. "Michaelangelo Cheatsy" pointlessly broke a rock with his nunchucks for good measure as "Leonardo Kooky" and "Raphael Bigmouth" kicked down the door.

Inside, Porter covered his face with his wings. "Oh, this is too scary! I can't watch!"

"What are ya, some kinda wimp?" Toad chastised the bird.

Hugo watched his walls fall apart. "Oh, dear. Now I shall have to create more Martians."

Peach, Toad, and even Porter the Parrot looked at Hugo oddly when he said that.

"Sorry," apologized Hugo, "it's something with my voice actor."

The SGNK came in off cue, but that didn't matter, because now they could capture their target. "Donatello Bully" swiped up Peach and Toad, and "Leonardo Kooky" and "Michaelangelo Cheatsy" grabbed Hugo.

"Leave them alone," Hugo demanded, in spite of his predicament, "or I shall release the hounds!"

"How? We got both your arms; you can't call anybody!" Larry did his Nelson Muntz imitation. "Ha ha!"

The Mario Bros. flew out of a pipe in the sky, although why they didn't come out of the pipe they used to leave the place is beyond me. Also, Peach and Toad somehow wound up in "Raphael Bigmouth"'s hands, even though technically it was "Donatello Bully" who grabbed them.

"_Tra-la-laaaaaa!_" the Mario Bros. declared.

"What the foshizzle?" Roy said in confusion.

"Ugh!" Morton criticized. "I've seen some ugly raccoons in my day, but these are the worst!"

Roy tried to swat them. "Yeah! Dey even look like da Mario Bros.!"

"Dose _ARE_ da Mario Bros.! Ya dumbass!" Toad insulted the giant holding him and the Princess. "Dontcha remember? Dey used Power-Ups like dat when dey were kickin' yer collective asses in the game! And dey're gonna do it again even if you _are_ da size of Scrooge McDuck's cargo plane!"

Although Roy lived up to his cartoon name, he was also a rather polite bully. As Morton handed the small prisoners back to him, Roy showed what I mean by that. "Temper, temper, little mushroom. Such a foul mouth shouldn't be on a little guy such as yourself. I shall have to punish you by contradicting your statement." And he blew a gust of wind at Mario, spinning the raccoon/plumber out of control.

"Ahhhh!" Mario screamed. "Reptile breath tornado! I'm a goner!"

"What! You insinuatin' I have bad breath? I'll show you what happens to people who say bad things about my mouthwash!" And with that, Roy flicked Mario with his thumb and index finger, which knocked him into a wall and also cost him his Raccoon Power. So maybe it was a rather predictable way to knock down the enemy, but at least it made more sense than a Piranha Plant coming out of its pipe, then turning around to bite him, because Piranha Plants can't do that in the game. What was a pipe with a Piranha Plant even doing in Hugo's palace?

Anyway, although he only lost his ability to fly, Mario still cried, "Oh, I'm super no more! Just plain old Mario!"

Luigi flew down beside him. "Don't be so dumb, Mario! This is Super Mario Bros. 3, remember? You haven't shrunk down to small Mario! You just de-powered down to just Super Mario! That line you just said is pretty inaccurate if you ask me." But just as Luigi was correcting Mario's statement about what power state he was in, Morton grabbed him and robbed him of his Raccoon Power too. "Hey, you asshole! Put me down! You took away our Power-Ups, and we're not willing to go back and get 'em again!"

Morton ignored Luigi's yelling. "God, I love being a Turtle!"

Everyone, including Hugo and Porter the Parrot, looked strangely at Morton.

"Sorry... I couldn't resist. Right!" Morton opened Porter's cage and plucked the parrot out. "OK, birdy, it's time for you to fly south for the winter!"

"You can't evict me!" Porter cried. "Braaaw! I'm the royal parrot!

"You're more like a royal pain!" Morton stated the not-so-obvious as he and Roy placed Luigi, Peach, and Toad in the cage. "Besides, we need your cage for our tiny prisoners. Hey Bully! Don't close the door just yet! We gotta put Mario in there too!"

"Uh, first ya gotta catch me!" Mario jumped away.

Morton and Roy ran about trying unsuccessfully to catch Mario, who jumped onto the back of Porter, like jumping onto Yoshi's saddle.

"Quick Potty," Mario commanded, "get us out of here!"

"Get off my freakin' back!" Porter squawked. "And my name's Porter, not Potty! Patchy the Pirate will sue if he hears someone calling me that."

"But Porter, we have to save your master and all my friends!"

"That's _all_ of your friends who just got captured? What about Yoshi, and Princess Daisy, and Mallow, and Goombario, and Kooper, and Bombette, and Parakarry, and Lady Bow, and Watt, and Sushie, and Lakilester, and Professor Elvin Gadd, and Donkey Kong, and Wooster, and--"

"OK, so it's not _all_ of my friends! Just fly us out of here!"

"But I want my cage back!" sobbed Porter. "My whole life's in that cage! My Big Bird poster, my Worms of Outer Space comic book collection, everything!"

"Wait a minute, you have a Big Bird poster? You watch 'Sesame Street'!" Mario was surprised at the mention of having a poster based on a PBS show. "Get out of Giant Land! That's a baby show. And anyway, I didn't see those things actually in your cage."

"Well, you didn't see the _whole_ interior! My cage is much larger on the inside than it is on the outside. Like Snoopy's doghouse!"

"Look bird, when I save your master, I'll get your bloody cage back."

"You will?"

"Yes. NOW JUST GET US OUT OF HERE, YOU EEDIOT!" Mario screamed.

"You don't have to raise your voice; I can hear you perfectly." Porter took off with Mario on his back.

It was taking an awfully long time for Morton and Roy to grab them, because they kept tripping over each other. By the time they finally stopped running into each other, and Ludwig, Larry, and Hugo had thrown away the bags of popcorn they had been eating while watching the two klutzes, Porter had already managed to fly Mario out of the strangely roofless castle. I wonder how Hugo and Porter are protected when it rains. Does it even rain on Big Island?

"Aw crap," cursed Roy, "he got away!"

Morton rolled his eyes. "Big deal! At least we managed to get Prince Hugo. _And_ we got three more prisoners than King Dad bargained for."

"Yeah!" Ludwig said in agreement. "Let's get back to the castle so Dad can tell us how smart ve are!"

Ludwig and Larry took Hugo by the arms, and Roy walked with the prisoner-containing cage in one hand. They raised quite a conversation as they walked back to Darkland. "But Kooky," Roy asked his German-speaking brother, "isn't he gonna want Mario even more than these other saps?"

"Don't vorry about it, Bully, and don't call me 'Kooky'!" Ludwig replied. "Ve'll just tell Dad that ve killed him."

"Are you sure he's gonna allow dat? This is a children's show, and 'dead' is one word that ain't allowed on children's television."

"Vell, ve'll vork some vay to say it!"

0-0-0

Back at Bowser's castle, Bowser and the remaining half of his kids had just finished putting the finishing touches on the new wall to replace the one the now-giant half had destroyed on their way out.

"There. That's a pretty perfect job if I do say so myself," said Bowser as they got the wall leveled. "You see what you can accomplish when you're grounded from your favorite privileges, Kootie Pie?"

"Don't call me 'Kootie Pie'!" Wendy said again. "And I never would've been punished if you hadn't let Teamo Supremo come and defeat me!"

"Why do you keep mentioning this Seamo Tupremo that I've never met?" Bowser mumbled, walking back to his throne.

"Hey Papa, did it occur to you what might happen if the Giant Ninja Koopas came back after you finished putting up that new wall?" Bowser Jr. pointed out.

"I never thought of that..." Bowser realized.

Just then, the SGNK came back in, this time causing more damage than just wrecking the wall. "Hey! King Dad!" Larry announced. "We got Hugo, just as you asked!"

"Yeah!" boomed Roy. "And even better, we got some more prisoners as well!"

"Uuuuuuuuuummmmmmm..." Bowser uttered again.

"Hey Dad, what's da matter wit' you?"

"Uuuuuuuuuummmmmmm..."

"Vill you snap out of zat and tell us what's wrong?" Ludwig snapped his fingers impatiently.

"Um..." Bowser snapped out of his utterance. "YOU LITTLE RASCALS! You not only wrecked my expensive castle walls and cost me over two hundred Koopabits getting it replaced, but YOU ALSO JUST STEPPED ON YOUR OWN SIBLINGS!"

Bowser was right. The four SGNK looked at the soles of their feet and saw that each one of them had stepped on their normal-sized siblings. Ludwig had wedged Wendy; Larry had mashed Lemmy; Morton had crushed Iggy; and Roy had squished Bowser Jr.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry!" Roy apologized to his youngest sibling. "I didn't know they were there."

"Hhhhhhhhh," Bowser sighed, "now I'm gonna need to call the Mushroom Kingdom Hospital if Kootie Pie and the twins hope to be around for next week's show. Geez, it's so embarrassing to call for help to the land where your enemies live..."

"Don't... call... me... 'Kootie Pie'!" Wendy spoke, flattened.

In the time it took it took for an ambulance to arrive at the castle, Mario and Porter came around, hiding behind the curtain. Bowser was far too stressed with the near-loss of half of his kids to notice. He sighed as the ambulance drove Wendy, Iggy, Lemmy, and Bowser Jr. away. "Well, at least for the rest of this episode I won't have to hear about that Teabo Suprebo that Kootie Pie keeps complaining about. Now what was it you were trying to tell me, ninja boys?"

"Ve got you Prince Hugo and three other prisoners as well!" Ludwig placed the cage right by Bowser's throne.

Bowser looked at the prisoners. "Hmmmmm, you got Princess Peach. That's good. You got Toad, hmm yes. You got Luigi, that's a little good... Wait a minute! Where's that plumb bum Mario?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhh... he's pushing up daisies, Pop," lied Ludwig.

Bowser looked shocked. "He's pushing up Daisy! But, but... after all the times he keeps saving Peach from me, I thought he liked _her!_"

"NO! We mean that he's dead!" Ludwig corrected his pop.

"Really?" Bowser didn't look convinced. "So how come you didn't bring me his dead body?"

"Uh, ve didn't vant his bloody corpse dirtying your clean floors." Ludwig continued his lie.

"Hmm, you have a point there..." Bowser laughed manically. "Yes, yes! Today will be a day that will go down in Koopa history! Not only do I get the pleasure of turning Big Island's new ruler into a pooch, but my longtime nemesis is deceased, too! At last, after getting your collective butts kicked in three different games, you Koopalings finally did some rotteness worthy of Koopadom! I'm so proud of you! I should break out the party supplies right now! But I'd better do the dirty deed first." He turned to Peach, Luigi, and Toad. "Now you'll see why I modestly, heh heh heh, call myself a genius! Ba ha ha ha ha ha!"

"Uh, can we say something now?" Luigi asked, having been silent for so long.

"NO!" Bowser walked over to his rack of wands and picked the one with the purple sphere. "Now sit back while I make the long-awaited use of my Poodle Wand! I've always wanted to try it out."

"A 'Poodle Wand'!" Luigi found the name odd.

Peach also found it odd for wands to be specifically named. "You have different wands for _all_ of your animal transformations!"

"But I only see four wands there!" Toad stated the obvious.

"What, you think these wands are the only ones I have?" Bowser raspberried. "Pfft! In your dreams! After that wacky guy with the fairy-finding obsession stole back the wand I stole from him, I've gotten all kinds of new wands! I got lots more of these in my bedroom closet. For example, I have a Negative-Personality Wand that changes a person's personality to its exact opposite, and I even have a Death Wand that I got at the Villain's Mart for $49.95, although my fellow Tomato Sauce Vampire, Count Ganondorfula, tells me it doesn't work the way he expected, so I'm holding off on usin' it. I've also got a Basset Hound Wand, a Weiner Dog Wand, a Pussycat Wand, a Bobcat Wand, a Lion Wand, a Tiger Wand, a Grizzly Bear Wand, a Polar Bear Wand, a Cheetah Wand, a Wolf Wand, a Meerkat Wand, a Warthog Wand, a Bull Wand, an Elephant Wand, a Rhinoceros Wand, an Ostrich Wand, a Chipmunk Wand, a Mouse Wand, a Hyena Wand, a Blue-footed Drake Wand, a Kangaroo Wand, a Hedgehog Wand, an Ocean Sponge Wand, a Starfish Wand, an Octopus Wand, a Land Squirrel Wand, a Crab Wand, a Plankton Wand, a Lobster Wand, a Merman Wand, a Hornbill Wand, a Cardinal Wand, a Bluejay Wand..." Peach, Toad, and the SGNK began falling asleep at this point in Bowser's list. "...a Gorilla Wand, an Orangutan Wand, a Baboon Wand, a Chimp Wand, a Deer Wand, a Gopher Wand, a Zebra Wand, a Hippopotamus Wand, a Gazelle Wand, a Llama Wand, a Boar Wand, a Snake Wand, a Penguin Wand, a Giraffe Wand, a Water Buffalo Wand, a Chameleon Wand, a Bunny Wand, a Panda Wand, a Skunk Wand, a Flamingo Wand, a Leopard Wand, an Alligator Wand, a Beaver Wand, a Mole Wand, a Rat Wand, a Tortoise Wand, a Hare Wand, a Drunk Stork Wand, a Crocodile Hunter Wand, an African Killer Bee Wand, a Scorpion Wand, a Crawling Ant to the Leaping Antelope Wand, a..."

"Oh, will you just shut up and turn Hugo into whatever it is you want to turn him into!" Luigi interrupted, not wanting to hear any more of that list.

"Oh, fine. Spoil my big list of wands. Poodle Wand, do your stuff!" And with that, Bowser changed Hugo into a regular-sized poodle. That, of course, contradicted his earlier stated plan to turn Hugo into a _miniature_ poodle. But hey, at least Bowser was pleased with the effects. "Well, whaddaya know? I _have_ improved my transformations!"

Luigi nudged Peach and Toad. "Uh, you can wake up now. He's transformed Hugo."

Peach snorted, woke up, and tried to get her performance right. "Umm, oh no! Poor Prince Hugo!"

"Well, like I always say, my dear," taunted Bowser, "it's the _small_ things in life that make a Koopa happy!"

Mario had also fallen asleep during Bowser's monologue, so Porter had to wake him up. "Wake up, stupid!"

"Oh, sorry," said Mario as he awakened, "did I miss anything?"

"Well," Porter briefed, "that big guy there just turned my master into a poodle with that purple wand there. And he recited a really long list of the wands he's got."

"What's the color got to do with it?" Mario wondered.

"Shh!" shushed Porter. "I think he's about to make a change of wands.

After waking up his sleepy giant ninja offspring, Bowser walked back up to his rack of wand and put the wand with the purple sphere back, taking out the green wand he had used earlier. "Well kids, now that my brilliant little amusement for the day is done, it's time for you to return to your normal sizes!" Then he said to himself, "And for me to return to not being worried about my walls being destroyed."

"But Pop!" Roy twirled his Bo Staff over his head. "Bein' a Sneaky Lyin' Cheatin' Giant Ninja Koopa kicks ass!"

"Yeah!" Morton agreed. "Can't we stay like this and go capture some more kings?"

"Oh, for Mr. Yamauchi's sake, that's a cruel, rotten, and disgusting idea. But then again, bein' an archvillain, I love it! Good idea, kids!" Bowser put the green wand back on the rack. "I'll use the Ninja Wand later.

And so the SGNK celebrated by singing and dancing to their own version of "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow", parading around the continually barking Hugo, during which Bowser rode around on Morton's shoulder. From behind the curtains, Mario got an idea. "Ninja wand, eh? Porter, I've got an idea..." And he walked over to the cage.

Peach was over-delighted to see... "Mario! After hearing what Kooky said, I thought I'd never see you again!"

"Did I miss somethin' last season?" Toad asked.

"Could you save the sentiment for next week's show, Princess?" Mario asked. "I've got a way to trick ol' Koopa, and we'll have to work together."

"But we're already on the same side," Luigi pointed out.

"Well, like I said, we'll need to trick him. Now listen close..." After some "here's-the-plan" whispering, Mario walked over to the rack of wands and switched the spheres of the Poodle Wand and Giant Ninja Wand around, and then hid behind the throne. It was only when Mario went back into hiding that the SGNK stopped their song and dance and placed Bowser back on his seat.

"So, which kingdom should we kidnap the ruler of and turn into an animal next?" Morton asked, during which his hand was colored wrong.

"Water Land!" suggested Ludwig, talking with Roy's voice.

Roy clobbered Ludwig on the head with his Bo Staff. "Don't steal my voice!"

"Desert Land!" Laryr suggested, ignoring Roy.

"Quiet, Koopalings!" Bowser halted. "You may be bigger than me right now, but _ I'm_ still the king around here, and _I'll_ decide what land we're gonna take over! And please, use the correct names for the worlds!"

"Uh, how are you going to choose?" Ludwig asked, now back in his regular voice.

"The scientific way. Gumshoes, let's go to the map!" At Bowser's command, three Lakitus floated their clouds into the room, bringing in maps of Grassland, the Desert Hill, Ocean Side, the Sky Land, Iced Land, and the Pipe Maze. "Now then..." Bowser pointed his finger at each map, going to a different one in time to each word. "Dip dip dip, my little ship, sails on the ocean, you are it." His finger ended up pointing to the map of Grassland. "No no no no no, we shouldn't try Grassland, it ain't much of a challenge. I must've skipped a dip." He started again. "Dip dip dip dip, my little ship, sails..."

Mario came in off cue, but that didn't matter either. "Not so fast, Bowser Koopa!"

"What the funky monkey ass?" Bowser was so shocked by this that his crown jumped off his head.

The SGNK gasped. "Where'd he come from!"

"You ain't taking over any lands, Bowser!" Mario blurted. "I'm here to spoil any plans of yours."

"Sneaky Giant Ninja Koopas!" Bowser yelled at his kids. "You told me he was dead!"

"Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm... it's a ghost?" Ludwig was desperate for excuses.

"You'd better set my friends free and turn Prince Hugo the Poodle back into Prince Hugo the Huge, or else!" Mario continued.

"Or else what, plumber boy?" Bowser wanted to know.

"Or else I'll give the mother of all hieny spankings!" Mario pointed his finger in Bowser's snout.

The Koopa King rolled his eyes. "Tsk tsk tsk tsk. I'd hate for this to all end in violence."

"LET'S KILL 'IM NOW!" Ludwig cried to his brothers.

"No no, Koopalings!" Bowser cleared them up. "Just grab him. I want to do away with him myself."

So instead of killing their enemy right on the spot, Morton just picked up Mario. Man, he does a lot of the grabbing in this episode, doesn't he? Peach then began to put her part of the plan into action, during which Luigi's clothes somehow briefly changed to that of his brother's. "Oh, this is horrible. Koopa's SO mean, I'll bet he's gonna turn Mario into a poodle too!"

"Hmmm, that's a great idea, Princess!" said Bowser, not noticing that Peach sounded like she had been reading a cue card. "You, my dear, have just given me a million dollar idea! I always wanted twin poodles! It's too bad I gotta kill the second one! Oh well. I'll just turn the next ruler I capture into a poodle too!"

"Hey, less talky, more changy," said Peach, sounding more normal this time.

"Hhhhh, fine. Spoil my moment." Bowser grabbed the wand with the purple sphere on it and walked over to his arch-foe as Luigi grinned to his two confidants.

"It worked, Princess!" Luigi mouthed between his grin. "Koopa don't realize he's been tricked!"

"Be quiet, Luigi!" Peach slapped Luigi's mouth shut. "He might hear you saying that!"

Bowser shot a blast from the "Poodle Wand" at Mario. It hurt Morton, who did what's known as a "little girl scream" and dropped Mario. When Mario hit the floor, he suddenly, and unexpectedly grew into a giant wearing a karate outfit.

"What the--!" Bowser looked at his wand, confused. "Who the hell's been foolin' with my Poodle Wand?"

"Good Truthful Honest Giant Ninja Mario! That's who!" Mario opened the cage and let his friends out.

"Oh great," Bowser mumbled, "just 'cause I give my kids Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle-like names, he has to do it too. Sneaky Giant Ninja Koopas, attack!"

Suddenly, as some unidentifiable voice started singing about ninjas, Bowser was attacked by Luigi, Peach, and Toad, causing him to drop the Giant Ninja Wand. As Mario prepared to fight off the SGNK, Peach grabbed the wand and used it to return the SGNK to their normal size. Unfortunately, the beam also hit Mario, shrinking him back to his normal size as well.

"Hey," objected Mario, "that wasn't part of the plan!"

The King of the Koopas dropped a bead of sweat. "Well, I guess we've had our bit of fun for the day. All right, Mario, you may have shrunk my kids back to normal size, but you've been shrunk back too! And besides, my kids are still Sneaky Lying Cheating Ninja Koopas! So you've only postponed us from delivering your fate! Koopa Pack, attack!"

"I wouldn't say that if I were you, you walking suitcase!" an offscreen voice declared, with an appropriate fanfare.

The camera panned over to reveal, standing in the remains of the wall the SGNK had destroyed, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, with their weapons drawn.

"You may be a reptile like us, but you're not a good reptile!" said Leonardo.

"Yeah, dude!" Michaelangelo added. "We turtles fight for truth, justice, and a bigger slice of pizza pie!"

"You're not very intelligent to be an evil reptile!" Donatello declared.

"Does the phrase 'Eat our shells' hold any meaning for ya?" Raphael joked.

"What are _you_ doing here!" Bowser demanded.

"We heard that you were ripping us off for the transformation you granted four of your kids!" explained Leonardo. "That's copyright infringement, and we won't stand for it."

"Yeah!" said Michaelangelo. "It's a mondo disgrace to our good name!"

"We're here to make you sorry you even thought of it!" Donatello swung his Bo Staff over his head.

"Let the butt-kicking begin!" declared Raphael.

"GET 'EM, KOOPALINGS!" Bowser commanded to his kids.

"TURTLE POWER!" the Ninja Turtles yelled out, in unison.

The unidentifiable voice who was singing about ninjas got sacked, and the Ninja Turtles battle music began playing as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the Sneaky Lying Cheating Normal-Sized Ninja Koopas began their battle. Raphael immediately had Morton down, because Morton didn't have a weapon. Donatello shoved his Bo Staff in Roy's belly, causing him to lose his own Bo. Michealangelo put the hurt on Larry from behind, which proved why he was forced to start using a grappling hook in later seasons. Leonardo sliced Ludwig's own Katana in half, since it was made of wood. As the Ninja Turtles began jump-kicking their Koopa counterparts, Luigi got ahold of the Poodle Wand and transformed Hugo back to his normal self. When the weakened Ninja Koopas realized they were in even more trouble now, they _all_ did "little girl screams" and cowered behind "King Dad".

"Well Bowser," Mario bit, "I'd say you've lost again!"

"Maybe, but as the old saying goes..." Bowser fidgeted about himself, trying to find a Sub-Space potion. "...he who Koops... and runs away... lives to Koop..." He realized he had none. "...another day?"

"Oh brother," Mario rolled his eyes. "Let me guess, you're now gonna pull a Sub-Space potion out of nowhere and then just expect us to stand around like idiots while we just let you escape? Well, it's a whole new season, Koopa, and we ain't gonna fall for that!"

"OK, maybe I'll try something different..." Bowser leaped into the air like Michael Jordan and hit a block that just happened to be there, somehow opening a warp zone. "Come on, kids! It's time to Koop out of here! And get that wall re-replaced. Home improvement shop, here I come... again!"

And they jumped down the pipe, with Mario's group just standing there like idiots as it closed. I guess some things never change.

"Pussy pizza," cursed Luigi, "the Koopas got away again!"

Mario took off his ninja getup. "Oh no ya don't, Luigi! We're not gonna bring back any of those stupid clichés from the first season!"

"Good idea, Mario," said Leonardo. "Of course, my brothers and I are used to this thing."

"Well," said the restored Hugo. "I guess I should say that you've all been a BIG help in saving Giant Land."

"Hey, that's not a very good joke, there!" Raphael commented.

"Um, isn't it actually Big Island?" Donatello nitpicked.

Hugo rolled his eyes. "Oh, whatever."

At that point, Porter the Parrot returned to the story, after having had a chat with a Pidgeot. He ran upon the cage and got upset, even though there was just a little dent on the door. "My cage! Mario RUINED my cage! You little asshole! You promised me you'd get me back my cage!"

"We DID!" Mario yelled angrilly. "Geez, you're so ungrateful, Porter! Your flippin' cage is perfectly fine! You just want to make some stupid excuse to make everybody else laugh even though what they're laughing at isn't really funny! Just like in our last season! Besides, I believe you owe Luigi and me an apology for saying that a nutty pair of... _FAIRY GODPARENTS!_ would be more help than us."

Porter grabbed the Ninja Wand from Peach and pulled a Rita Repulsa on himself. He became slightly bigger and was now also wearing a headband. "You'd better fix it, Mario, or you're gonna be an ex-plumber! Braaaw, braaw, braaw!"

"Uh, guys?" Mario addressed the Ninja Turtles. "Show this Miserable Squawking Angry Giant Ninja Parrot what I meant when I said I'd turn him into an ex-parrot!"

"We're on it, Mario! _Cowabuuuuunnnga!_" As Michaelangelo shouted, he and his three brothers began attacking Porter, saving Mario from having to have something stupid happening to him that everyone else would just laugh at.

Luigi, Peach, and Toad almost _did_ start to laugh, but Mario silenced them. "No way, guys. We're on a roll here."

* * *

I suppose you're wondering who will be appearing unexpectedly in the next episode. Well, here's two hints: it's another cartoon show's main trio, two-thirds of whom are on the "Couples I Support" list in my profile. The other hint is that it _isn't_ Teamo Supremo. (But yes, Bowser getting their name wrong _will_ be a running gag.) Until I get "The Beauty of Kootie"'s spoof up, you'll just have to figure it out yourself. 


	3. The Beauty of Kootie

**Author's Note:** Surprise! I decided to post this chapter on the same day that I'd publish _Super Bowser_. Now last chapter, I left you guys with a little cliffhanger. That cliffhanger was that a trio of special guests, two-thirds of which I support as a couple, would be making an unexpected appearance in this episode. Now in this episode, there's yet another Monty Python reference which involves a whole montage of unconnected people saying the same thing. But the REAL guest stars will appear _after_ the montage. So, that said, get reading! And don't forget to pile on your camera! I mean, submit reviews.

* * *

**"The Beauty of Kootie"**

One day, apparently after the episode covered in the last chapter but not before the episode that aired along with this one, the Sultan of the Desert Hill was in his palace, relaxing in his Jacuzzi, which had faucets shaped like camel heads. Now like most characters introduced in a specific episode of a Nintendo cartoon, the Sultan was the kind of person who'd make an appearance in that one episode and then just as quickly would never be seen again. Other guest stars who fell victim to this syndrome included King Windbag of Iced Land, Crimewave Clyde, Holly Mackerel, Mark Twang and the Mouth of the River, Queen Rotunda, Captain Clump, Brutius Maximus Grouchimus, Mervin the Magician, Waldo the Wizard, James Blond, Herlock Somes, Mugga, Murphy the Leprechaun, Wizardheimer the Magikoopa, the embarrassingly unattractive Dealin' Delbert, Dr. T. Garden, Indiana Joe, Zero the legendary Zorro impersonator, Prince Facade, Toad's grandfather, Sing, Kong Fu, Samurai, Seymour the Scientist, Gizelle, Melvin the Magician, Professor Westwood, Florinda, a tanned Nurse Joy, Tony & Maria, Temacu, a sheep who acted like a wolf and sounded like Giovanni, an obvious caricature of J. K. Rowling, and Biospark. Hell, even Hugo the Huge and his parrot from the last episode were just one-shots! The story writers ought to think more about what they should do with these characters if you ask me. But no matter if this guy cared whether or not he was going to join Biospark, Kong Fu, and the others in Nintendo cartoon limbo, oil suddenly started flowing out of his faucets. Or spitting out, depending on how you look at it.

"Help!" the Sultan called. "Get in here, you morons! I've struck oil!"

Into the sauna rushed Extra Servant #5. "What's so bad about strikin' oil? It'll make ya rich."

"Why would I want my bath water turning glue?" nitpicked the Sultan.

Extra Servant #5 looked confused. "What the hell! That last line didn't make any sense!"

The Sultan climbed out of the Jacuzzi and put on a towel. "I need help! Either there's trouble afoot, or I'm being cursed by tiny invisible ghost monkeys, or troublemaking counterparts of... _FAIRY GODPARENTS!_" He nearly fell back into the tub on that exclamation. "Get me Ash Ketchum and his friends."

"They're unavailable, sir," Extra Servant #5 reminded his boss. "How do you expect them to be available if they spend every freakin' day of their bloody lives fighting the same Team Rocket members over and over and never anyone else?"

"Damn. Then get me their non-union Mexican equivalents," ordered the Sultan.

"They're not available, either," said Extra Servant #5, shaking his head. "They're most likely fighting the non-union Mexican 'Team Rocket Super Squad' too."

"Oh, bloody hell!" muttered the Sultan. "Well then, is there anyone else who can solve this problem?"

"What about the Mario Bros.? They saved you from being a Hoopster all your life in the game," Extra Servant #5 reminded his boss, "and besides, this is their show."

"Good. Get me them."

0-0-0

One scene-switch later, the Mario Bros. and two of their many friends arrived on the scene.

"This better be important, Sultan," Mario said impatiently. "I just got over being mistaken for Queen Mushroomkhamen's mummified son."

"My Jacuzzi's faucets are squirting oil into the tub," the Sultan explained what I already made obvious, "so I called on you to fix it."

"Oh shit, not another plumbing problem!" Mario cussed. "Let me guess, you're gonna offer a hell of a great spaghetti dinner to get us working, just because everybody on this show thinks I'm some kinda pasta pig! Well, if you expect Luigi and me to work for that... you got yourself a deal!"

"I have a feeling there's going to be some big work in the editing department today," Luigi said, to no one in particular.

0-0-0

Another scene-switch later, Mario and Luigi had placed giant-sized Flintstones Band-Aids on the mouths of the faucets, although that seemed rather illogical.

"Well," Mario said as he wiped his brow, "we should be a-okay as long as..."

"Ooh, ooh! As long as these camels keep their big mouths shut!" Luigi executed a drum roll.

"Very good, Luigi!" Mario congratulated his brother for figuring out the punchline.

_Damn, I thought we were only gonna use puns like dat to make fun o' Morton Koopa Jr,_ thought Toad. He turned to the Sultan and asked, "Say, where da hell did da oil come from anyway?"

"Hey, you little fungus! Stop saying such foul words," reprimanded the Sultan, apparently not having noticed Mario's earlier cursing.

"But you said some yerself!" Toad pointed out even more of the Sultan's forgetfulness.

"Yes, but not as much as you. You should probably go apply for a job working for someone whose name is pronounced Mr. Doomaus but is spelled Mr. Dumbass. Ahem." The Sultan began his explanatory answer to Toad's question. "My palace is built over an oil well. And somehow, the oil pipes leading up from my well, must have gotten crossed with the water pipes from the oasis!"

"What'd he say?" Princess Peach had not been listening to the Sultan's answer.

Toad put up his arms. "I dunno; somethin' about Orson Welles, I guess."

"Actually," Luigi clarified, "he's telling us that his oil well's pipes have somehow been crossed with those of the III-shaped oasis not too far away from this castle. If the oil pressure is to build up too much, it could blow this whole place all the way to the world that this cartoon incorrectly refers to as 'Sky Land'. Needless to say, he's just giving us the motivation for us to do our daily routine, which, given that we're now on a Saturday morning show rather than a weekday afternoon show, is now nothing more than a weekly routine."

Mario, Peach, Toad, the Sultan, and even Extra Servant #5 stared strangely at Luigi.

Luigi sighed in defeat. "Ah, Shyguy dung." And he giggled and slobbered stupidly.

"Actually, Sultan, I think Luigi's got a point! Say no more; we'll get to the bottom of this leak or we're not..." Mario struck a dramatic pose. "...the Star Warriors!"

Luigi sighed again. "Wrong Nintendo cartoon, bro."

"Um..." Mario posed again, not so dramatically this time. "We'll crack this leak or we're not the Banana Slammers?"

"Wrong again."

"The N-Team?"

"WE'RE THE SUPER MARIO BROS., DANG IT!" Luigi screamed. "OUR COMPANY'S MONEY-MAKING MASCOTS! Didn't you pay attention to the opening sequence and the title cards!"

"Not really, but I think maybe the writers of these shows need to be more creative when it comes to plots," said Mario, changing the subject.

None of them noticed that at that moment, they were being watched. And those watching eyes seemed to be coming from one of the camel-shaped faucets.

0-0-0

On the other side of the periscope, Larry Koopa scowled in fury at what he was seeing. "Aw, shit! The Marios _are_ here! I guess I should've listened to Hip and Hop when they were telling me about their little non-adventure."

"CHEATSY!" Wendy O. Koopa screamed from offscreen. "Gimmie a hand, dumbass!"

"Cheatsy" walked over to where he heard his sister's calling. Wendy was struggling to fasten an oil pipe with a monkey wrench.

"These goddamn dirty sons of bitches pipes won't stay switched!" Wendy bitched as her scales somehow flashed between orange and light tan. "I told you this was no job for a beauty queen!"

"_You,_ a beauty queen? You're not even really 16 years old, so you've never even been to a school dance!" Larry broke the news as his head briefly changed purple. "Besides, try telling that to the Mario Bros. They just arrived!"

"Oh, not again." Wendy pulled her wand literally out of her shell. "I just hope they haven't brought that do-goodie Teamo Supremo with them."

"Wait, who is this 'Theamo Songremo'?" Larry asked.

Wendy paid no heed to her brother's query, because she was talking on the "phone" with "Daddy" at the moment. King Bowser Koopa was onboard the Doomship was several of his troops. "Hhhhhhh, what is it now, Kootie Pie, my darling detestable daughter?" Bowser asked. "And boy, do I mean detestable..."

"Don't call me Kootie Pie!" Wendy said over the wand. "Those pesky plumbers are about to infest this drippy place!"

"Aw, not again! The Doomship's fuel tanks are nearly full, and they just _have_ to ruin the whole thing! I can't trust you with this assignment, but I order you to stop the Mario Bros.!"

"How come you don't trust me on this? I'm lucky to be _given_ an assignment, considering how Nintendo's replacing me and my brothers with those clones of Princie."

"Shut up, you little delinquent! You're lucky to even _be_ participating in this scheme! You should still be punished for blaming me for your loss on the America takeover."

"Well, I still say it's _your_ fault Teamo Supremo captured me!"

"Just shut the hell up about Reamo Dupremo and do as I say!" Bowser said.

"Ooh, sometimes he makes me so mad I could take a shit in his bathtub! He doesn't trust me on stopping the Mario Bros., and he won't believe me about Teamo Supremo!" Wendy cursed as she turned off the "phone", mumbling and grumbling about how she hated the fact that Bowser wouldn't give any heed to her experience with Teamo Supremo back in the first chapter. As she complained, her wand somehow enlarged in size, and then shrunk back.

"Who _is_ this Monty Pythreano?" Larry really wanted to know. "Tell your little brother Cheatsy about it, Kootie Pie."

"Don't call me Kootie Pie!" Wendy explained. "But _do_ believe me when I describe Teamo Supremo. It's made up of a orange-haired four-eyes who sounds like he came from a Charlie Brown special, a cowgirl with a rope and a matching accent, and an obvious Mexican stereotype on a skateboard!"

"_That's_ who you've been complaining about! A trio of ten-year-olds?" Larry was shocked and appalled. "Geez, no wonder King Dad isn't trusting you on this." That's when he heard the voices of Mario and Luigi upstairs. "Wait a tic, sis! I got a scheme so sneaky Dad'll wish _he_ thought of it! Stand still and smile for the birdy!"

And with a zap of his own wand, Larry pulled an Ursula the Sea-Witch on his sister. Wendy was transformed into a human bombshell with blonde hair similar to the kind adorned by most cartoon hotties.

Wendy looked in a mirror. "Ahhh! Cheatsy! What the hell did you do to my usual beautiful self?"

"_What_ beautiful self?" Larry joked. "I turned you into Mario's dream girl!"

"What do _you_ know about his dreams, Cheatsy?" Wendy was curious.

"Uh... well, I know that he often sleepwalks thinking he's Dirk Drain-Head. But it doesn't matter anyway! This is the perfect way to stall him! I'll smell you later!" With that, Larry zipped off.

"Hey, get back here! You forgot to change my tail!" Wendy yelled. "Besides, you took my wallet and my cocoa butter."

The moment Larry had left the room, Mario and Luigi came in. Mario took one look at the miniature Hello Nurse and went nuts like as if he were the wolf from Tex Avery cartoons.

"Ah..." Wendy spoke in a human-like voice. "Well, hello, handsome! Aren't you the famous Super Mario, savior of this world and mascot of Nintendo?"

Mario bowed in her presence. "Heh heh heh heh heh, a super guess, my super beautiful lady!"

"Pleased to meet you," said Wendy, her tail wiggling. "I am... uh... Lady Fettuccini Alfredo! A little bit saucy, but very, very nice."

"Heeeey... isn't that a tail back there?" Luigi noticed the oversight.

"What? Why you little--!" And with that, "Lady Fettuccini" slapped Luigi all the way to the other side of the room. During this, Mario somehow managed to set up a dinner table with two bowls of pasta and a candelabra. Where'd all _that_ come from?

"Heh heh. Please forgive my little brother for being so rude!" Mario invited "Lady Fettuccini" to take a seat. "Perhaps you'd like a gourmet snack?"

"You know, hot stuff, I'm an amateur plumber myself." "Lady Fettuccini" tried to force some spaghetti down her throat.

"Her, a plumber?" Luigi didn't believe that a woman as scantily dressed as "Lady Fettuccini" could possibly be more than a housewife or a nightclub singer. "Speakin' of which, hey Mario! Less eaty, more fixy!"

Just then, Peach and Toad unexpectedly came into the room.

"Hey, what's going on down he--" Peach suddenly gasped at the sight of Mario having dinner with another woman.

As if on cue, Mario gasped. Toad gasped. Luigi gasped. The face on a quarter that happened to roll into the room gasped. "Lady Fettuccini" gasped.

"How could you do this to me, Mario! Have a romantic dinner with this... asshole of a bitch! And after all the times I kissed your nose for rescuing me! AAAAHHH!" Peach addressed "Lady Fettuccini". "_YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!_"

And with that, Peach began to brutally attack "Lady Fettuccini" in front of everyone. She was doing a pretty good job by the time the Sultan and Extra Servant #5 rushed in and tied her up in a chain.

"Lady Fettuccini" dusted herself off. "Um... well! I guess, after that rather violent outburst, I suggest that you, ah... keep the sultan and all his guests safe, you know, just in case the castle, um, explodes."

"Duhhhh... where should we put 'em?" an awestruck Mario asked.

"Right here!" "Lady Fettuccini" was indicating a dungeon cell that wasn't there before. This must've been some kind of magic basement if things like dinner tables and dungeon cells were appearing out of nowhere right in this very place. That, or two other things. Those things were placed in by tiny invisible ghost monkeys, or produced magically by... _FAIRY GODPARENTS!_ Ahem.

Mario looked at the cell questionably. "In there? But that looks more like some kind of place to imprison people, and Peach and Toad are our friends."

"So you won't do it, not even for...?" "Lady Fettuccini" teased him by jiggling her breasts.

"Aw, okay." Mario agreed.

So "Lady Fettuccini" opened the cell door, and Toad and the Sultan walked in. Extra Servant #5 had to drag in the chain-tied Peach, who was hissing, snarling, and biting ferociously at her competition.

"Isn't it wonderful, Luigi, how she's always looking out for other people?" Mario said, not seeming to notice how violent Peach was acting.

"Yeah, yeah..." mumbled Luigi.

"Uh, remind me why we're walkin' into dis dungeon cell?" Toad inquired.

"Well, Lady Fettuccini says this is the safest place to be!" answered Mario.

"Why are you takin' the advice of an _amateur_ plumber?" Toad wanted to know.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrr... who's stealing you from me by wearing a dress that..." Peach growled. "...that... DOESN'T EVEN MATCH HER FREAKIN' TAIL!"

Her cover pretty much blown, "Lady Fettuccini" shoved Extra Servant #5 and the PMS-infected Princess into the cell and slammed the door. "Maybe it doesn't, but at least it matches the rest of me!" she said.

"What does _that_ mean!" Mario asked.

"You eediot! Just watch!" The lady called for her brother in her normal voice. "Cheatsy! Restore me to my natural loveliness!"

"This _isn't_ what you look like naturally?" said Mario, confused.

Larry ran in off cue, but he was still able to transform his sister back to her normal form. Or at least as normal as someone like Wendy O. Koopa could be, anyway.

Mario gasped. "Gahh! You mean, I fell for Kootie Pie Koopa?"

"_ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!_ THAT'S _WENDY O. KOOPA!_ Not 'Kootie Pie Koopa'! I've had it up to here with every one of you calling me "Kootie Pie"! Well, guess what, plumb scum. You've gotten my name wrong for the _LAST_ time!" And with that, Wendy pulled a lever that, you guessed it, wasn't there before! A trap door opened underneath Mario and Luigi and they fell through it.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggghhh!" the Marios yelled as they fell through the trap door.

"That'll teach you to call me Kootie Pie!" Wendy taunted down the trap door. "Hmmmm, hey Cheatsy, you think I oughta do the same thing to Teamo Supremo? They didn't get my name wrong, but they _did_ put a stop to my reign over America."

That's when another pipe happened to appear behind them. Out came a group of Boomerang Bros., Fire Chomps, and Paragoombas. Finally, Bowser arrived, squeezing himself out of the pipe. "Geeez, I have _got_ to go on a diet when we get home. Ahem. Hmmm..." He checked the script and addressed his kids. "Uh... Congratulations, my dastardly descendants! I have seldom seen badness done better! Actually, I've seen a _lot_ of badness done better..."

"Hey, is that an insult?" asked Larry, as his head briefly changed brown.

Ignoring his ward's quert, Bowser looked at the prisoners. "And as for you, you fun-spoiling goody-goodies, you're finally my captives!" He was about to turn around when he realized something. "Wait a minute..." He did a double take, then turned to his kids. "WHERE'S THE MARIO BROS.!"

"'They got out of line.'" Wendy answered.

"Kootie Pie, I thought I told you to stop reading those X-Entertainment sketches!" Bowser scolded. "Be serious for once."

"Fine," Wendy rolled her eyes. "I pulled the old trap door routine on them. And don't call me Kootie Pie!"

"The old trap door routine, eh? I love it, Kootie Pie! Maybe you can use it on Taco Supreme or whatever you call those imaginary foes of yours. Heh heh heh!" Bowser turned back to the prisoners. "Well, Sultan, I'll be upstairs gloating while my Doomship sucks your Orson Wales--er, your oil well dry!"

Wendy growled as her father started walking upstairs.

0-0-0

Down below, it turned out the trap door had deposited Mario and Luigi into the sewers.

"Get your ass moving, Luigi!" said Mario. "We gotta put a clog in Koopa's plans!"

"How do you know that he's here?" Luigi asked.

"Hey, if his kids are here," Mario explained. "Bowser's not far behind."

"Whoa." Luigi was awestruck. "For the first time, things have made sense in this episode."

Things got illogical again as Mario and Luigi climbed into a pipe that led them back into the basement. What was illogical about it was that the pipe was smaller than the both of them.

0-0-0

Up above, Wendy had once again gotten angry with her dad. "Sheesh! I cannot believe Daddy would get his own daughter's name wrong every time he talked to her! I ought to pull the trap door routine on _him!_"

"No no, Koot--er, Wendy." Larry reprimanded himself. "He is our father, and our master. Just taunt the Princess, seeing how you've pulled the trap door on her boyfriend!"

"What!" objected Peach.

"Yeah! That's right, Princess Fruitcake!" Wendy gloated through the door. "You'll never see Mae-rio again!"

"OK, firstly," the Princess pointed out, "that was a horrible pun on my first name. Secondly... he's _not_ my boyfriend. Thirdly, he and Luigi are bound to defeat you, just like they've done before... _Kootie Pie!_"

"Why you--!" Wendy shook her fists. "You wanna join your man and his bro in what lies beyond the trap door?"

As Wendy was yelling, Mario and Luigi came out of a pipe that had mysteriously appeared behind the Koopalings. Peach smiled, immediately knowing what to do, and taunted the brat again. "I dare you to say those things again, _Kootie Pie!_"

"Don't call me Kootie Pie!" Wendy warned. "If you do it once more, I'll let you of there just so you can fall into the trap door too!"

"_Kootie Pie! Kootie Pie! Kootie Pie!_" Peach continued.

While Wendy was jumping up and down angrily in response, she knocked Larry down, causing him to drop his wand.

Mario swiped it up, and he and Luigi ran to the stairway. "I think it's time 'Lady Fettuccini' met her match!"

"Ooh, is it Waluigi?" Luigi wanted to know. "Or Wario?"

"No, you fartknocker! It's..." With a zap from the wand, Mario turned his brother into a creature who had the looks of an obvious relative of Bowser, with gelled hair and a purple tuxedo. " ...Kasanova Koopa!"

"But Mario!"

"Ah ah ah, wrong voice!"

"Ooh, sorry. Ahem." Luigi, as "Kasanova Koopa" spoke with a deeper voice. "But a-Mario, what am I-a supposed to do?"

"Just sweep her off her feet like she did to me! I, and by that I mean me and the others, will take care of plumbing upstairs!" Mario pushed his transformed brother over to where the Koopalings were.

Wendy was still fuming at Peach calling her "Kootie Pie" when she turned around and noticed "Kasanova Koopa". Just as Mario went nuts like a Tex Avery wolf earlier, Wendy flipped dig like an anime girl catching sight of a good-looking man. "W-who are you?"

"Kasanova" kissesdher hand. "My friends-a call a-me... Kasanova Koopa! But you can-a call me... the Shredder! I mean, Sweet Lips!"

Larry grimaced as "Kasanova" kissed his sister. He was hoping that Wendy wasn't going to go into a romantic musical number like certain other princesses. Snow White, Princess Aurora, Ariel the Little Mermaid, anyone? See, at least the heroines in Disney's television shows, like Gadget Hackwrench and Kim Possible, don't burst out in songs like that. I've always liked the over-neglected TV division of Disney better anyway. Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, Luigi was romancing Wendy as "Kasanova Koopa". He didn't really like having to kiss her. But who'd want to lock lips with a hybrid of dinosaur and turtle? Eww.

"Wow, you're quite a kisser!" said Wendy. "You're like the lyrics of Elton John's songs! Do you know if Ron Stoppable's got lips as good as yours? He's got a lot of fangirls from what I've seen."

"Uh, you're not gonna make her start singing, are you?" Larry asked, but again he was ignored. He sure is getting ignored, ain't he?

"Hey, ummmmm, Wendy! Can-a we get-a some privacy?" suggested "Kasanova". "Say, we clear out the riffraff and a-redecorate in here?"

"O... kay..." Wendy opened the dungeon door. "Y'all get offa our propity and leave us in peace!"

So the prisoners left the cell and headed upstairs with Mario as Wendy pulled out her wand (the same one that enlarged and shrunk earlier) and used it to turn the dungeon into a lounge of lurve... er, love.

"Wendy, I'm not sure King Dad would like this!" Larry nitpicked.

"Don't be silly, my little artichoke of a brother!" said Wendy. "Daddy only wants me to be happy."

"Yeah." Larry kicked some dirt and said to himself, "And for all our sakes, she'd better _ stay_ happy."

"And believe me, Kasanova's the only man... er, reptile, for me!"

"He'd better be."

Wendy started kissing "Kasanova" some more, all the while standing in midair and holding her wand at the same time. Then the illogical happened. Her wand somehow, unintentionally, changed Luigi back from Kasanova Koopa to his normal self.

Larry was so shocked that his head flashed orange. "LUIGI!"

Luigi was shocked also. "Luigi?"

The face on the quarter gasped again. "Luigi?"

Some rats hiding under the dinner table peeked out. "Luigi?"

"Luigi?" said Prince Hugo and his parrot.

"Luigi?" said Giovanni.

"Luigi?" said Ganon.

"Luigi?" said King K. Rool, Klump and Krusha.

"Luigi?" said King Dedede and Escargoon.

"Luigi?" said Pokey Minch.

"Luigi?" said Darkwing Duck.

"Luigi!" yelled Rocko, watching this on TV.

"Luigi?" said Jimmy Neutron.

"Luigi?" said Billy Hatcher.

"Ruigi?" said Scooby Doo.

"Luigi?" said Tony the Tiger.

"Luigi?" said Bart Simpson, as he was writing "I will not destroy the fourth wall" on the chalkboard.

"Luigi?" said Mr. Crocker.

"Luigi?" said Shredder, Bebop and Rocksteady.

"Luigi?" said Dr. K.

"Luigi?" said Dial Bolic.

"Luigi?" said Dr. Ivo Robotnik.

"Luigi?" said Timon and Pumbaa.

"Luigi?" said George Beard and Harold Hutchins.

"Luigi?" said the 40 Thieves, poking their heads out of big baskets.

"Luigi?" said Ren & Stimpy, sticking their heads out of trash cans.

"Luigi?" said Kronk.

"LUIGI?" said Invader ZIM.

"Luigi?" said Harry Potter.

"Luigi?" said Strong Bad, watching this on his Compy 386.

"Luigi?" said Tex Avery's Wolf.

"LOU-IGIII?" said a quintet of Gumbies who were standing in front of a BBC broadcasting building.

"Luigi!" said Wendy.

"What?" said Luigi. "You expected Mario to be the one in this disguise... _Kootie Pie!_"

Wendy hovered up, nearly banging her head on the ceiling. "Aaaagh! I've been kissed by a plumber! I have plumber germs! Get hot water! Get some disinfectant! Get some iodine!"

"Uh, bleaah?" Luigi stuck out his tongue.

"**One argument later...**" said the French Narrator.

Luigi was soon on the run from the Koopalings, as they were chasing him up the stairs.

"Get my name wrong and then put the moves on me, huh?" Wendy shook her fist. "I'll show you! I'll tie your lips behind your head, and you'll never kiss again!"

"I don't think that's scientifically possible..." Luigi said as he ran up.

0-0-0

Up above, Mario and the others had been setting up some pipes in the kitchen. I wonder how they did it? Well, at least the kitchen didn't have illogical things happening in it like the basement did.

"We're all set!" directed Mario. "Princess, when I give the signal, turn the wheel!"

"Rrright! Whatever you say!" Peach saluted. "Uh, what _is_ the signal?"

"Just wait'll I say 'now'! Oh, and uh, sorry for making you so angry back there..." Mario apologized.

"That's okay. I know about your experience with Pauline, so I know how you get around pretty women."

"How'd you know about Pauline?"

"Mr. Miyamoto told me," Peach replied.

Just then, Luigi came in via a trap door. "Whoa! The Koopa Kids are right behind me!"

"What's with the 'whoa'?" Mario questioned the oddity in Luigi's statement.

"I don't know," Luigi reasoned.

Mario walked up to the trap door holding a hose as Luigi stood behind the others. "Now!" he called.

Peach turned the valve, and as if on cue, the unidentifiable voices returned, this time singing "Slippin' and Slidin'" by Little Richard. Wendy and Larry were just coming out of the trap door when they suddenly met a wall of oil gushing at them. Bowser, the Boomerang Bros., and the Fire Chomps were just coming in when the kids slid right into them. (The Paragoombas were out at lunch.)

"Hey! What the crap's goin' on here?" yelled Bowser.

"Those Mario Bros. escaped from the trap door and tricked me! Then they hit us with an oil hose! And, worst of all... THEY GOT MY NAME WRONG AGAIN!" Wendy screamed.

"Really? I didn't hear _Mario_ calling you 'Kootie Pie'," Larry pointed out.

"Oh, I should've known better than to trust you little cretins on this!" Bowser sent his Boomerang Bros. and Fire Chomps to attack, but they just got washed away in a way similar to that of how Bowser was taken away by a flood in an earlier episode. Needless to say, he wasn't at all happy about this. "Damn! I'll just have to handle this myself." He approached Mario, Luigi, Peach, Toad, the Sultan, and Extra Servant #5. "All right, let's see you guys try and take on _me_ with that silly ol' hose!"

Mario gripped the oil hose. "With pleasure!"

Peach turned the lever again, but this time, nothing but a gasp came out of the hose. And the song came to an abrupt end.

"What the crap--!" Mario shook the hose. "We can't possibly be out of oil already! It's not in the script!"

"Heh heh heh heh heh!" Bowser chuckled. "Well, I guess I win for once! You're just about out of second chances."

Suddenly, the wall behind him exploded as the Team Rocket music started to play. Black smoke started to fill the room, and two figures obscured by the shadows appeared in the crater in the wall.

"What the Foshizzle--!" Bowser turned to face the explosion. "Another bunch of intruders?"

"I'd be intimidated if I were you," a male voice declared.

"Allow us to introduce ourselves," a female voice also declared.

"To protect ChalkZone from devastation," said the male voice.

"To stand up to bullies within every nation," rhymed the female voice.

"To denounce the evils of egocentric doc-tords," said the male voice, not seeming to mind his made-up word.

"To give this rhyme some sensible words," said the female voice, obviously noting her companion's odd word.

The smoke pulled away from the two speakers, revealing them. The masculine half of the pair was holding a piece of his Magic Chalk in his left hand. A big neon picture of a stick of chalk appeared from out of nowhere behind them.

"_Rudy!_" the boy announced his name.

"_Penny!_" the girl did the same.

"The ChalkZone Gang, blasting off with White Lightning!" Rudy Tabootie declared.

"Come peacefully, or we shall have to start fighting!" Penny Sanchez demanded.

Snap jumped in front of them. "Ya got that right!"

EVERYONE, including Extra Servant #5, the face on the quarter, the rats under the dinner table, and even Hugo and his parrot, was left in a stupor at the sudden appearance of this trio of visitors from another cartoon. And wouldn't you know it, Snap and the cute couple who happened to be on his "Known Confidants" list were rather surprised themselves.

"Heeeeey... you ain't Skrawl and the Beanie Boys!" Snap stated the obvious, at least to him.

"Kootie Pie!" Bowser eyed his daughter. "Is this that Cheamo Zupremo you keep telling me about!"

"Don't call me Kootie Pie! And that's not Teamo Supremo!" yelled Wendy, pointing at the ChalkZone trio.

"Well, whoever they are, they're trying to ruin our plans! I need backup. Kabu, send the Warpstar!" Bowser mistakenly called out. "No, no, wait... I need the Doomship!"

"Who _is_ this guy?" an annoyed Snap asked the Mario Bros.

"Uh, that's Bowser Koopa, our biggest enemy," Mario answered. "He causes most of the shizzat around here, Snap."

"Wait, how did you know his name?" Rudy wanted to know.

"Hhhhh." Mario sighed. "Waluigi watches you guys on Nickelodeon a lot."

"What are you guys doing here anyway?" Luigi asked. "And how'd you blow up that wall?"

"I could ask the same question as to how it's possible that a kingdom of fungi can be ruled by a human," Penny criticized.

"We thought this was where Skrawl was hidin' out!" Snap flailed his arms.

Rudy sighed. "I'll have to draw up another bomb when we find his real hideout."

"Hang on, Rudy," Mario tugged on the kid's shoulder, "I think we may need your help."

"What?"

Just then, the Doomship came crashing into the tower. Hang on, was the Doomship moving by itself? I thought they left all the magic goofs in the basement. Bowser, his kids, and his bitches climbed aboard. Then, this time with Bowser controlling it, it backed out.

Bowser pushed a few buttons at his control panel. "Now all those foolish dumbasses will see the _true_ creepiness of the Ku Klux Klan! I mean, the Koopa Klan! Bwa ha ha!"

The flame jets of the Doomship turned on full blast, creating enough force for the tower's roof to cave in. I hope that's more logical than anything that's happened in the basement.

"Mario! Luigi!" The Sultan addressed the ChalkZone Trio. "Whoever you guys are! You must stop King Koopa before my palace is destroyed!"

"We've only got two chances..." Mario said dramatically. "And we're gonna take the more logical one!"

"Couldn't we just rig the oil hose to squirt oil at the Doomship?" Luigi pointed out.

"Don't be stupid, Luigi! Anything illogical in this episode should only happen in the basement." Mario turned to the 10-year-old artist in his presence. "Rudy! Draw me another bomb!"

"Uh, right! One Chalkbomb coming up!" Using his Magic Chalk, Rudy drew up a Chalkbomb and lit the fuse.

Mario took the bomb and leaped out the window. "HAPPY EASTER!" he screamed as he threw the bomb into the air. It landed right in the Doomship's cockpit.

"NO!" Bowser's eyes bulged.

The Chalkbomb exploded, and the explosion sent the Doomship sailing into the distance.

"LOOKS LIKE TEAM KOOPA'S BLASTING OFF AGAIN!" Bowser, Wendy, and Larry all screamed at once.

As the Doomship disappeared from sight with a "ding", Mario landed spectacularly and got high scores from three nearby Mushroom judges. "Thank you, thank you," he said as he took some bows. "Just go to your nearest video game retailer if you want more of that."

Luigi, Peach, Toad, the Sultan, Extra Servant #5, Rudy, Penny, and Snap came running out. Penny was pointing out to the others that the explosion they had just witnessed couldn't have been logical, as the bomb was made of chalk dust.

But Mario wasn't listening, as he was congratulating Rudy for his help. "Well, Rudy Tabootie, I'd say that _you_ are a real one-of-a-kind wonder dog."

"Say what?" a confused Rudy bit.

"Wait, that wasn't the right thing to say. Anyway, I really thank you for helping me fight off the Koopas today," Mario said as he shook the artist's hand. "You're as good a ChalkZone Hero as Snap and your fans say you are. Words cannot describe how great a guy you are! Why, Penny's parents will be thrilled, what with you being betrothed to her and all."

Penny stopped her lecture. "What?"

"Betrothed," Mario defined. "Intended. Affianced."

Rudy shook his head. "Meaning...?"

"Someday you two are going to be _married!_" Mario said, holding on to his suspenders like coat lapels.

Rudy and Penny blushed and giggled nervously at Mario's naughty little "prediction". He sure gets a kick out of teasing wanna-be couples that I happen to support, doesn't he? But it didn't change the fact that there was now a smoldering heap of gravel that was once the palace. I guess the first Chalkbomb explosion and the Doomship's jets made it that way.

"Mario!" the Sultan whined. "That's dandy and all, but what are we going to do about my palace? It's ruined!"

"Uh, not to worry, Mr. ...Whatever-Your-Name-Is." Rudy took out his Magic Chalk again. "I'll draw you up a new one!"

"Hang on, Rudy!" Mario stopped him. "I don't think the Sultan would be comfortable with a house made of chalk. It'd be like the story of Willy Wonka building the chocolate palace for that Indian Prince."

"He has a point there, Rudy," said Penny in agreement. "What if it rains?"

"Wouldn't that turn it into ChalkRain?" Rudy asked. "No no, wait, that's what chalk drawings on the sidewalk washed off by rain become..."

"Step back, Little Da Vinci." Mario interrupted. "Let Luigi and me handle it."

"How're ya gonna rebuild somethin' that wouldn't take Rudy very long to replace?" criticized Snap.

"With this!" Luigi pulled out Larry's wand. "Since the Koopas _ stupidly_ left if behind, we might as well give it a shot!"

Rudy, Penny, Snap, and Mario cleared away as Luigi zapped the remains of the palace. As the palace made its transformation, the wand bended in his hands.

"Oh no!" Luigi moaned. "The wand's melted!"

"Uh, technically, Luigi, it's bent, not melted," corrected Penny.

"It doesn't matter if it's melted or bent, it's an ex-wand!" Luigi verified.

"But my palace... is perfect!" declared the Sultan.

All twelve of them (that's counting the three judges) marveled in glory at the restored palace. It was like the digital restoration of an age-old Disney movie.

Penny sighed and looked at Rudy suggestively. "It's... romantically beautiful."

Rudy smiled back at his girlfriend. "Yeah...

Oh brother," Snap muttered.

"In that case... I got first dibs on the Jacuzzi!" Mario prepared to go inside.

Luigi stopped his brother. "Oh no you don't! _I'm_ the one who fixed it."

Mario angrily faced his brother. "Yeah? Well, _I_ threw the bomb at Koopa!"

"Well, _I_ had to kiss Kootie Pie!"

"Well, she pulled an Ursula the Sea-Witch on _me!"_

Well, _I_ saved _you_ from being trapped in a painting!"

"Yeah? Well, Peach likes _me_ more!"

"But I'm already datin' Daisy!"

"Why you--!" The Mario Bros. jumped at each other like wrestlers as an offscreen bell dinged.

"I have a feeling this argument will take another episode to resolve," said Extra Servant #5.

Peach, Toad, the Sultan, Extra Servant #5, Rudy, Penny, and Snap all laughed themselves silly as Mario and Luigi rolled about beating each other up, like in Super Smash Bros. Melee. Hey, they just _needed_ to laugh!

* * *

So there you have it! Rudy Tabootie, Penny Sanchez, and Snap are the special guests of this episode! Were you expecting them? If not, who _were_ you expecting? Please tell me in your reviews!


	4. Toddler Terrors of Time Travel

**Author's Note:** I hated this episode, because I found it really confusing. I've always liked the time-travel plot in cartoons, but when they did it in Mario's animated adventures, they really messed it up, and the story made no sense at all. Also, the bathtub in this episode didn't look like the bathtub featured in the cartoon intro for the first season. Speaking of which, in an earlier episode, Peach was turned into a baby, and she acted like one! But here, Mario, Luigi, Toad, Bowser, and Ludwig are turned into babies who DON'T act like babies. Even I had trouble making spoofing this episode! But I finally managed to finish it, so here it is.

* * *

**"Toddler Terrors of Time Travel"**

Once again, it was a dark day in Darkland, and the invisible camera found itself panning over to Bowser's Castle, blah blah, etc. But at this particular time, Bowser didn't seem to be in the mood for hatching evil plots. Rather, he was sitting on his throne, putting ice packs (decorated with pictures of crowns) on top of his head. "Ohh, my aching head!" he groaned. "Oooh!"

"It seems you get these headaches every time you get clobbered by the Mario Bros." Ludwig Von Koopa declared the obvious.

"Well, no shit, Kooky! Of course I get these headaches every time I get clobbered by the Mario Bros.! They _always_ clobber me!" Bowser whined. "I even became invincible in Paper Mario and I _still_ couldn't beat Mario! You don't have to tell me how I'm getting my own headaches! You may be my smartest kid, but it doesn't mean you have to state the obvious!"

Ludwig rolled his eyes. "Could you _please_ not call me 'Kooky'? It makes me sound like a girl."

"Shut up!" Bowser yelled. "Sheesh... I could've taken over the Mushroom Kingdom years ago..."

"If only those nincompoop plumbers hadn't fallen down that warp zone pipe in Brooklyn!" said Ludwig, finishing his dad's line.

"KOOKY!" Bowser yelled. "Being smart doesn't mean you can finish my sentences either!"

Bowser Koopa Jr. sat nearby, reading the National Enquirer. "Well, papa, Ludwig _does_ have a point. If the events of the Mario Bros. arcade game never occurred, you would've been in total control of the Mushroom Kingdom."

"You see, pop?" Ludwig pointed. "Princie understands what I'm saying!"

Bowser Jr. rolled his own eyes. "Please, Ludwig, don't call me that name; it makes me sound snobby."

"Princie," Bowser addressed his clone-son, "you may have a point, but it still doesn't mean Kooky can state the obvious!"

"Well, why not? A lot of people are doing it in cartoons based on video games." Bowser Jr. started listing them on his fingers. "Ludwig, Wendy, Larry, 'Mama Peach', Kevin Keene, GameBoy the Supercomputer, Pac-Man, Ms. Pac-Man, Sonic Hedgehog, Knuckles the Echidna, Dr. Ivo Robotnik, General Klump, Ash Ketchum, Tracey Sketchit, Tiff Ebrum, Marik Ishtar, the emcee on 'Ultimate Muscle'..."

"DAMN IT, PRINCIE! I get the freakin' picture!"

Kamek the Magikoopa appeared out of nowhere. "Or how about this? If I hadn't messed up capturing them when they were babies, you wouldn't _ever_ have to worry about them!"

"Kamek!" Bowser was surprised. "Where'd _you_ come from!"

"I'm a Magikoopa; I magically appeared behind you!" said Kamek. "How do you _ think_ I got here?

"Hh. Very well." Bowser shook his head. "Well, if any of you has an idea, speak up now or forever hold your peace."

Ludwig and Kamek paced around, trying to get an idea, as Bowser watched them and Bowser Jr. returned to his articles. During the course of their conversation, Toad stood nearby, hidden in a flower pot, listening with the help of his trusty periscope that could somehow pick up audio and make it loud enough for the possessor to hear what he was supposedly listening to. I can't believe the Koopas didn't notice him. What happened to reptiles being such smart creatures?

But then Ludwig got an idea. An awful idea. Ludwig Von Koopa got a wonderful, awful idea! "Maybe we can go back and change history, King Dad. All ve need is a little... _TIME TRAVEL!_"

"Time travel?" Bowser tried to keep his ice packs on his head. "You mean the second-most overused plot in television cartoons, next to the shrinking plot?"

"Just picture it, King Dad!" Ludwig encouraged. "A vorld vit'out those wretched reptile - er, despicable plumbers. Think about it!"

"Hmmm..." Bowser fantasized for a bit. "Yes, yes! Ehh-xcellent! All the Toads are stone, horsehair plants, bricks, and whatever else I can turn them into; Princess Peach can't do anything about it, for she is my prisoner and no one can rescue her; the Mushroom World monarchs become my own petting zoo; the Yoshies and their pretty little island are reduced to fossil fuel; Isle Delfino is full of pollution-causing paint; the Dream Depot's good dreams are never restored; the Wario Bros. are forced to give all their money to me; Wart has permanent control of Subcon; the Black Sugar Pirates rule the six seas; and best of all... no having to hear of Fairlo Oppreemo or Jimmo Neutrino or whatever Kootie Pie keeps whining about!"

"DON'T CALL ME 'KOOTIE PIE'!" Wendy O. Koopa screamed from offscreen.

"Whatever. Anyway, Kooky, that's a great idea you've got!" Bowser swiped the Enquirer from Bowser Jr. "Put up your articles! We're gonna go back in time and prevent the Mario Bros. from ever going down that drainpipe!"

"Sire, if I may offer a suggestion," Kamek offered, "it might make more sense if we go back to whatever year it was when I had that vision of the then-being delivered Mario Bros. bringing ruin to the empire. In that time, we could help me capture both of them _and_ the stork, and therefore, prevent the Mario Bros. from ever being brought to their Mushroom Kingdom parents!"

Bowser eyed his chief spellcaster oddly. "Don't be ridiculous, Kamek! Those lousy Yoshies might come and rescue them anyway even if wedid capture both of the Baby Marios! We're not takin' any chances. I say we clog up the pipe that brought them back to the Mushroom Kingdom, and that's final!" And he walked off with Ludwig and Bowser Jr.

Kamek followed them. "I still think my idea makes more sense."

0-0-0

Soon, inside the Doomship's control room, Ludwig was fiddling with one of his many inventions. You see, not only was he the genius of the Koopalings, but he was very very smart, too. Bowser, B.J., and Kamek stood, watching.

"I've got to be careful; this is the only Time Travel Tube I've got," said Ludwig,

"Well then, Kooky," Bowser Jr. asked, "why didn't ya just make some more in case this one breaks?"

"Please, I don't like being called that," Ludwig warned. "Call me Ludvig."

"Okay, Ludvig." Bowser Jr. made fun of his older brother's accent.

"It's Ludvig, not 'Ludvig'!"

"Well, how can you talk clearly? You have that stupid German accent! Why do you even have it?"

"Because my namesake vuz German!"

"Really? I thought DiC didn't know our real names!"

Bowser interrupted the conversation. "I don't mean to call you a nut, Kooky, but I don't see how that silly little tube is going to get us back to Brooklyn and keep the Mario Bros. from ever leaving!"

"I know vhat I'm doing, King Dad!" Ludwig bit. "Don't you trust your oldest son?"

"Well, in a way, yes, but in another way, no." Bowser put up both of his hands. "Kootie Pie still thinks it's my fault for her run-in with these Supremofriends she claims ruined her America takeover. The last thing I need is my kids blaming me for getting captured by people I don't know anything about. I don't want you joining your only sister in that 'blame-it-on-dad' madness."

"Sire, I do not wish to upset your eldest son, but if you are correct in doubting his Time Travel Tube, I have another suggestion," offered Kamek. "I could use my magic to send you back to the year to which you are aiming to go. So what mode of time transportation would you like, sire? A DeLorean? A Time Scooter? A Purple Potty converted into a time machine? Or maybe a simple cardboard box labeled 'Time Machine'?"

"No, Kamek!" said Bowser. "Shut up, please, or I'll stomp on you again!"

"Say papa, why are we using the Doomship for this anyway?" Bowser Jr. critiqued. "Couldn't we just use the Koopa Cruiser?"

"The young master has a point, sire," said Kamek in agreement. "We're using the Doomship for a job we could do just as easily in the Koopa Cruiser."

"I said shut up!" bellowed Bowser. "I don't want to hear your stupid suggestions today, Kamek!"

"Oh, poopsie!" Kamek pouted. "You don't want to hear my suggestions today, no matter if they'll help you or hinder you! It's because I was left out of Mario Kart 64, isn't it? It was bad enough that Nintendo just called me 'Magikoopa' when they called it Super Mario Kart R, but then they had to go and replace me with Donkey Kong when they changed its name! You don't listen to me 'cause I'm so damn neglected!"

"Oh, Kamek, that's not true at all!" said Bowser. "For some reason, I don't feel like taking your ideas today!"

Toad's magic periscope was still eyeing them and picking up their sinister plotting from around the corner. As the Koopas started up their argument, it retracted itself back to its holder. You'd have to see it to know what I meant when I said it was a magic periscope. Toad climbed out of his disguise and looped his animation a few times as he talked to himself.

"Well, it's a good thing I planted myself here." Toad guffawed at that. "Planted myself. I oughta make a joke book. But foist I'd better get da Mario Bros.!"

0-0-0

And so Toad headed back to his house. The Mario Bros. were making themselves comfortable, eating pizza and lasagna, when he came rushing in, jumping like a jackrabbit and screaming frantically, " - hey, where'd you get da food?"

"Your sister baked it for us!" Mario answered. "How else?"

Toadette, Toad's sister, came out of the kitchen, with an apron on her bod and oven mittens on her hands. "Hey, big brother. Whatcha been up to?"

"I've just been doin' some investigative work for da Fungus Bureau of Investigation over at Koopa's evil fortress of evilness!" Toad panicked. "And he's got a disastrous plan in store dis week!"

"Really? What's he plan to do?" Mario swallowed a piece of pizza he was chewing on. "Kill King Toadstool?"

"Yeah, that'd be a waste of a murder," said Luigi, "considering that the Peach's father isn't much of a good ruler."

"DIS HAS NUTTIN' T'DO WIT' DA KING!" Toad shook his fists. "Koopa plans to go back in time an' prevent youse from ever gettin' here!"

"Oh no!" Mario pretended to gasp. "We have to hurry! Lighten up, Toadie."

"I'm totally serious! If Koopa changes da past, I'll never be born!" Toad waved his arms even more frantically.

"Well, tell us why we should get up off our seats and follow him?" Luigi requested.

"Yeah, chances are his scheme's a-full of plotholes!" Mario didn't want to leave his seat either.

"Are you sure you didn't have too much coffee this morning, Toad?" Toadette asked.

"Look, Marios!" Toad tried to put it simply. "Koopa's going back in time, detoimined to prevent everything that's happened since you arrived here from ever happening!"

"Toad, this just sounds like a badly-written version of a movie focusing on time-travel," Mario deduced. "Besides, seeing the trend of his defeats lately, someone else is bound to stop him! Perhaps Scooby-Doo and his gang will round up the Flintstones, the Jetsons, the Yogi Bear group, the Smurfs, and even the Snorks, and they'll drive 'im away with a big insane parade float on which they'll wiggle their asses whilst Scooby himself breakdances."

"Isn't that how they celebrated Scooby's 15th birthday at Macy's 1984 Thanksgiving parade?" Toadette asked.

"Mario! Luigi!" Toad yelled, ignoring his sister. "Peach told you already dat dis is _your_ show, and if somebody's got to stop Koopa, it's youse two!"

"Sorry, we're not leaving your sister's pasta to put a stop to something that some other hero can surely handle," said Mario.

"But you guys gotta stop Koopa! Pleeeeease?" Toad quivered his lips.

"Oh no, don't go there with me!" said Mario, not falling for the Puppy Dog Pout. "That may work in the real world, but it ain't workin' on a video game cartoon!"

"Fine! If da Puppy Dog Pout won't woik, den I know what _will_ - a little routine labeled by Donald Duck's nephews as 'Plan B'!" Toad threw himself on the ground and pounds his arms and legs, whilst whining and screaming endlessly.

Mario sweatdropped. "OK, OK! We'll stop Bowser from changing the past! Anything to get you to stop that stupid 'Plan B'!"

Toad smiled gladly. "All right! Let's get goin'!"

"Ooh! An adventure!" Toadette threw off her oven mitts. "Can I come, big brother?"

"No, sis!" Toad scolded. "You're just a character created for Mario Kart: Double Dash so dat I'd have a partner. We don't need you in an adventure game!"

Toadette watched as her big brother and his two friends headed off towards Darkland.

0-0-0

Soon, in front of Bowser's Castle, several Hammer Bros. were loading up crates onto the Doomship. Of course, I don't know why. Bowser wasn't going on vacation, and he wasn't preparing to attack any kingdoms in the Mushroom World. Mario, Luigi, and Toad snuck over to the load of crates.

"Damn. I hate Hammer Bros. Filthy, stinking, no good, sons of bitches!" Luigi expressed his hatred further by sticking his tongue out. "So what's the plan for gettin' past those guys?"

"Live bait," Mario answered.

"What!" Luigi jumped back. "You mean we gotta dress in drag and do the hula?"

"Oh, hell no, Luigi! I was only joking!" Mario broke out the real plan. "We're gonna conceal ourselves from their view."

"Great idea!" Toad commented. "But any thoughts as t'how?"

"Simple! We'll squeeze ourselves into one of the crates!" Mario pointed to one that was suspiciously open and empty.

"Hey! We can't _all_ fit in there!" Luigi stated the obvious.

"Sure we can!" the optimistic Mario denied.

"But it might make more sense if we just put ourselves in separate crates, considering that these crates individually are a hundred times too small for all three of us to fit in," Luigi sermoned, "and therefore, we couldn't poss-YEOW!"

Mario, not listening to his brother's lecture, tossed him and Toad into the open, empty crate in front of them. Then he jumped in himself and closed the lid on top of them. Inside, the following conversation came up.

Toad: "Mario's always gettin' us into tight spots."

Mario: "Hey, Toadie! Shut up with the lousy puns."

Toad: "Will ya stop callin' me Toadie? And get yer finger outta my eye, Luigi!"

Luigi: "Well, I will as soon as you get your hand out of my belly button!"

Toad: "My hand's not even near your belly button, stupid!"

Luigi: "Then why do I feel like someone's shoving their pinkies up my belly button?"

Mario: "Oops, that'd be me..."

Luigi: "See, I told you we should've gotten into separate crates!"

A Hammer Brother picked up the crate and heaved it around in his weak arms, all the while the other Hammer Brother behind him carried five crates without straining, as he had the strength of a Chomp Brother and a Sledge Brother combined. And for those who are uneducated, Chomp Bros. are new enemies featured in Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga. With Arnold Schwarzeneggerian bodies and Chain Chomps for projectiles, they are indeed the strongest breed of the helmeted Koopa Troopas. But for some reason, the Chomp Bros. were nowhere to be seen today. Maybe they were hanging out with Rainier Wolfcastle and Jorgen Von Strangle, watching their favorite soap opera, "All My Biceps".

"Jeez, I must be gettin' out of shape!" Hammer Bro 1 griped. "This crate weighs ten times as much as the last one!"

"Aaaah, quit your whinin', stupid!" grinned Hammer Bro 2. "You should've been payin' attention during the Chomp Bros.' training sessions, slacker!"

The Hammer Bros. lugged the luggage into the control room of the Doomship, narrowly avoiding getting hit by the droppings of the Parabeetles flying overhead. Bowser, Kamek, and Bowser Jr. stood nearby as Ludwig configured his Time Travel Tube.

"Where do you want these supplies, your ultimate evilness?" Hammer Bro 1 asked his boss.

"Mmmm, right there in the corner's good enough." Bowser pointed.

The Hammer Bros. tossed the crates right there in the corner, during which Toad made one of his stupid squeaking noises. As the Hammer Bros. walked out, Bowser walked over to the crates and looked around.

"Did you just hear something?" he asked.

"Nope, just your imagination!" Mario stupidly blurted from inside the crate.

Toad blew a raspberry. "And he tells _me_ t'shut up."

"Oh." Bowser did a double take. "Wait a tic... did that crate just talk to me!"

"Really, sir, how the hell should _I_ know?" Bowser Jr. rolled his eyes again. "You've got that stupid music playing in the background."

"If I knew, I'd tell you, except you don't want to hear anything from me today, _sire_." Kamek was still mad at Bowser not listening to him.

Just then, loud obnoxious alarms came blaring out of Ludwig's invention.

"It's working!" Ludwig declared as the Doomship took off. "I'll take us back to that Brooklyn drain just before noon, when the Mario Bros. walked into the Mushroom Kingdom!"

"Ehh-xcellent," Bowser said again. "I don't think I could wait any longer, 'cause I just can't wait to be king of the Mushroom Kingdom. And when I've done that, I won't have to hear Kootie Pie complaining about Teaso Cheeso anymore!"

"Really? Well, this'd be much easier if he had specified which year we need to go to." Bowser Jr. nitpicked as he polished his fingernails..

Bowser turned to his clone. "What? What did you say, BJ?"

"Well, all 'Kooky' said about when we were going to is that we'd be heading 'back to that Brooklyn drain just before noon'. I don't think he said anything about which specific date it was.

Bowser looked in both directions. "Uh-oh..."

"What is et, King Dad?" Ludwig asked.

"He's back." Bowser answered.

"Snoopy?" Bowser Jr. looked up from his nail-polishing.

"No! The worst writer this cartoon has ever had..." Bowser's eyes narrowed as lightning struck behind him. "_Rowby Goren._"

"Rowby Goren?" Ludwig, Bowser Jr., and Kamek said in unison.

"This writer is a cursed one," Bowser described. "I know, because I was in an episode that he wrote - 'Mario's Magic Carpet'. I continually asked the producers to let someone else write the episode, but they simply refused. The quarter-hour that the script expelled was one of the most badly-written things I've ever been involved in. There were plot holes and obvious-stating everywhere! Not to mention the animation was so bad the clouds looked like background scenery from 'Seussical'. And now Rowby Goren is back to torture me once more with his drunk-monkey writing!"

"Hey, did he just say Rowby Goren was writing this episode?" Mario asked from inside the crate.

"Mario, shut da hell up!" Toad bit. "You'll let Koopa know we're here!"

"Well, if Rowby Goren's really writing this," Luigi tried to shake his head but couldn't, "that may make sense."

Not hearing the voices inside the crate nearby, Bowser took the wheel. "Damn it, Kooky! You're such a slowpoke!"

"But King Dad! It'll blow if you give it more juice!" Ludwig yelled. "Besides, I wasn't even driving!"

"See? That's the curse of Rowby Goren's Crappy Scriptwriting!" Bowser indicated. "It's taking effect!"

"Forget that, King Dad! It's going out of control!"

The Doomship started to shake around. During which, the crate the Marios were hiding in slid towards the Time Tube and knocked it into the air. Although Ludwig was lucky enough to catch it, the box then slid the other way and smashed into the wall, spilling out its human contents and their companion.

"Stowaways! What the hell are you doing here?" Bowser finally took notice of them. I can't believe he didn't hear them earlier. Is it because turtles don't have ears?

Then for no reason, Toadette ran in. "Are you guys okay?" she panted.

"What the! Gosalyn! I thought I told you to stay outside!" Toad scolded her.

"But Toad, I'm your sister!" Toadette pointed out the error in Toad's line.

"Hey Toadette, how'd you get in here?" Mario asked.

"I took out the crate-carrying Hammer Bros.," answered Toadette, "with the help of freshly-unearthed vegetables."

"Forget about them, help me!" Ludwig was keeping a grip on his invention. "We're going too far back in time!"

"How do you know?" Kamek critiqued. "I don't see any time portal outside."

Before Bowser could respond to the Magikoopa's nitpicking, the Doomship shook some more. When it finally straightened itself out, the Time Tube had somehow changed everyone in the room into babies! Well, except for Bowser Jr. and Kamek, that is. Bowser Jr. had, oddly enough, de-aged into an egg, and Kamek, being a magical being, wasn't affected by the transformation in any way. Mario and Luigi still had moustaches, though. And despite the physical transformation, they didn't seem to act differently, except for Toadette.

Bowser, realizing he had a pacifier in his mouth, spat it out, but it rebounded off a computer screen and hit him in the eye. "Ouchies!"

"Hey Mario!" Luigi cries really loud and unconvincingly.

"Cut that out, Luigi!" Mario tried to scold. "You're a grown man."

"No, Mario! I'm a baby. And you are, too! Those lousy reptiles turned us into toddlers!" Luigi bitched.

"Well, we seem to be speaking normal English for babies," noted Mario. "Not to mention we've still got our moustaches!"

"I don't feel any different either. But Toadette's sure actin' weird! Look!" Toad pointed at his sister.

"That's right, Merlock!" Toadette was now acting and talking like Dijon the Thief. "The treasure map was written in Colli Baba's own hand!"

"Don't look at me; I knew this would happen," Kamek said, "so I protected myself from this."

"Hang on. Maybe I can get us back on course and return us to normal." Ludwig fiddled with the Time Tube.

Bowser tried to stand on his hind legs. "Are we heading back to the right year, Kooky?"

"Oh, how the hell should _I_ know, King Dad!" said Ludwig. "You just said earlier I didn't specify which year you wanted to go to!"

"Well, since my first appearance in a video game was in 1985," Bowser figured, "then that's where we should be going!"

"Fine," Ludwig considered. "But you should've said so earlier!"

Just then, the Doomship crashed to the ground, landing in the town square of Brooklyn, NY. Mario and Luigi crawled out, followed by Toad, who was carrying Toadette on his back.

"Yes, yes!" Toadette uttered. "You will be more powerful than locomotives! More faster than speedy bulls! You will leap tall buildings in a single bound!"

"How come we're still babies?" Toad asked.

"I don't know how, but the crash must have messed up the Time Tube!" said Mario.

Luigi didn't believe that. "That doesn't sound possible..."

Mario looked at the clock tower, which read 2:00 PM, and gasped. "Oh my god! We don't have much time to get to the apartment where we fell down the drain!"

"Uh, correction - we don't have ANY time at all! Kooky said earlier dat the event happened at noon." Toad said, noting the time on the clock. "Besides, why bother tryin' to get dere? Shouldn't your past counterparts be doin' dat?"

"Do things have to make sense around here? Rowby Goren is writing this." Mario reminded his friend.

"Oh yeah."

"Well, as small as we are," Luigi noted, "we'll have to find a shortcut."

"Man, what I wouldn't give for the Goo-Goo Buggy right now..." Mario mumbled as they started to crawl off.

Bowser, Ludwig, and Kamek, carrying the egg-turned Bowser Jr., crawled out of the wreckage.

"Hey, they're getting away!" Bowser pointed. "Let's get those diapered dodos!"

"Wait, King Dad! I need a little bit of confirmation here!" Ludwig called to a suspicious-looking man nearby. "You zere! What day of ze year is zis?"

"Why, it's October 2nd, 1985, young man!" answered the suspicious man.

"And has anyone called for a plumber today?" asked the Koopa composer. "More specifically, Mario Bros. Plumbing?"

"Well, a friend of mine called them up just earlier!" said the suspicious guy. "She claims she needs her bathtub fixed before her party tonight."

"Thank you, kind sir!" Ludwig turned to his babified dad. "All right, dad, let's prevent ze Marios from preventing us from preventing zeir past selves from going down ze drain!"

"Right! Kamek, you stay here and fix up the Doomship." Bowser assigned the Magikoopa. "And make sure no one captures Junior!"

"You mean, you're trusting me with a job for once today?" said Kamek.

"Yes, really!" said Bowser, as he and Ludwig started crawling off.

The suspicious man watched Bowser and Ludwig give chase after Mario, Luigi, Toad, and Toadette. "Such nice boys, those two lizards. Wait a minute... lizards don't speak English, and they don't wear diapers in their infancy. There's only one logical explanation - someone in Brooklyn has wished these diaper-clad reptiles into existence with his... _FAIRY GODPARENTS!_" And with that, he gave chase after Bowser and Ludwig, much to Kamek's confusion.

Those strange unidentifiable voices came again, this time singing about baby chases. And there was indeed a baby chase going on, as Mario, Luigi, Toad, and Toadette were being chased by Bowser and Ludwig, who were being followed by the suspicious man. They crawled past some unnamed citizens along the way, but none of them seemed to find anything strange about odd-looking babies being pursued by a tall thin man. Actually, they probably did, but thought it best not to say anything. Besides, how could they talk with that music drowning them out? The Mario group then got a street crossing light to work for them, much to the annoyance of the drivers, but the traffic cop didn't seem to mind. Next, they jumped through three girls playing jump rope, none of whom seemed to notice. Bowser and Ludwig stupidly tried to do the same, but only got tangled up. The Mario Bros. and the Toad Siblings then crawled into a junkyard and made off with a stroller, a wagon, and a skateboard, respectively. Far behind in the chase, Bowser and Ludwig tried to catch up in a makeshift wagon/stroller, with a sign reading "_Bad_ Babies on Board" tacked to the front. And unbeknownst to either of them, that suspicious man was hot on their tail! As the pursuit continued, the three Warner Siblings came running by, chased by Ralph the Guard. Eventually, Mario's group (and the song) came to a dead end in an alley.

"Oh goodie!" Bowser chuckled. "Now we've got those little squirts cornered! Ha ha!

But their efforts were in vain, because their cart came to a halt as Granny from Looney Tunes came out of a shop.

"Now's our chance," said Mario as he saw this. "Let's scoot!"

"Do not be feary. Dijon shall treeck the trap," said Toadette. "Ha! You see? Ohhhh... ees there a doctor in the pyramid?"

As Mario, Luigi, and Toad (with Toadette) scooted away, Granny looked at the Koopas' stroller. "Oh, I just love cute babies. Gitchy gitchy goo!" Then she pulled back the blanket and looked at the Koopas. "Oh, goodness! I thought no babies could be ugly!"

"HEY! Who ya callin' ugly, sister? I'm a dinosaur/turtle!" Bowser tries to slash at Granny, who screamed and jumped back. "And don't you dare call me a cross between a lizard and an inferior species of toad! You don't wanna know how angry I get when people get my species wrong!"

Granny ran off. "Heavens to Betsy, they're monsters! And bad ones, too!"

"Yeah!" said Tweety from inside his cage. "Bad ol' dino-turtles!"

Ludwig looked in the other direction. "Ohhhh, shit! The Super Mario Babies have made a clean getaway! Now what do we do?"

"It's time to stop kiddin' around! Let's get back to the Doomship, Kooky; Kamek's probably fixed it by now." Bowser started wheeling the cart back to the Doomship.

"Y'know," Ludwig criticized, "ve probably vould've caught up vit zem if you hadn't have wasted so much time taking zat sign and painting 'Bad' on it."

"Aw, shut up, Kooky!" Bowser bit back. "You may be the genius, but I'm still your dad, and what I say goes!"

0-0-0

Soon, inside the magically repaired Doomship, Kamek watched reluctantly as Ludwig reconfigured his Time Tube. "I think this might work, King Da-da!" said Ludwig.

Bowser took his thumb out of his mouth. "It better! My thumb is getting sore from all this sucking! Besides, we can't beat those Super Baby Bros. if this thing doesn't make us all growed up again."

"Now see, personally," Kamek pointed out, "I believe it would've been better if I used my magic to return you to your atomically correct ages."

"Shut up, Kamek!" said Bowser. "Mr. Goren won't let me take your ideas today, no matter how good they are!"

And with the flick of a switch, a ray emitted from the Time Tube, restoring Bowser and Ludwig to their correct ages and hatching Bowser Jr. out of his egg. Bowser sat there, still sucking his thumb for a while, before doing a double-take at his sons and servant. Embarrassed, he stood firmly, looking as poised as a talking reptile could look.

"It worked, King Dad!" Ludwig declared victoriously. "You're back to your abnormal self!"

"My abnormal self? Hmmm, that's a good one. I oughta say it next time I go through something like this. Write it down for me, _Ludwig_," said Bowser, calling his son by his real name.

Bowser Jr. shook himself. "What just happened? I feel like I've been covered in yolk for the last coupla minutes."

"You were, B.J.," said Ludwig, "you were."

"Sir, sir," Kamek alerted, "the computers indicate a human life form outside the ship, carrying what appears to be a DNA tracker."

"Really? Hang on for a second." Bowser headed for the door.

The unnamed suspicious man was standing outside the Doomship, holding a DNA tracker, demanding them to come out. "You diapered reptiles come out of there right now! I demand to know whose... _FAIRY GODPARENTS!_ brought you into existence!"

Bowser came out of the Doomship. "Yeah, what in the name of high school football do you want?"

Upon seeing this giant reptile in front of him, the suspcious man began to cower in fear. "Uh, nothing. I just want to know if you're a creation of... fairy godparents... and whose fairies made you."

"Now listen here, bub. I ain't no creation of no fairy godparents. I'm a crossbreed of a turtle and a Tyrannosaurus Rex, and I'm a very nasty one, too. But I'm also..." Bowser pulled up his tail to show the Official Nintendo Seal of Quality stamped on it. "...a registered trademark of Nintendo Company, Ltd." And with that, he kissed the seal on his tail.

"Well, I must be going now." The suspicious man started to back up. "See ya!"

"Not so fast, Mr. Unnamed Cast Member!" Bowser grabbed the unnamed cast member. "Since you've questioned me without the right to do so, I believe it's my right to incinerate you."

"What!"

"That's right! I'm also part dragon!" And with that, Bowser blew his flame breath on the suspicious man.

"Auuuuuuuuuggggghhhhh!" The now-charred suspicious man dashed off in the other direction. "I'm not cut out for this!"

Kamek patted his master's shoulder. "Nice work, sire."

"Yes, it was, wasn't it? Well, now that Mr. Extra-Guy-Who-Isn't-Bill-The-Extra-Guy is out of the way, now for the next part of my disgusting plan!" Bowser laughed evilly.

Kamek didn't understand the adjective. "What, may I ask, is so disgusting about time changing?"

"I said shut up, Kamek!" Bowser recommanded. "Stories like this never make sense when Rowby Goren's writing them."

"Well, how do you expect to get to this apartment and change the present without arousing suspicion?" Kamek obviously noted how strange they all looked.

"You'll conjure up a van for us to travel in!" Bowser ordered. "And give it a spicy name, too. Something like, 'Koopa & Kid Costumed Plumbers'. That's it, I like that! It's funny, 'cause it appeals to teenagers like Crash Bandicoot's advertising campaign."

"Uh, sire, although I'm glad you're finally relying on me today, I must nitpick this," said Kamek. "Won't this woman be expecting Mario Bros. Plumbing and not 'Koopa & Kid Costumed Plumbers'?"

"Just shut the hell up and produce that van!" insisted Bowser. "Hopefully, if this episode is really as illogical as it seems, that woman has an extremely low IQ."

0-0-0

In the meantime, Mario, Luigi, Toad, and Toadette were still scampering around Brooklyn. After quite a while of Toadette blabbing on about golden geese and someone called "Mr. Gloomgold" who would "be even gloomier when he finds out I've lost his Metal Mites," Luigi pointed to a building nearby. "Look!" he said. "There's the place we fell in the warp drain and went to the Mushroom Kingdom."

"Boy, Luigi," said Toad as they stopped in front of the door, "for something dat happened a long time ago, you sure got a good memory."

"Well, I'm a video game character," said Luigi, "and I can remember my career very clearly."

"The lady who lives here is a little dowdy," Mario reminded as he crawled up to the front door. "Let me do the talking."

"You really t'ink she's gonna believe a quartet of talkin' babies?" Toad asked. "How are we even talkin' normal English, anyway!"

"I think the Muppet Babies and the Rugrats have that down pat," Luigi remembered, "despite the latter group's continuous mispronunciations."

"Why must you doubt me here by asking questions about whether or not this lady's gonna listen, Toad?" said Mario. "Did you see or hear anyone seeing anything strange about us during that chase sequence! In fact, your sister is rather strange herself, considering she was just created so you'd have a partner in Mario Kart: Double Dash!, even though I've read complaints that there are plenty of characters fitting for that role! Anyway, just let me do the talking!"

Toad and Luigi rolled their eyes as Mario raised his arm to knock on the door. But it turned out the red-haired woman of the house had come to find out what was the ruckus outside, and Mario was thumping on her knee right now. Oddly, she looked a lot like an earlier guest star.

"Fi-fo-fum-fee, who's that knocking on my knee?" she said stupidly. "Oh, goodness gracious, someone's abandoned four babies on my doorstep."

"Oh no, no, ma'am," Mario explained, "we're not abandoned babies; we're plumbers. Actually, the half of us with the moustaches are. The other half is just our friends. Anyway, Luigi and I are the Mario Bros. Plumbing service. You called for us, remember?"

"Please, plumbing's too dangerous for babies." The woman picked them up and brought them inside to a cradle she happened to have lying around. "I'll put you down for a nice nap."

"We're _NOT_ babies!" Mario yelled. "We're the plumbers you called for! Well, actually, we're their counterparts from the future. Well, we're their counterparts from the future turned into babies. You see, this evil reptile we're at war with has come to this time to prevent the past versions of ourselves from ever coming to his place, and there was an incident with his time machine that wound up turning us into babies! Anyway, that's what we are - babified versions of the future counterparts of the plumbers you called earlier."

The lady of the house was obviously not processing Mario's speech into her empty skull. "Oh, but I insist that you take a nap! And if you have to go poop, the bathroom is over there."

"DAMN IT, LADY!" Mario screamed as his skin turned purple. "Why don't you get it that YOU'RE HEARING A TALKING BABY RIGHT NOW!"

"Yes, I admit I'm not exactly attractive," said the woman, "but I know darn well what you abandoned babies need."

"IS YOUR BRAIN TINIER THAN AN ANT, YOU MENTALLY CHALLENGED FREAK!" Mario hollered. "We're adults turned into babies! Why else would we be talking in English!"

"Uh, are you alright, bro?" Luigi asked his angry relative.

"Yeah, we never seen you like dis before - y'know, purple." Toad looked at Mario's skintone.

"Bah! I'm fine! But can you believe this lady's dangerously low IQ? You could take the stupidest thing you could find, multiply its stupidity by the number of 'Pokémon' episodes, and you'd wind up with this lady! BUH-ZARRG!" Mario roared.

"Calm down, bro!" Luigi restrained his brother from attacking the woman. "Just count to ten and think of the happiest things!"

So Mario thought of pasta and all sorts of Italian delicacies as well as how beautiful Princess Peach was until his skin returned to its normal color. "Ahhhhhh, that's better. But if you ask me, there are getting to be too many in-jokes here."

Just then, a big yellow van pulled up outside, and the woman looked out her window. "Wonderful, here come the _real_ plumbers. 'Koopa & Kid Costumed Plumbers'..."

"There it is, Merlock, there it is!" said Toadette. "You can drop me off anywhere along here. B-but not there! Not there! Ahhhh-Ow! That is going to leave a nasty mark!"

"Hey Luigi, is it just me," Toad inquired, "or does dis woman look rather familiar?"

Outside, Bowser and Ludwig, dressed like plumbers, got out of their van and walked towards the door.

"If they think we're in costumes like those Disneyland employees, King Dad," said Ludwig, "they'll never guess we're not from the Real World! I told you I'm a genius."

Bowser rolled his eyes, knocked on the door, and tipped his hat when the woman answered. "Costumed plumbers at your service, ma'am! We make plumbing a party! I'm, uh, Bowser Von Giovanni Dragmire Dedede Pokey Rool Koopa. And this is Ludwig Kooky Von Grunt Stalfo Waddle Dee Starmen Kritter Koopa."

The lady didn't understand those long pseudonyms. "Is this some kind of gag?"

"Actually, I'm a hybrid of turtle and dinosaur attempting world domination in another dimension by making a slight change in the flow of time." Bowser grinned.

"Ah! Well then, come on in." The lady obviously hadn't understood a thing that Bowser just said.

"You're right, Toad," Luigi said as the lady let the Koopas in, "she _does_ look like that Joliet person we helped in that Verona-like place."

From his point, Mario looked at the Koopas. "How'd Koopa and Kooky get back to their normal ages but we didn't?"

"Wait a minute!" Luigi realized. "The Koopas are pretending to be plumbers now! If they mess with that drain, we'll never get back to our grown-up selves and save the Mushroom Kingdom!"

"Dat didn't make any sense, Luigi!" said Toad. "I t'ought your past counterparts were gonna handle dat drain!"

"Well, they should've," said Mario, "but for some reason they don't seem to be anywhere. I'll bet Mr. Goren thinks that the current versions of Mario and I, the ones the watching millions see right now, have to become our past identities and do the job!"

"Geez, I hate time travel," muttered Toad.

"Follow me out this window, and we'll spy on them!" Mario jumped to the window. "I happen to know this lady's bathroom has a window and is right across from this room."

"Dat's gonna be difficult, considerin' what I've got on me," said Toad as Luigi jumped up.

"But I am not a popular favorite in that house." Toadette shuddered. "If Scrooge finds me, he'll kill me!"

The lady of the house led Bowser and Ludwig to her bathroom, complete with a clogged-up bathtub. Strangely, this bathroom didn't look anything like the one we could see Mario and Luigi working on in the intro for the Super Mario Bros. Super Show's animated segments. Outside, Mario, standing on Toad and Toadette, who were crouched on Luigi's back, spied on the conversation.

"Please fix my drain as quickly as possible, costumed plumbers," the lady requested. "I must bathe for my party tonight."

"Just leave it to us! We'll fix everything." Bowser pushed the lady out the door.

Outside, Mario faced downward. "We can't let Koopa get away with this! If we do, Nintendo Power will never be published!"

"But what can we do?" Toad called upward. "We can't walk upright like da Rugrats, and Toadette's still crazy!"

Toadette was now rubbing her nose. "Poor nosey!"

Luigi looked down through a window at a cellar. "Hey, I've got a way to cut Koopa down to size!"

"How?" Mario asked. "Lure him into being turned into a baby again?"

"Nope! Follow me!" Luigi jumped down, causing Mario, Toad, and Toadette to fall down behind him.

"Hey!" Toad rubbed his head. "Warn us when ya do dat!"

They climbed inside the cellar and looked at the house's pipes. "Hey aye, aye-a!" Luigi shook. "These pipes are more tangled than a bowl of cheap spaghetti!"

"Shouldn't _I_ be the one to say that?" Mario questioned.

"Here's the bathtub drainpipe." Luigi indicated it. "Let's open it up."

Mario tried to turn a monkey wrench on the pipe, but couldn't. "Come on, you half-pints! A baby's gotta do what a baby's gotta do! I couldn't resist saying that. I need some baby powder! I mean, power."

Luigi and Toad gave him a hand, but to no avail. "Now what do we do?" asked Toad.

"Well, I don't suppose we should hope that cute couple and their little blue friend will show up at the last minute to help. But I think I have another solution." Mario picked up a hose that happened to be lying there. "Let's sneak up behind them and back-flush 'em!"

"I take it you made that pun as the real word wasn't safe for kids, was it?" Luigi hummed.

Up in the bathroom, Bowser and Ludwig were stuffing things in the bathtub drain.

"Get some more stuff to plug this drain!" Bowser demanded as he stuffed a small rag into the drain.

Ludwig placed a handful of toiletries on top of the drain. "Ve'll make sure those shrimpy Mario babies never warp through zis pipe!"

"Uh, are we assuming that the present Marios need to do the duty of their past selves?" Bowser nitpicked.

"Don't ask me; you should've listened to Kamek!" Ludwig ran out of the bathroom, past the lady.

The woman cleared her throat and knocked on the door. "Um, how are you doing in there, costumed plumbers?"

"Awww, shut yer trap!" Bowser yelled from inside.

"Good gracious, how rude!" the woman complained. "I thought you made plumbing a party!"

Ludwig ran back in with a lamp and a wheel. "We do, lady; this is a fun game we call 'Stuff Your Furniture Down the Drain'!"

"Oh now, who'd want to do that?" The woman at least seemed to know that there was a plot hole there.

"Fun-loving plumbers, zat's who!" Ludwig replied as he reentered the bathroom.

And down in the cellar, the Marios and Toad (without any help from mind-numbed Toadette) had hooked the hose up to all the pipes. "OK, time to stop playing patty cake," joked Mario. "Turn on the water!"

"Hey, now we'll really put the pressure on those Phony Koopa Plumbers!" Luigi also joked.

"I gotta admit," said Toad as they turned on the H2O, "Rowby's writin' better puns dan he's writin' plots!"

The water traveled up to the bathtub, causing some problems with Bowser's badly-drawn drain stuffings.

"Kooky, help me!" Bowser whimpered. "It appears our clog is unclogging!"

"Oh, I'll help you, but please stop calling me Kooky!" Again, Ludwig was insulted.

"It doesn't matter, Kooky!" yelled Bowser. "Our plan's starting to crash and burn!"

But before Ludwig could bite back, a flood started in all the other pipes.

The woman let out a 'little girl scream'. "What are those costumed nincompoops doing to my house! I'd better get help!" She picked up the phone, but water came out and squirted her in the face. "I thought things like that only happened in cartoons," she said.

Ludwig headed outside and looked in the cellar window. There, he saw the Super Mario Babies and Toad sabotaging the scheme. "Ah, so that's our problem!" He went back inside. "King Dad, the Super Baby Bros. are sabotaging our scheme!"

"I told you to stop stating the obvious! But in this case..." Bowser ran out of the bathroom. "Hey lady, we need to use your cellar for a bit!"

"How will _that_ fix the problem?" she questioned.

Bowser Jr. suddenly stuck his head in the window. "Hey papa! Do I still have to stay in the car?"

"Princie, you get your ass back in that van!" Bowser yelled. "Kooky and I have a bit of babysitting to do right now."

Bowser and Ludwig walked into the cellar and found the babyshop quartet playing the pipes.

"Uh-oh," said Mario, "it's Vicky the Babysitter and her annoying little sister Tootie!"

"Well, what do we have here?" Bowser padded a wrench on his claw. "Some bratty Brooklyn bambinos!"

"Good morning, Scrooge sir," Toadette cooed. "At the urging of _my_ Genie, I have decided to seek my fortune."

"I don't care what's up with the girl mushroom, but you twerps are gonna do what I say or else!" Bowser had suddenly confused himself with the aforementioned red-haired villainess.

"Timmy! Vhy must you soak me vit vater balloons vhen I only want you to return my love?" Ludwig had also gotten himself confused with what Mario had called him.

"Quick! While they're diluted, crawl after me!" Mario crawled into a big pipe, followed by Luigi and Toad.

"Wait," Bowser snapped, "we're acting like the wrong red-haired villain, Kooky. Help me out here." He picks up the big pipe Mario and Luigi had crawled into.

Luigi stuck his head out one end. "Hey! What the hell you think you're doing?"

"Sealin' your fate, genius!" Bowser answered as he stuffed a big cork on Luigi's end.

Ludwig did the same to Mario's end and tossed them over to a bench near the window. "Excellent! Now the past Mario Bros. will never get to ze Mushroom Kingdom, and the present Mario Bros. won't be able to stop us in ze present!"

Bowser and Ludwig walked away laughing evilly, but there was one thing they hadn't counted on. Toad climbed out of the main pipe, which they hadn't pulled off, and looked at his sister. "Foolish toitles! Dey didn't stuff _me_ in dere!"

"That's right!" said Toadette. "I get the loot, you get the boot!"

"Shut up with dat amnesia crap and get on my back, sis!" Toad picked her up.

0-0-0

With Toadette slung on his back, Toad crawled as quickly as he could to the Doomship. Although Toad was a lousy jumper, he and Toadette jumped in though one of the windows. And this somehow changed them back to normal!

In the control room, Bowser happily took the steering wheel. "Well, it's turnin' out to be a red-letter day! With the Mario Bros. permanently trapped in Brooklyn, I can finally capture the Princess, enslave her people, lay waste to Dinosaur Land, pollute Isle Delfino, ruin all the good dreams of the Dream Depot, tax the Wario Bros. out of their money..."

"Okay, okay, we get ze picture!" said Ludwig. "And anyway, I guess my Time Tube has worked out great."

"Oh, I don't know," Kamek pondered. "I still say things would've made more sense if you had taken my ideas."

"Will you just be glad we've won for once, Kamek?" the annoyed Koopa King bit.

As they were arguing, the fully-grown Toad used his magical periscope to snatch the Time Tube and bring it over to him and the back-to-normal Toadette.

"I don't get it," Toadette said. "How did jumping into the Doomship restore us to our normal selves?"

"It musta been da beam of dis! Getting close to it must've toined us back to normal." Toad adjusted the Time Tube to the window and threw a REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEALY long rope outside that window. "If I can just focus da Time Tube beam on da basement window..."

"But what about that magical periscope of yours?" Toadette pointed to it. "How'd _it_ get here?"

"Beats me. Dis ship must have da same magical powers as dat basement in da last episode!"

Ludwig suddenly appeared in the doorway with Bowser Jr. "Hey, how did you two get here?"

"Well, rumor has it da stork brought us," joked Toad.

"Grab zem, Princie!" Ludwig commanded to his little brother.

Fortunately, Toad's aim as good as his speed, as the beam shot into Mrs. Boobles' cellar window, making the Mario Bros. grow to their full size.

"Hey, I'm a full-sized hunk again!" said Luigi when they broke out of the pipe they were trapped in. "What happened?"

"Beats me," said Mario, "but we gotta save Nintendo from never becoming the King of Video Game Producers!"

So, long story short, they rushed up to the bathroom and got rid of all the unnecessary things clogging up the warp pipe hidden in the drain. But they left in "the hairy clog that started it all" so that their past selves would be able to get sucked into the drain, thus restoring the timeline. Then, as the lady was greeting the 1985 Mario Bros., the present Marios grabbed onto that REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEALY long rope that Toad had tossed out the Doomship's window and followed the Koopas back to the future, er, present.

0-0-0

Bowser never noticed they were behind him, and he didn't notice that Darkland didn't look any different when he returned home. But even after Ludwig and Junior told him they had caught the Toad Siblings, he was in too good a mood to lose now. He got out the charter he had been saving for the occasion and marched on over to the Mushroom Kingdom, with Kamek, Ludwig and Junior, and the Toad Siblings too. There, he grabbed Princess Peach by the arm, even though she didn't really look threatened (actually, she took the sudden happening rather pleasantly), and said, "If you know what's good for ya, you'll sign over your kingdom now!"

"You'd better do vhat King Dad says, Princess," said Ludwig, as he and Bowser Jr. held the Toad Siblings down. "The Super Mario Bros. are stuck in ze past!"

"Uh, sire," Kamek wondered, "if this is the corrupted present, why doesn't it look any different from the not-corrupted present?"

"Not now, Kamek!" Bowser yelled at him. "Can't you see I'm about to get myself a new addition to my list of conquered kingdoms?"

"Don't count on it, Koopas!" Mario's voice was heard.

"WHAT THE HELL!" said all the Koopas at once.

Mario and Luigi came leaping out of a nearby warp pipe. And they had Raccoon Power! "We unclogged the past!" said Luigi.

"And now we're gonna clog _you_ out of the Mushroom Kingdom, ya big hairball!" Mario shouted at Bowser.

"Hairball?" The Koopa King was insulted. "Blimey! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition! Kooky, Princie, attack along with me!"

"Hang on a sec!" said Mario just as the Koopas jumped at them.

Mario and Luigi both pulled cartons of milk from behind them, and then guzzled the milk down. The Popeye Theme played as their muscles grew larger and they beat the crap out of Bowser, Ludwig, and Bowser Jr.

Finally, after getting beat up so much he had little Koopa Shells running circles around his head, Bowser stumbled on over like a drunk monkey to Kamek. "Drats, this is even worse than the first time the Mario Bros. got here! Get us out of here, Kamek!"

"As you wish, your not-one-for-good-ideas majesty." Kamek produced a warp pipe with his wand, and Bowser climbed as best he could into it, taking Kamek with him. Then Mario and Luigi used their Raccoon Tails to bat Ludwig and Junior into the pipe.

"Good going guys," said Peach. "That'll teach Koopa not to mess with history!"

"Or with us!" Mario added.

"Yeah - it might become the plot for a _very_ crappy educational game! Heh heh!" Luigi joked about the irony there.

"Our pants are of silk / And we drink up our milk / We're the Mario Brother-men!" Mario sang, and then tooted twice.

* * *

Phew! I've finished the parody of my least favorite episode on the DVD. I was going to give a little comment here, but I think I'll save it for the next episode. Sorry for no real special guests, but those of you who expected Kim, Ron & Rufus in the last chapter will be pleasantly surprised with "Reign Storm". Also, I'm very glad Nintendo finally brought the Koopalings back so they could be in _Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga_.


	5. Reign Storm

**Author's Note:** I'm sorry for making you guys wait so long for this chapter. While I had difficulty spoofing "Toddler Terrors of Time Travel" due to the bad writing, its original companion episode took even longer, even though this was less dumb. Maybe that's because I was busy putting effort into _My Fair Brenda_. Anyway, now you can finally see this episode's spoof, and find out the confession I promised at the end of the last chapter!

* * *

**"Reign Storm"**

This particular turn of events in the Mushroom World actually began one sunny day in Grassland when something encouraged Toad to rush into his house. Nearby, Princess Peach (who wasn't wearing her crown) was walking towards some pipe, accompanied by the Mario Bros. and an odd-looking Mushroom Doctor, who of course didn't have a name, spoke no lines, and would just be forgotten afterwards.

"Plumber's Log, number 47-88," Mario narrated, without moving his lips. "Princess Toadstool, stressed under the pressures of ruling and being kidnapped so often, had been told it was high-time for a vacation."

"Hey Mario, I thought you'd stopped doing that!" Luigi pointed out.

"Old habits die hard, Luigi!" Mario spoke.

"And anyway, how're you doing that without moving your lips?" Luigi inquired.

"I've got bad animation on my side. Anyway, as I was a-sayin'..." Mario continued his narration. "Because her dad was to inept to run a kingdom, she was quite reluctant about taking a trip, as she feared the Kingdom would fall apart."

"I don't remember her saying that!" said Luigi.

"Well, she sur-- Oops, forgot to switch out of narration." Mario started moving his lips again. "Well, she sure feels like it."

"I really shouldn't go to the Real World, Mario." Peach said. "I have a kingdom to run. And you know how dense my daddy is."

"Nuh-uh! Doctor's orders, Princess," insisted Mario. "You're overworked, overtime, and overdue for a vacation! Besides, Luigi and I can run the Kingdom while you're gone."

"You can?"

"Sure. I've had a lot of occupations..." Mario listed them all on his fingers. "Plumber, carpenter, villain, boxing referee, golfer, racer, tennis player and referee, party manager, baseball player, chef, doctor, ice skater, repairman, Ostro-tamer, gladiator, babysitter, pirate, mobster, imitation Zorro, inventor, wrestler, robot, typing tutor, giant ninja, pilot, vampire slayer, kidnappee, mascot, emperor of Japan, pop culture icon... Being a temporary ruler should be a breeze!"

As Peach jumped up onto the pipe that would transport her to "the Real World," Toad suddenly came running up in scuba gear, shouting gibberish about hitting the waves.

"Toad!" Peach let out. "We're only going to be staying in Hawaii for a few days."

"We're goin' to Hawaii?" Toad threw off his mouse-ears. "I thought we were goin' to Disneyland! I wanted to meet Kim Possible!"

"Don't be silly, Toadie," said the unnamed Mushroom doctor. "Disney doesn't make walk-around costumes of their Television Animation characters anymore! But why they won't do it is quite puzzling. It's almost as if they're trying to disavow any knowledge of that department's existence."

Luigi stuffed a lupine into the doctor's mouth. "Shut up, you! You're not supposed to talk!"

As Mario tossed Toad up, Peach considered, "Y'know, maybe I shouldn't really go at all..."

"Aw, ptooies! You're a-goin' even if I have to declare an all-out Super Smash Bros. Melee war on you!" Mario insisted again. "I can't believe you can't trust Luigi and I! We've saved you like a dozen times!"

"Hmph! Speak for yourself." Luigi looked quite angry. "I didn't get to go on any new adventures with you between Super Mario World and Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga!"

"Well, promise you'll call me if you have any trouble." Peach jumped down the pipe, taking Toad with her.

"'Trouble', she says! Ha!" Mario held his suspenders like coat lapels again. "We're the Super Mario Bros.! The mascots of Nintendo! There's no way we could have trouble! How hard can a simple task like running a kingdom be?"

"...Said the man who recently had himself replicated at Hollywood's Wax Museum." Luigi looked quite angry again. "Mario, you really think the ruler-man can handle a responsibility like this?"

"Oh, the ruler-man can, Weege." Mario snapped his fingers and was suddenly wearing a sash that reads "Temporary Ruler". "The ruler-man can."

And with another snap of his fingers, Mario was suddenly atop a Mushroom Kingdom parade float (like in Super Mario RPG and Paper Mario), singing to the tune of "The Candyman". But not far away, Bowser, Ludwig, and Bowser Jr. stood from behind some large blocks as they spied on the musical number unfolding in front of them.

"Yes, sing all ya want, ya little pipesqueak!" Bowser gloated. "Running a kingdom can be _very_ hard, especially when you have a lot of enemies! Heh heh heh! While the Princess is away, the Koopas will play, and destroy, and ruin! Hmm. That's not a bad one-liner, either. Sometimes I crack myself up."

"Uh, papa, I don't think that's a very good plan," Bowser Jr. nitpicked. "For one thing, these Mario Bros. always seem to defeat you, and therefore they're bound to beat you now!"

"Hey! Are you suggesting I won't be able to get away with the problems I'll cause for the Marios while they're running the Kingdom?" Bowser snorted.

"Well, that, and also in your presidential campaign against Mario." Bowser Jr. rolled his eyes in the other direction.

"Princie, that's just an advertising gimmick for Mario Party 5!" Bowser corrected. "Mario and I aren't really running for President!"

"You aren't?"

"Of course not! Who ever heard of turtle/dinosaurs running for President of the United States?" Bowser crossed his arms. "Besides, Kootie Pie still thinks it's my fault her imaginary enemies ruined her takeover."

"Takeover? Takeover, take over..." Ludwig Von Koopa snapped his fingers. "Zat's it! King Dad, BJ, are you pondering vhat I'm pondering?"

"I think so, Kooky," Bowser Jr. admitted, "but Wild Thornberry juice makes me vomit."

"Quiet, Princie! Your big brother's just had a brainstorm!" Bowser leaned on the block in front of him, only to have it break apart, causing him to collapse. "D'oh!" he grunted, before picking himself up and looking at the tag on a piece of the block. "'Property of Cheapo Props, Ltd.' Oh, that's it, Cheapo! You just made the list!" Bowser pulled a very long list from out of nowhere and, with his favorite pen, added a little something to it. It read:

_KING KOOPA__'S REVENGE LIST  
Mario  
Lu... Loogy... that green guy  
The Yoshies  
The Nester Awards  
Higher For Hire  
Rowby Goren  
Herlock Somes  
Billy Crystal  
The Powerpuff Girls  
That guy with the fairy obsession  
Kootie Pie  
The Ninja Turtles  
PC World Magazine  
Those two meddling kids with the blue guy  
The ghost of Lord Farquaad  
The time travel plot  
Cheapo Props, Ltd._

"Anyway, Kooky, what's this idea of yours?" Bowser asked once he put his list away. "I trust that it's disgusting, and yet devious at the same time! Because I like disgusting and devious." He turned to Bowser Jr. "Don't you?" He turned back to Ludwig. "It _is_ disgusting and devious, right?"

"Even worse! Er, better. Depends on your point of view," Ludwig explained. "I'll build a Robot Princess to take over the Kingdom while the real Princess is gone!"

"But what if Mama Peach herself returns while the robot takes over the Kingdom?" Bowser Jr. nitpicked.

"A perfect idea, Kooky m'boy!" said Bowser, ignoring his clone. "I'm so glad I thought of it! Now get going on the royal XJ-9!"

"Ho boy," said Ludwig as he left the scene, "I thought only Chuck Jones could do zat..."

"I still think my nitpicking makes sense..." Bowser Jr. rambled.

"C'mon, Princie!" Bowser interrupted. "We got some damn good reputations to wreck!"

0-0-0

Sometime later, on an unidentified (by the writers) island in the state of Hawaii, Princess Peach and her loyal companion who seemed to get a kick out of being pulled out of nowhere during melees were at a badly-drawn beach watching the waves come crashing by. Peach herself was wearing a single-piece bikini and tennis shoes, with sunglasses to match. Toad, on the other hand, had on his own swimming trunks (he picked them himself 'cause every time someone else picked out his swim wear it'd be too uncomfortable for him).

"Kick back, Princess!" Toad suggested. "Catch some Z's and UV's! We're in paradise! Dis place is like Noki Bay or Peach Beach or whatever dat place is called, but without dose irritatin' Cataquacks."

"Catch some Z's and UV's?" Behind her sunglasses, Peach looked confused. "Look, Toad, I don't know what UV's are, and I can't stop worrying about my kingdom. What if Daddy pardons all the criminals in the city jail?"

"Don't be silly, Peach! Mario and Luigi can handle it! Besides, your papa's not even in dis episode! He's not in _any_ episode, actually! Now last one in's a rotten Koopa!" _ Toad headed off into the_ waves.

"Whatever happened to 'Last one in is a rotten _fungus_'?" Peach wondered.

Toad paddled against the waves. "Come on, Princess, this is awesome!"

"Well, even if the doctor wasn't supposed to have any lines, he _ did_ say I needed to relax..." So Peach threw off her shades and took to the wades. Uh, waves.

They were making good time when Toad stupidly decided to make a fool of himself again. In his badly-executed attempt at hanging ten, he fell off his surfboard and also knocked Peach off hers. Fittingly, Toad landed in some well-placed seaweed on the bay. When he picked himself up, he saw Kool-Aid Man standing nearby, with a scowl on his... face. He had some advertising agents with him.

"Scorch must be around here somewhere!" Kool-Aid Man deduced. "I bet that hot-tempered troublemaker is the cause of that incident there!"

"Uh, no sir, Mr. Kool-Aid Man," one of his agents confirmed. "We looked all over the beach, and we didn't see a sign of your archenemy anywhere."

"Aw, screw it then." Kool-Aid Man walked over to Toad and said, "Hey, I had nothin' to do with it, but to make up for your untimely tumble, here's some of my Surfin' Berry Punch! OH, YEAH!"

"Gee, t'anks, Kool-Aid Man! Wait a minute..." Toad realized. "Surfin' Berry Punch-flavored Kool-Aid doesn't exist no more!"

"You're absolutely right! C'mon boys, we gotta retreat!" Kool-Aid Man and Company ran off faster than he could say "OH, YEAH!" again.

Toad was still trying to figure out the giant pitcher's involvement in this episode as he soon discovered that Kool-Aid Man wasn't the only one who happened to be nearby. A stereotypical blonde male surfer with sunglasses who happened to be there was helping Peach up, although she probably could've been able to pick herself up easily.

"You okay, dudette?" asked the surfer stereotype. "That was a totally gnarly spin!"

"Well, I think I'm OK." Peach dusted herself off.

"My name's Kutter," the stereotype introduced himself. "My parents just happened to like the name 'Kutter'. They figured that 'Scissors' sounded too feminine and gay. Well, whether or not you care what my name is, you could use some lessons."

"Heeeey!" Peach looked insulted. "What are you insinuating? That I suck at surfing? I could surf circles around any of your buddies! My retainer there just screwed me up!"

"Y'mean that little kid in the Fun-and-Sun hat you're babysitting?" said Kutter. "I could understand that part, but you didn't have to shout! Don't go all bad on me!"

"I'm not bad..." Peach replied. "I'm just drawn that way."

"Really? So am I."

"Uh... Peach?" Toad interrupted the conversation. "I t'ink dis guy is hittin' on ya. Dat's bad news!"

"What do you mean?" Peach asked.

"Well, most of dis franchise's fans prefer dat you be paired up wit' Mario," explained Toad. "Dey won't like it if you develop a relationship wit' another guy. Especially one in a world you're just vacationing in!"

"WHO CARES!" the Princess yelled. "He's a one-shot! He'll just be forgotten after this episode!"

"Oh yeah..." Toad shook his feet.

"Come on, babe!" Kutter called. "The waves are wastin'!"

"And he thinks _ I_ look weird! Hmmmm... dat's da foist time dis show has ever addressed da fact dat its guest stars are badly drawn," Toad said to the TV cameras behind him. "Well, maybe he'll take her mind offa her stupid worries dat da Kingdom'll fall apart."

0-0-0

Back in the Mushroom Kingdom, the Mario Bros. were presenting a newly-built dam to the citizens of Toadtown. Yoshi stood nearby, blowing a trumpet fanfare, as Peach's butler, Toadsworth, announced, "Announcing your temporary rulers for the time being... Master Mario... and Master Green Man... uh, I mean, Master Luigi!"

"Thank you, thank you!" Mario addressed the applause. "As your temporary rulers..."

"We're proud to dedicate this new dam!" Luigi declared.

"Oh, dammit!" Mario shouted. "This is _my_ speech, Luigi!"

"But you always get to make the company speeches, Mario!" whined Luigi. "_I_ wanna make a speech for once!"

"OK, Mr. Lean-and-Green," Mario shoved his finger on Luigi, "_you_ tell them the village'll never be flooded again!"

"Oooguck! Flood!" Yoshi shivered. "Flood mean water. And I scared of water!"

"Really? I thought that only applied to your species' Isle Delfino branch. And please, Yoshi, don't talk like a baby!" Toadsworth pointed his staff.

"But Yoshi _is_ a baby!" Yoshi cowered.

"No you're not; that was a stupid screw-up courtesy of the DiC producers!" Toadsworth complained. "I swear, they're worse than 4Kids! And if you ask me, 4Kids isn't really that bad."

"Ohhh. Sorry." Yoshi apologized in normal English.

"OK, folks, long story short, your village is never gonna be flooded again. And to celebrate this momentous occasion..." Luigi sighed in reluctance. "My brother will perform this classic wartime song."

"Thank you, Luigi. Ahem..." Mario chomped on a carrot as he began his song.

"The tall man with the high hat and the whiskers on his chin  
Will soon be knocking at your door, and you oughta be in.  
The tall man with the high hat will be coming down your way;  
Get your savings out when you hear him shout 'Any bonds today?'"

At this point, he started prancing about like an idiot, tossing bonds out of his hat and shouting, "C'mon and get 'em, folks! C'mon! Step right up and get 'em!" Then he continued singing.

"Any bonds today?  
Bonds of freedom,  
That's what I'm selling.  
Any bonds today?  
Scrape up the most you can,  
Here comes the freedom man,  
Askin' you to buy a share of freedom today!"

As Mario was singing, down in the barricaded water, Bowser and Bowser Jr. were swimming up to the dam. They were both wearing goggles and air containers, as well as snorkels tat somehow allowed them to talk underwater. And without moving their lips too! Bowser was carrying a Bob-Omb, looking quite silly.

"Do you honestly need those silly goggles, papa?" Bowser Jr. stated the obvious. "Mario and Luigi can see and breathe underwater, and anyway, you look like a deep-sea doofus."

"You've been hanging out with the other Tomato Sauce Vampires' lackeys, haven't ya, Princie?" said Bowser.

"Well, could you remind me what we're doing here? I don't see what this has to do with that robot Kooky's building."

"I figure that blowin' up this dam will make those plumbers _really_ popular!" Bowser giggled a rather silly-sounding laugh.

"That wasn't a natural laugh, papa," said Bowser Jr. "And anyway, what makes you so sure the Toads are gonna blame Mario and Luigi for this incident? They've been saving this Kingdom from you for years, so therefore the Toads will be positive _you_ caused this! Besides, we're underwater, and therefore, that Bob-Omb won't work!"

"Hey, if a sponge with a personality the opposite of his own species and a starfish with the IQ of a golf bag can light a fire underwater, so can I!" Completely defying the laws of underwater physics, Bowser placed the lit Bob-Omb on the dam.

As it prepared to explode, the Koopas swam away, and up above, Mario continued singing, this time doing a blackface impression.

"Any stamps today?  
We'll be blest  
If we all invest  
In the U.S.A.  
Saaammmy... m-my uncle Sammy..."  
"Here comes the freedom man!" Yoshi sang.  
"Eh, can't make tomorrow's plan..." Luigi joined in.  
All three of them sang at once. "Not unless you buy a share of freedom today!  
Any stamps, any bonds too-daaaaaaaaaaaay?"

But then, the Bob-Omb exploded, and the dam started coming apart. Everyone ran for their lives, hoping not to be killed by the water that was about to break out.

0-0-0-

But before the effects of the flood could be seen, the scene changed. Outside Toad's House (it couldn't have been the Marios' House; theirs isn't a giant mushroom), a mailman with no dialogue (and who would later be replaced by Parakarry) was delivering a lot of complaint letters. Close by, a whole mob of various Mushroomites were banging on the door and holding up picket signs, all protesting that Peach come back, even though the guys they were protesting were the same guys who had saved their lives zillions of times. Obviously, it hadn't entered into them that their longtime enemy was causing these problems. How could they be such idiots?

Two of them, however, were too busy dueling with lightsabres to pay any attention. "I say Mario is Missing sucked more!" yelled one of them.

"I say Mario's Time Machine sucked more!" yelled his opponent.

"Frank, your sign's supposed to say 'Bring Back the Princess!'" a female protestor corrected.

Frank looked at his sign, which read "Screw the 65 Episodes Law". "Oh, sorry 'bout that." He erased it and rewrote the sign. "There we-- D'oh!" he grunted when he realized he had written the same thing again.

Inside, Mario and Luigi were reading letters, while Toadsworth and Toadette (Toad's sister) looked on.

"Geez, look at all these complaint letters!" Mario griped. "The stairway to Skyland keeps flying off and dropping people in the garbage dump?"

"The new Mushroom Shopping Mall is haunted with Boo Diddlies?" Luigi read.

"Aren't they called Boo _Buddies_ now?" asked the politically-correct Toadsworth.

"Shut up!" yelled Luigi.

Mario continued reading the complaints. "The Grassland Greenhouse General Store's infested with Petey Piranha and his gang? Chairs are asking people to play Scrabble!"

Luigi groaned. "There's more complaints in the Mushroom Kingdom than we can handle, Mario."

"But we've always been able to handle problems like these before!" Mario nitpicked. "And the worst part is, those stupid Mushroomlanders actually believe all this crap is _our_ fault! Is that any way to treat us after how many times we've saved this kingdom from the brink of disaster?"

"Master Marios," Toadsworth suggested, "it is my firm belief that somebody is causing these problems in order to ruin your reputations."

"That makes sense, especially since Rowby Goren's not writing _ this_ episode!" said Luigi.

"I'll bet those troublemakers Wario & Waluigi are behind all this!" Mario pounded his fist.

"The Wario Bros.?" Toadsworth asked. "How can you be so sure of that?"

"It _has_ to be Wario & Waluigi!" persisted Mario. "Who else would try to spoil our images?"

"Well, how many other rivals have we got?" Luigi asked.

Mario started counting on his fingers. "Well, there's Bowser and his kids, Foreman Spike, Wart, Tatanga, Stanley the Talking Fish, Anthony Scapelli, the Smithy Gang, Popple the Thief..."

"...the late Cackletta & Fawful..." Toadsworth added.

"...Lara Croft, the Ice Capades, alt.tv.simpsons, the guy running PythoNET, 20th Century Fox, the Dixie Chicks... Oh, this is all very confusing! Hmmm... perhaps I'll wet my whistle..." Mario picked up a nearby beverage, believing it to be Pepsi Cola, and guzzled it down. But what he didn't know was that he wasn't drinking Pepsi right now - he was drinking alcohol! Almost immediately after setting the glass down, his right eye bulged and his skin flashed various colors right before he turned into a steam whistle shrieking endlessly, causing anything in the room made of glass to break, including Luigi's glass of Pepsi, spilling soda all over his overalls. During this, Toadette ran and hid in her brother's room. Finally, Mario landed right back in his chair and said, "Thanks, I needed that," before plopping his head down on the table.

Luigi looked at the stains on his pants. "Son of a bitch..."

"Master Marios, since you'll need to stop whoever's causing these problems, why don't you ask the Princess to come home?" suggested Toadsworth.

Mario picked his head off the table. "We can't do that, Toadsworth! Peach needs her rest; you heard what the doctor said!"

"I thought he wasn't supposed to have any lines!" Luigi pointed out.

"Besides," Mario ignored his brother, "you know how stereotypical DiC thinks she is."

"I wouldn't know," said Toadsworth. "I'm not supposed to be on this show."

"Oh, just face it, Mario!" Luigi agreed with the servant. "We're plumber-heroes, not princesses. Oop! Princes!"

"All right, all right! I'll write her a warpogram message to get back here pronto!" Mario got out a piece of paper. "Then we'll stop those no-good Warios!"

"Here," Luigi handed a letter to his brother. "I already wrote it."

"Wait a second, Master Luigi," Toadsworth interrupted. "_I_ wrote that warpo--"

Luigi took off his left glove and slapped Toadsworth in the face with it. "Oh, shut up! I wanna take credit for something!"

"Uh, thank you. I'll go deliver it; I can handle a mob like this." Mario was about to exit the house, when suddenly...

"Luigi! Look! I found an unused Chia Pet in Toad's room!" Toadette ran in, carrying the box it was in. "Remember the commercial jingle? _ 'Chia-Chia-Chia!'_"

"'Chia-Chia-Chia'?" Luigi looked at her. "That's not how it went. It was 'Ch-Chia-Ch-Chia!'"

"No it wasn't."

"Now wait a second - I thought it was 'Chia-Ch Ch-Ch Chia!'" Toadsworth butted in. "You're _both_ wrong!"

"Have you guys gone out of your mind?" yelled Toadette. "'Chia-Chia-Chia!' _ That's_ how the commercial went! How could you not know that!"

"I think you've been using that Golden Mushroom one too many times, Toadette," Luigi reprimanded. "It wasn't 'Chia-Chia-Chia', and _definitely_ not 'Chia-Ch Ch-Ch Chia'. It was 'Ch-Chia-Ch-Chia', plain and simple."

"CHIA-CHIA-CHIA!" Toadette yelled.

"CHIA-CH CH-CH CHIA!" Toadsworth yelled back.

Mario turned around and screamed, "YOU IDIOTS! IT WAS _'CH-CH-CH-CHIA!'_ HOW _STUPID_ CAN YOU BE?"

"Sorry," the three arguers apologized.

Mario exited the house and walked among the crowd of angry Mushroomites as he made his way to the mail-pipe. "Shut the hell up, you bitches! I've saved your lives Mr. Miyamoto knows how many times; you shouldn't be pinning this mess on me! Now if you'll excuse me, I must tell the Princess to get her stereotype balls back in this kingdom." But just as he was about to drop the warpogram down the pipe...

"Here comes the Thnikkaman!" the Unseen Singers belted out.

"Whoa! It's the Thnikkaman!" Dropping the warpogram down the pipe, Mario followed the Toads to meet Bubs, who was walking around wearing sunglasses and a "TH" label taped to his chest.

"Hey, Thnikkaman!" Mario called, along with the Toads.

"Hey kids!" said Bubs.

"Can we have some?" asked Mario and the Toads.

"Yeah, okay," Bubs replied.

"Thanks, Thnikkaman!" said Mario and the Toads.

Bubs took off his sunglasses. "Yeah - shut up, kids!"

As he walked off, his Unseen Singers could be heard saying, "There goes the Thnikkaman!"

"Oh boy," Mario rubbed his hands with glee, "Luigi and Toadette are gonna be so jealous when they find out I met the Thnikkaman!"

But what Mario didn't realize was that the warpogram message had been eaten by a Nipper Plant hiding in the pipe. Afterwards, it hopped out and over to Bowser and Bowser Jr., who were hiding in the bushes nearby.

"Warpogram message to Princess Toadstool intercepted as ordered, your royal rottenness!" the Nipper Plant Extra belched.

Bowser put a hand on the Nipper Plant's head. "Ehh-xcellent. But next time, say 'excuse me' when you burp! Now then... Princie, hand me the communicator wand."

Bowser Jr. was reading a Nickelodeon Magazine Special. "Hey papa, you're right about these pornographic magazines! This one featuring nude photos of human Nicktoon females is great! How'd you ever swindle Nickelodeon into making this for you?"

"Put that magazine down, Princie! Things like porn magazines are only meant for adults such as myself!" Bowser snatched the copy of "Nicktoon Girls Gone Wild!" from his clone's grasp.

"But papa! Cindy Vortex and Helga Pataki look so damn sexy and s-s-s-s-sweet without clothes on!" Bowser Jr. drooled.

"Don't you 'but papa' me!" the Koopa King scolded. "What if young impressionable children see you doing this?"

"But I thought we were bad guys, and therefore negative role models!"

"Negative influence or not, pornographic magazines are not for children, and they're not the kind of evils I want my kids indulging in. Now just hand me the communicator wand! I need to check up with your big brother."

"Here." Bowser Jr. did so. "But I still say this Robo-Princess plan's a flop."

Bowser called up Ludwig. "My plan's working like a charm! When is the Robot Princess gonna be ready?"

Ludwig was in his secret laboratory, working on his so-called "Dynamic Robot Princess Toadstool". Despite its full name, "RoboPeach" wasn't really dynamic, and because it looked barely anything like a human such as Princess Peach, any idiot could tell it was really a robot.

"Hold your Goombas, King Dad!" Ludwig responded. "It's wrong to rush genius! Maybe not illegal-wrong, but plain wrong, definitely."

"I need the Robot Princess _now_, Kooky!" Bowser shouted into the phone. "Finish it up or I'm sending you to your room and cutting your allowance!"

"Uh, how long vill you be cutting it?"

"Let's just say until Disney releases all of their animated TV shows on DVD, which won't happen for a very, _very_ long time, by the way!" Bowser sneered.

"Oh, crud! Curse that Michael Eisner! Vhy can't he get the company to release TV shows on DVD like normal companies?" Ludwig quickly finished up RoboPeach. "Hmph. Here you go, King Dad. No one in the Mushroom Kingdom will even suspect the real Princess is still in the Real World!" He attempted to laugh maniacally.

Bowser Jr. nabbed the communicator wand. "No one! Ludwig, you mean _every_one! That robot doesn't look at all like Mama Peach! I mean, you can see the nuts and bolts on it!"

"Quiet, Princie!" yelled Bowser as he took the wand back and turned it off. "You shouldn't doubt your big brother Kooky's genius! The Robot Princess is sure to fool those stupid Mushroomites!"

"Really? Well then, if it works, I guess 'stupid' is the right word," mumbled Bowser Jr.

0-0-0

While Ludwig was bringing out RoboPeach, in Hawaii, the real Princess Peach was having all sorts of fun with her new friend Kutter. They were diving by waterfalls, wind-surfing, water-skiing, surfing, paragliding... basically, every recreational activity there is to do in Hawaii. All the while, an off-key version of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper was blasting from out of nowhere.

"Great, huh?" Kutter asked in midair, somehow not having to shout. "You can really get away from it all up here!"

Peach sighed. "I'm not sure I ever want to go home..."

Down below, Toad watched and listened with his magic periscope. "Aw, geez! One-shot or not, da Mario/Peach supporters are gonna be furious!"

0-0-0

But Peach would soon have a good reason to go home. Back at the ranch, the angry Mushroomites had mysteriously vanished (perhaps due to running off to meet the Thnikkaman). Not far away, Ludwig was activating RoboPeach. Right behind him, Bowser watched in anticipation as Bowser Jr. continued to complain about how unimpressive the robot was. "Kooky" ignored his little brother's nitpicking and sent the robot into action anyway.

"Mario! Luigi! I'm b-b-b-b-b-back." RoboPeach spoke in a robotic voice so monotone that anyone with ears could tell this wasn't really Peach.

Mario came running out of Toad's House with Luigi. "Haha, not a moment too soon! This mob was about to lynch us for all sorts of shit that Wario & Waluigi are getting us blamed for!"

"Uh, ignore Mario there," Luigi addressed his brother's cursing. "He firmly believes the Warios caused all the problems we had."

"Hey Peach!" Out came Toadette, carrying a fully-grown Chia Pet. "Look at the Chia Pet Luigi and I grew!"

"I thought those things took two weeks to grow," said a puzzled Mario.

"We gave it some extra fertilizer." Toadette looked around. "Say, where's my brother?"

"He's having such a g-g-g-g-g-great time I let him stay another w-week," RoboPeach stuttered.

"Well, it's a good thing _you_ got back." Mario didn't seem to notice anything odd in the Princess' speech pattern. "Everybody in the Kingdom can't wait for you to rule them again!"

"Yes, and I can't wait to start r-r-r-r-r-ruling!" RoboPeach cackled madly.

"Uh, Peach? Are you sure you're fine?" Toadette seemed to be the only one who noticed anything different.

"Oh, yes. I am most certainly O-O-OK," lied RoboPeach. "Why d-d-d-d-d-do you ask?"

"Well, for one thing," Toadette pointed out the obvious, "your voice doesn't sound like it naturally does."

"Oh, it's an effect of drinking t-t-t-t-t-too much seawater," RoboPeach fibbed.

"And why doesn't your dress feel like its natural fibers?"

"That's just my m-metal suit. I made it to protect myself from p-p-p-p-perverts."

"Those aren't your normal earrings, and don't you use pink lipstick?"

"These sp-sp-spindle earrings and black l-lipstick are Hawaiian souvenirs."

"Since when do you have large eyebrows?"

"These n-n-n-novelty eyebrows are also a souvenir!"

"What's with these strange lines on your arms?"

"Trans-p-parent bracelets!"

"Why have your eyes turned black?"

"C-C-C-C-Contact lenses-es-es!"

"Toadette, will you stop pestering Peach?" reprimanded Mario. "If you wanted souvenirs so badly, you should've gone on the trip with her! Maybe Toad will share his when he gets back..."

"But Mario, don't you see? That's not Peach!" Toadette pointed at the imposter.

"Don't be ridiculous. If this wasn't the Princess, I'd know. Watch." Mario turned to the thinly-disguised robot. "Peach, who gave you that Samus doll for your birthday?"

"T-Toadsworth." The robot Princess answered wrongly.

"There, see?" said Mario. "Straight from the dame's mouth."

Luigi suddenly realized something. "Wait, didn't _I_ give her--"

"If Princess Peach says she's Princess Peach," Mario ignored his brother, "then she's Princess Peach."

"But then why'd she get your question wrong?" Toadette nitpicked.

"Look," Mario ignored Toad's sister as well, "the important thing is, she's back and we can bring the Wario Bros. to justice for all those crimes they're framing us for!"

Mario and Luigi followed RoboPeach back to the castle, with a suspicious Toadette behind. Bowser and his two most trusted kiddies watched from the bushes.

"Those dumb plumbers fell for our phony robot! It won't be long now, and the Mushroom Kingdom will be mine!" Bowser laughed maniacally.

"But papa," said Bowser Jr. as they began walked toward the pipe to Hawaii, "aside from the weird structure of that last line, I still say this isn't a good idea. The Mario Bros. may be dumb enough to fall for that robot, but the mushroom girl clearly sees right through it. If she knows that's really a robot, then we're in big trouble!"

"Oh, shut yer trap, Princie!" Bowser still wouldn't listen to him. "The Robo-Princess will get this Kingdom in my grasp!"

"But suppose all the other Mushrooms are as smart as that girl? Maybe you shouldn't have made Kooky do such a cookie-cutter job, dad."

"Oh, you're just jealous 'cause you're not named after a famous composer." Bowser turned to his older son. "Now then, Kooky, while our Robot Princess lets me take over the Mushroom Kingdom..."

"My job is to keep the real Princess Toadstool in real Hawaii!" Ludwig answered. "It's as simple as pie, bossy dad!"

"You mean the food, or the equation?" Bowser Jr. was curious about that expression.

"Uh, yeah, that's right," Bowser confirmed. "But how'd you know?"

"I looked over your script while Toadette was inquiring the Robot Princess!" Ludwig explained.

"Well, I should punish you for that, but since you know darn well what you gotta do... here's your Hawaiian disguise!" Bowser put a lei on Ludwig. "Now you can blend in with all the other tourists! Aloha, Kooky!"

"Aloha, pop!" Ludwig jumped down the pipe.

"_That's_ a disguise? Now I _know_ this plan's gonna fail." Bowser Jr. complained. "Papa, all you put on him was a simple lei. The Princess and/or her servant is bound to recognize him!"

"Princie, do you _want_ me to take away the Bullet Blaster?" King Koopa threatened.

"No," answered Bowser Jr. sheepishly.

"Then stop whining about this plan!" said Bowser.

"Fine. But don't come crying to me when the Robo-Princess gets its ass handed to itself!" Bowser Jr. huffed.

Bowser sighed as they walked away from the pipe. "I gotta stop letting my kids watch 'Ren & Stimpy's Adult Party Cartoon'."

0-0-0

Later that day, Mario and Luigi were resting in front of a pond, fishing for Cheep-Cheeps.

"Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Fishing!" Mario sang.

"Ugh!" Luigi grunted. "Mario, do you _always_ have to sing that annoying tune whenever we do a one-syllable activity!"

"But Luigi, the fish love hearing the 60's Batman theme!" Mario reeled in a Cheep-Cheep. "See?"

"Aw, all I've caught are Bloopers. Anyway, shouldn't we be looking for Wario & Waluigi?"

"The Warios will come in good time, Luigi." Mario relaxed. "Until then, we're catching dinner!"

Just then, Toadette came running up. "Mario! Luigi! Get your tushies up! I got bad news!"

Luigi rolled his eyes at her. "Uh, Toadette, can it wait till we're done fishing?"

Mario did the same thing. "Yeah, just 'cause you're Toad's sister doesn't mean you have to imitate all his actions."

"But this is urgent!" she waved her arms.

"So urgent that we have to forget about fishing to come see it?" Luigi guessed.

"Forget it, Toadette." Mario pulled his hat brim over his eyes. "We're not getting up from this spot till we've gotten out fill o' fishes."

"I'll do the Puppy Dog Pout _and_ Plan B." Toadette said.

"Uhhhh... all right, we'll come see it." The Mario Bros. hated to see a grown man cry (especially when it was a girl), so they followed Toadette to see what was the matter. Much to their shock, they saw cars sinking into quicksand and firemen watering Fire Flowers.

"Aye aye aye! It's terrible, Mario!" Luigi covered his eyes. "I don't think I can look at it again!"

"Just look at this!" Toadette protested. "The Princess ordered the new highway to be built out of quicksand, and every Fire Flower in the kingdom extinguished!"

"Uh, how can you extinguish a Fire Flower simply by watering it?" Mario nitpicked this bit of idiocy. "It worked fine whenever I found one underwater!"

"But that's not the worst part. Look what her eyes did to my Chia Pet!" Toadette held up the Chia Pet, which had now been reduced to a pot of ashes.

"Really?" Mario looked at the pot. "I've never seen her act so strange! I didn't know she had Heatvision either."

"Maybe she needed a longer vacation," said Luigi stupidly.

"Or maybe SHE'S NOT THE REAL PEACH!" Toadette said it loud and clear.

"Stop making silly accusations, Toadette!" Mario still wouldn't listen. "I think maybe it's time we had an old-fashioned plumber-to-princess sex ses... uh, talk! Where'd you last see her heading?"

"To me and my brother's house," Toadette pointed.

"Then that's where we're goin'!" Mario shook a fist upward. "To the Toadcave!"

0-0-0

One scene-switch later, the Mario Bros. and Toadette arrived in front of Toad's House. But much to Mario and Luigi's surprise (but not Toadette's), they found "Peach" talking with Bowser.

"I don't believe this!" said Luigi.

"Neither do I!" said a shocked Mario. "Peach never told me she was having an affair!"

"Welcome, K-K-K-K-King Koopa!" RoboPeach stuttered. "I'm so glad you could c-come!"

"Good afternoon, Princess!" said Bowser politely. "So nice of you to invite me for tea!"

"Tea! With Koopa!" Mario stepped forward. "Princess, how can you be so nice as to have an affair _and_ tea with Bowser Koopa? He's the bastard who keeps kidnapping you so that he can take over the Kingdom! This is more confusing than 'Cinderella II'! And just where did you get Heatvision! Answer the second question first."

"My Heatvision is a b-b-b-b-b-bonus for purchasing these contact l-l-l-lenses," shammed RoboPeach. "And why shouldn't I be n-nice? After all, I'm t-turning my kingdom over to him!"

"You're _what!_" shouted Luigi.

"And you t-t-two are fired!" RoboPeach declared. "You have exactly one hour to get out of King Koopa's Mushroom K-K-K-Kingdom!"

"Make it 15 minutes, plumb scum!" added Bowser.

"Now wait a minute, Bowser!" said Mario angrilly. "Luigi and I ain't leaving the Kingdom just 'cause you somehow got Princess Peach to surrender! In fact, we're not gonna listen to you either, 'cause despite the fact that you always have taller sprites than us, all we have to is jump on you a few times and you die. It's as simple as that!"

"Oh, you've gotten _way_ out of line!" Bowser picked up the Mario Bros. and threw them aside. Then he did the same thing to Toadette.

Just as Mario and Luigi were picking themselves up, they heard familiar Italian cackles coming from the other side of the fence.

"Ah ha ha ha ha ha!" laughed Wario. "Look who just lost their jobs!"

"Yeah!" added Waluigi. "Some heroes you turned out to be!"

"Wario! Waluigi!" Mario shouted in a prejudiced manner. "I knew you two were behind all this!"

"Whachoo talkin' about, Mario?" Wario chortled. "Bowser's of a higher power than us."

"Yeah," Bowser called, "and they don't work for me, y'know!"

"And anyway, shouldn't yas be lookin' for a new job right about now? I hear Terlawk needs some new losers! Ha ha!" taunted Waluigi.

"And as for you two," RoboPeach declared to the Warios, "I am c-c-confiscating your treasures and sh-shutting down your microgame f-f-f-f-factory."

"What!" Wario jumped. "You're takin' my gold and shuttin' down Wario Ware!"

"Surely you wouldn't dare incur our wrath." Waluigi glared. "Surely you know what we do when you make us angry. Surely you can't take away our baubles and shut down our fair plant!"

"Oh, I m-most certainly can! And st-stop calling me Shirley," said RoboPeach. "Now all of you, get your derrieres out of King Koopa's Mushroom K-K-K-Kingdom!"

Wario shook. "I don't suppose I should make a speech of defiance?"

"Nah, it'd be wasted," Mario replied.

Bowser picked up the Mario Bros. and threw them aside again, this time much farther, before picking up the Wario Bros. and throwing them aside as well. Then he did the same thing to Toadette.

Mario dusted himself off. "Luigi, you get the feeling Princess Toadstool isn't exactly herself lately?"

"Yeah, I wonder what happened to the Princess that we know and love," pondered Luigi.

"I think I know." Toadette put up a finger. "That's a phony, and the real Peach is captured and/or still in Hawaii!"

"Toadette, we don't have time for your cornball objections!" Mario simply wouldn't listen. "Peach is surrendering the Kingdom to our greatest enemy! Of course you realize, _ this_ means a skirmish! Wario, Waluigi, you head over to our house and get the Red and Green Fires!"

"Uh, you guys get 'em yourselves! We gotta split!" Wario walked away.

"Yeah, we're gonna go gather up our stuff before the Princess takes 'em away!" Waluigi followed his brother.

"Well..." Mario turned to the girl. "Toadette, _you_ get them!"

"Nope." Toadette refused.

"I beg your pardon?" Mario closed an eye halfway.

"I'm gonna go, uh, help the Warios."

"Care to explain why?" Luigi lowered his own eye as well.

"Well... you two won't listen to a thing I say just because I was created to fill a slot for a racing pair!" Toadette crossed her arms.

"Oh! Listen here, you little bitch!" Mario cussed. "I've had about of you! Wait'll I tell King Toadstool about this hostile treason!"

"Need I remind you that he's not the best ruler we've had?" Toadette put up her arms.

"I think she's got us there," said Luigi to his brother.

"Look, if you won't listen to me when I talk about fakes, then screw you!" On the last three lines of Toadette's sentence, a truck drove by, honking its horn loudly. And then she walked off in the Warios' direction.

"Fine!" Mario shook his head in disgust. "Luigi, I'm beginning to think that Toadina's been possessed by... _TINY INVISIBLE GHOST MONKEYS!_"

Luigi looked weirded out. "That line was too silly for its own good."

0-0-0

Back in Hawaii, the now-tanned Princess Peach came a-surfing up to the shores where Kutter was waiting, all the while laughing like she was on crack.

"You're getting so good you could enter next week's surfing contest, which wasn't mentioned before!" said Kutter.

"Well... why not?" Peach considered. "C'mon, I'm gonna tell Toad we're gonna stay a couple more weeks!"

"Really? Just how long you here for?" Kutter wanted to know.

"I was taking a two-week vacation... but who cares!" Peach ran to tell Toad.

Not far away, Toad, still disgusted with how well Peach was getting along with Kutter, was trying to relax in his beach chair when a little girl and her blue-haired dad came walking by. Were they from some anime? In the background bushes, the pathetically-disguised Ludwig snuck around, trying to keep his lei on.

"Daddy," the little girl asked her father, "why does that little boy have an umbrella on his head?"

"Eat pineapple, kid!" said Toad rudely. "Do ya have any idea what it's like t'try t'relax when yer female companion seems t'be havin' romantic sparks with some utta guy rather dan da guy everyone wants her to get togetta wit'? Put yerself in my shoes sometime!"

"And why is that other guy sneaking through those bushes?" the nameless little girl noticed the thinly-disguised Ludwig.

"Probably a rock star hiding from his fans. They're everywhere." The blue-haired dad walked away with his daughter.

"Rock star!" Toad looked over the back of his chair. "Where?"

Peach walked up with Kutter. "Great news, Toad! I've decided to spend another week here in Hawaii!"

"Hey, dudette, I thought ya said "a _couple more_ weeks"," said Kutter, "meaning more than one."

"Save it, Kutter! Dat's no rock star in da bushes; it's Kooky Von Koopa!" Toad pointed to the badly-camouflaged Koopaling.

"What?" In his hiding place, Ludwig threw off his lei and stomped on it like it were a hat. "Shit! He recognized me! I should've known not to trust King Dad with my disguise!"

"What? Kooky? Is he taking a vacation too?" Peach figured.

"If Kooky's here in Hawaii," Toad deduced, "da rest o' da Koopas must be up to somethin'! Why didn't Mario and Luigi let us know!"

"Aah! I gotta get back!" said a startled Peach. "My subjects need me!"

"Subjects?" Kutter didn't understand. "What are ya, some kinda Princess? Like I'd ever meet one."

"She's not kiddin', Kutter!" yelled Toad. "She's da Princess of da Mushroom Kingdom!"

"And it's time I started acting like it!" said Peach. "Where's the nearest drain pipe?"

"Over there!" Toad pointed. "But if you ask me, I don't see how warp pipes can possibly be popping up on this planet. Maybe Nintendo Power's 'Project M' ruse was no joke!"

"'Princess'? 'Drainpipe'? 'Mushroom Kingdom'? _'Project M'?_" Kutter was getting more confused. "Will someone tell me what the shell's goin' on?

"Look, Kutter, you ever play those Nintendo games with the plumbers?" Peach broke her fourth wall.

"Oh yeah!" Kutter remembered. "You're that Princess who keeps getting kidnapped! Golly, I never figured I'd meet someone from a video game!"

"Well, Kutter, someday I hope I can make you feel as welcome in my world as you did in yours," said Peach.

"You sound like Roy Disney." Kutter pointed out.

"In the meantime, kiddo, we'd appreciate it if ya kept all this secret." Toad followed Peach to the warp pipe.

"No problem!" said Kutter, obviously faking sinceirty. "Like, no way I'm gonna risk mentioning this to anyone!" He looked around, then ran to the nearest telephone booth, dialed a number, and called a friend. "You were right, Milo. Video game characters _are_ coming to take over the world!"

0-0-0

Soon, at Peach Castle, the incredibly phony RoboPeach was performing the ceremony of turning over the Mushroom Kingdom to Bowser (who wasn't wearing his own crown per se) in front of a crowd inside one dinky room. Strangely, none of the Mushroomites were impeaching this bad move, despite all the impeachments they made earlier. And of course, none of them saw anything strange about "Peach's" appearance. Even stranger was that Ludwig was somehow in this audience, along with the other Koopalings, even though he was still in Hawaii.

"The Mushroom K-Kingdom is about to crown a new ruler! It is with g-g-g-g-great honor that I t-t-t-t-t-turn the crown of Mushroom Kingdom over to..." RoboPeach took its crown off during this announcement. "...the great..."

"Make that magnificent," suggested Bowser. "I like being called magnificent."

"...over to the _magnificent_ King K-K-K-K-K-Koopa!" stuttered RoboPeach.

"Yay!" Roy Koopa applauded. "Yay! Yay!"

"Good goin', King Dad!" cheered Morton Koopa Jr.

Unbeknownst to everyone, Mario and Luigi were watching from behind one of the columns. "Tell me, Luigi," Mario was finally starting to notice something weird, "if the Princess had a vacation in Hawaii, why doesn't she have a sun-tan?"

"Beats me," replied Luigi. "I'm beginning to think maybe Toadette was right!"

"By the power vested in me as Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom..." RoboPeach announced.

Outside, Peach and Toad came out a warp pipe sticking up in the air, landing by a big stupid water pipe that happened to be outside.

"Hurry up, dumbass!" Peach yelled, despite seeming to whisper it.

Toad turned the valve, and immediately water came gushing out at a high pressure towards the room where the ceremony was taking place. That's pretty good aim for someone who doesn't know which room it's in! Peach then got herself and her surfboard onto the water stream and, taking Toad with her, headed towards the window.

Inside, RoboPeach took its crown off again. "...I hereby n-n-name you Mr. and Mrs. T-T-T-T-Thomas Pic--uh, I mean, r-ruler of all the Mushroom K-K-K-Kingdom!"

Suddenly, the wall behind RoboPeach broke apart, and the _real_ Peach and Toad came surfing in, with "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" blaring behind them again. At one point, Toad briefly flashed on his normal attire before switching back to his swimwear. This surprised the heck out of everyone, including the Mario Bros.

Mario gasped. "I'm seeing double here - FOUR Peaches!"

Peach fired a harpoon that snatched her crown off of Bowser's head (despite that RoboPeach hadn't actually put it on his head, and that it had briefly turned into Bowser's own crown when it was) and placed back on her own head before drenching RoboPeach, causing it to rust. Bowser, suddenly wearing his own crown for a few seconds, ran and cowardly hid behind the throne. Right as the song reached its end, Ludwig came flying out of the outside pipe and into the room, knocking the head off of RoboPeach.

"Hey! Kooky just knocked one of the Princesses' heads off!" Mario still didn't realize that was a robot.

"Dad!" Ludwig ran up to his pop. "I came to warn you - the real Princess is coming back!"

"You're a little late, Kooky!" said Bowser. "She just showed up and put a clog in our plans!"

"I _told_ you this plan was gonna fail!" Bowser Jr. screeched. "You should've listened to me!"

Bowser talked under his breath. "There's only one thing that can possibly make this defeat any worse, son..."

"What's that, Jim? Uh, pop?" Ludwig asked.

Suddenly, the other wall broke apart, because the Wario Bros. were driving the Greedmobile inside, with Kim Possible in the back seat!

"Not so fast, Koopa!" yelled Wario. "Heeeeeeeeeeeere's Kimmy!"

"That." Bowser said, answering Ludwig's query.

Toad was estatic. "Hey, it's Kim Possible! And even better, not someone in a Kim Possible costume!"

Kim jumped out of the Greedmobile and looked at the downed RoboPeach. "Oh, sheesh. I know Drakken makes corny robots, but _this_ takes the cake! It's not even working!"

"Robot?" Mario looked at RoboPeach. "That's a robot!"

"D'oh!" Waluigi slapped his forehead. "We showed up too late!"

Just then, Toadette came running in, followed by Ron Stoppable, Kim's sidekick/best-friend/unofficial-boyfriend.

"Uh, we're here. Is everything OK?" Ron suddenly tripped on RoboPeach, somehow tearing off part of its exoskeleton. "Woops!"

Luigi's eyes bugged out at the robotic face of RoboPeach. "Oh my god, it _is_ a robot!"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you all along!" Toadette said angrilly.

"Ugh! Stupid Disney heroines! They'll be the death of me yet!" Bowser added to his revenge list "Kim Possible and her clumsy boyfriend," then grabbed Ludwig. "Stupid Robot Princess! It was all _your_ dumb idea! And if I weren't such a nice father, I would never let you try it!"

"You should've listened to my criticism!" Bowser Jr. screeched again.

"C'mon, kids!" Bowser called to the rest of his kids. "We gotta return to the castle to prepare for next week."

"Why, dad?" asked Larry Koopa. "What are we going to do next week?"

"The same thing we do every week, kids," Bowser answered, "try to take over the Mushroom Kingdom!"

The good guys stupidly watched as Bowser and his kids escaped through the hole that the Greedmobile had made.

"Hey, the villain's escaping!" Ron stated the obvious.

Rufus popped out of his master's pocket. "Nuts!" he uttered.

"Hey, so not the drama, Ron," said Kim. "He seems like a regular villain."

"Yeah, don't worry; he always does that." Mario turned to Toad's sister. "Well, Toadette, I guess Luigi and I owe you an apology. We should've listened when you said that Peach was a fake."

"Yes." Toadette didn't seem to be in the mood for forgiveness. "That's exactly why I helped Wario and Waluigi call up Kim Possible! At least _they_ saw through that pathetic robot!"

"They did!" Mario turned to his counterpart. "Wario, how did _you_ know the fake Peach was a robot?"

"How did _I_ know?" Wario scoffed. "That robot was so obvious even the most dim-witted Pokémon trainer could see through it! I mean, just look at it - the cold black lips, the non-natural dress fibers, the mechanical voice, the metallic hair, the lack of eye color... Clearly, that thing looked more like a reject from 'Robot Wars' than the Princess! I can't believe you didn't notice!"

The Mario Bros. thumped each others' heads. "D'OH!"

"Well, thanks for bringing us here anyway, Wario," said Kim.

"Aw, it's no big, KP," Wario grinned. "It was the least we could do, after you got us out of the hoosegow."

"She did?" Waluigi looked a bit confused. "But bro, I thought Samus Aran did..."

"Shut up, you fool!" Wario shoved his brother away and said to Kim, "Don't listen to him. He's a good man, but he's not quite right in the head. Uh, by the way, I think you and Ron make a great couple!"

"That's _my_ line, you stealer!" yelled Mario as Kim and Ron blushed behind him.

"Say, KP," requested Toadette, "you think you could replace my Chia Pet that RoboPeach burned?"

"Chia Pet? Wait a minute... Toadette, I toldja t'stay outta my room!" Toad scolded.

"I don't recall you telling me that before you left!" Toadette stepped back.

"Are we gonna end this, or what?" asked Ron.

"Yeah! Thanks for your help, KP!" Waluigi said hurriedly.

"Yes, I suppose." Toadsworth stepped forward. "Oh, uh... 'rad' surfin', Princess!"

"Ha ha, Toadsworth's right!" said Mario to the Princess. "Your Hawaiian vacation really came in handy!"

"Yeah!" Luigi looked out the hole the Koopas ran through. "Now bad ol' Koopa's the one who's gonna need a rest!"

"Welcome home, Princess!" said the Mario Bros., in unison.

"Thanks!" said Peach brightly. "Star-shaped iris out and all that."

* * *

I have a confession about this DVD (as mentioned in the last chapter). On November 15th, 2003, I actually watched the bonus "Sonic Underground" episode. Yes, I wasted a half-hour watching that crappy portrayal of Sega's aquaphobic mascot. The plot of the episode, "Sonic Tonic", was done before - to be more exact, in AoSTH's "Full-Tilt Tails". Robotnik had a great line about his invention making French fries, and I think _that's_ the reason Sleet made such a zoned-out expression following that line. But there were a lot of things I didn't understand. For example, Robotnik told Sleet & Dingo to roboticize Sonic, but Dingo just took Sonic to the dungeon instead. Also, Sleet & Dingo managed to fix their "big feet" problem by sweating the Sonic Tonic out of them, yet Manic & Sonia somehow cured themselves by whipping out their stupid instruments. Dumb. Anyway, now you've got the fifth chapter of this fanfic. Too bad the next chapter is the last one, eh? 


	6. Never Koop a Koopa

**Author's Note:** Geez, can you believe that there was once a time when I updated my fanfics at least once a month? I am getting so lazy. And I partially blame this hiatus on the fact that this site no longer allows script-format stories. And by the way, I do have more fanfic ideas coming; they just have yet to be green-lit. But if you visit DeviantART, you can check out my project ideas in one of my journal entries. Anyway, here's the final installment of _King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof_...

* * *

**"Never Koop a Koopa"**

_Morning in the Mushroom Kingdom. Mario was walking out of his house, reading the newspaper comics. "...Oh, those 'B.C.' guys - they're like an unfunny version of the Flintstones," he mumbled. "Hmmmm, speaking of cartoons, I need to tell those 'Invader ZIM' zealots to stop saying bad things about Nickelodeon just 'cause they felt that stupid show wasn't fitting for their network standards." Suddenly, he noticed Yoshi digging a hole. "Uh, hey Yoshi, what are you doing?"_

_"Yoshi digging!" answered Yoshi._

_"Why?"_

_"Yoshi making hole."_

_"A hole for what?"_

_"For more diggin'."_

_"Okay, then. And please, Yoshi, stop that whole baby talk thing!" Mario began to walk off; but suddenly tripped on something Yoshi had unearthed. "Hey, what's this?" He picked it up to see that it was... "A magic wand! Yoshi! Do you realize what this means?"_

_Yoshi poked his head out of his hole. "Uh, somebody buried a dead Hyrule Faerie in your front yard?"_

_"Yes. I mean, no!" Mario answered his question. "It means that anything I want, I can just produce it. If I want a heaping helping of pizza and other Italian delicacies, I'll just poof it up with this wand. And anyone I don't want on my show, I can just poof them over to some other show! And as for my show, I can put it on __all the channels and never lose my top spot in the ratings!"_

_"Um, how could you possibly trip over something as small as that?" Yoshi nitpicked._

_"Who cares!" Mario started skipping around gayly. "As long as I have this magic wand, the world is my toaster."_

_"You mean 'oyster'." Yoshi corrected._

_Mario briefly stopped skipping. "I __know what I mean, Yoshi."_

_As Mario frolicked with his new magic wand, the camera panned up into space to show a TV station satellite that was embossed with the TechTV logo (with the G4 logo spray-painted in front of it)._

_0-0-0_

_And in a company building in Los Angeles, on the set of "X-Play", Adam Sessler and Morgan Webb watched what Mario was doing on their monitors._

_"**This show is K-rated,**" said the disembodied voice, "**no adults unless it's Adam Sessler and Moooooooooorgan Webb!**"_

_"Hmmmm..." Adam muttered. "It would appear that Mario's TV career is about to jump the shark."_

_"Really?" said Morgan. "I had figured on that after the first episode. Right from the start, it's been hit-or-miss."_

_"Well, I personally didn't understand what was up with all those movie parodies in the first season. I mean, 'Muppet Babies' was more creative than that!"_

_"At least __this isn't as bad as the third season."_

_"This __isn't the third season?"_

_"Well, what made you think it was?"_

_"Well, Yoshi's right there, and he wasn't in any of the other seasons!"_

"Wait a minute, Mario," Luigi's voice was heard saying, "is this story actually going anywhere?"

0-0-0

The camera suddenly cut to Mario, Luigi, Princess Peach, and Toad having lunch outside Toad's house.

"Of course, Weege," Mario answered. "Eventually, I became king of the Manchines. Then the fellowship split, and Frodo met Gollum, who bit off his finger. The ring disappeared, and the Knights of the Round Table went their separate ways. During their travels, they fought trolls, warlocks, zombies, boy bands, and Dracula. Meanwhile, Will Turner met Legolas and everything got confusing. The ring was found again and used as the tassel to those 'Lord of the Rings' bookmarks, which Harry Potter bought. Lord Voldemort wanted it so Harry threw it into the volcano and everyone lived happily ever after in the house that Jack built."

"But Manchines are from the 'Masters of the Universe' Christmas Special." Luiigi pointed out.

"Are you calling me a liar, Luigi?" demanded Mario.

"Wait a minute, Mario," Peach interrupted. "If this is all true, what about all that stuff you _weren't_ around for?"

"Yeah, how didja know da guys from 'X-Play' were spyin' on ya?" Toad asked.

Mario rolled his eyes. "Oh, I just naturally assumed that it happened."

"This is the stupidest story I've ever heard," Peach declared, "and I've watched several episodes of 'Toad Patrol' and 'Mary-Kate and Ashley in Action'."

"Besides," said Luigi, "I do believe we used up all our 'Simpsons' jokes in the previous episode."

"OK, then, Miss Stereotypical Princess Who Only Acts Like A Stereotype Because The Writers Cannot Write Good Roles For Women," Mario, ignoring Luigi, addressed Peach. "_You_ find something for us to do when Bowser's walking up to us with a white flag!"

"He's what?" Peach turned around.

Sure enough, Bowser was walking up to the group, with his eight kids behind him (although during the scene that followed, much of them disappeared for a few seconds). He was holding a white flag and looked rather sad. Or at least as sad as a guy like Bowser Koopa could be.

"What the hell!" said a surprised Luigi. "He's giving up?"

"Could dis mean the end of our series?" The others looked at Toad when he said that. "...Of events?"

Bowser bowed in front of Peach. "Princess Peach, I'm giving up, because I frankly feel that you're far too clever for a lowly, humble, stupid, ugly, two-faced reptile such as me."

"Waitaminute! _I_ wanted to say dose bad qualities!" Toad noted that his line had been stolen.

Mario stood up. "Lemmie guess, Koopa. You're calling it quits?"

Bowser jumped back. "WHO TOLD YOU? Uh, I mean, yeah. My kids and I are leaving the Mushroom Kingdom forever."

"Daddykins," Wendy asked from behind her dad, "does this mean we have to apologize to Teamo Supremo too?"

"Shut up, Kootie Pie!" said Bowser through gritted teeth. "I don't wanna hear anymore about Riko Chepremo or Bueno Gireemo or Theo Fleao or whatever you call those imaginary enemies of yours!"

"Don't call me Kootie Pie!" Wendy cried.

"Uh, Koopa," Mario remarked, "there's something Luigi and I have to say about Kootie Pie's continuous mentions of the so-called 'Mucha Lupremo'. It's a funny story, see..."

Bowser ignored his nemesis and continued his act. "I feel bad for all the trouble I've caused you, Princess; please forgive me, etc."

"Well, you've kidnapped me several times and even had a robot look-alike of myself try to turn the Kingdom over to you," said the unconvinced Peach. "Why should I forgive you? This isn't a Disney sequel, you know."

"Because I'm letting you have the keys to my castle. Here." Bowser handed them to her.

"Really?"

"I'm donating our ex-home to charity." Bowser turned to his offspring. "Say goodbye, kids!"

As the eight Koopalings waved goodbye, they all had different thoughts spinning in their heads.

_Just shut up,_ thought Larry Koopa. _Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up..._

_I think I'll become a singer,_ thought Morton Koopa Jr. _Boy, I hope Eric Cartman's looking to get a partner for his musical career._

_I can't believe it!_ Wendy O. Koopa thought. _It's been four weeks, and King Daddyins still doesn't believe me when I mention Teamo Supremo! What is his problem!_

_Friends are someone you can open up to, da-da-da-da,_ thought Iggy Koopa, in singsong.

_Did I leave the oven on back home?_ thought Roy Koopa. _No, I checked. Did I? Yes, I'm quite certain I checked..._

_I can't believe Cartoon Network changed their image,_ thought Lemmy Koopa. _What was wrong with their old one?_

_From the normal distribution table,_ thought Ludwig Von Koopa, _we get (142 - n)/n 2, which is equivalent to n + 2n - 142 0. The latter is a quadratic. Ha ha, funny stuff..._

_I coulda been on "Futurama",_ thought Bowser Jr., _or maybe even "AquaTeen Hunger Force". But nooo, I had to end up here._

After the kids finished waving, Bowser produced a warp pipe with his Pipe-Making Wand (his alternative to his now-forgotten Sub-Space Potions), and the nine Koopas jumped down it. None of the Mario Group noticed that Bowser didn't look very sad when he was making the pipe, but they did hear Wendy still whining about Teamo Supremo.

Peach, on the other hand, felt the need to pose triumphantly with the Castle Koopa keys above her head. "Awe-suma! I could turn Castle Koopa into a Mushroom Orphanage!"

"But you've already got that, Princess!" Luigi nitpicked. "Remember 'The Great Gladiator Gig'?"

"Oh, all right, maybe I'll just make it a retirement center," Peach kicked some dirt, "or maybe even a movie theatre. Or a Wal-Mart!"

"I was gonna say a bad joke here," said Toad, "but I t'ink I'll avoid it."

"Forget it, Princess!" Luigi resisted. "Since none of the other villains are ever featured on this show for some strange reason, I'm willing to bet it's a trap."

"Aw, c'mon, Luigi!" said the optimistic Mario. "The Mushroom World needs a place with a wide selection of products at such low prices!"

"But Mario," reminded Luigi, "you told me in the previous chapter that we shouldn't take Bowser seriously just because he has taller sprites than us."

"Look, if Bowser is lying, he'll probably capture us," figured Mario. "So Peach and I will go look in there alone. If we're not back in eleven minutes, you come after us. And bring a bowl of my cereal!"

0-0-0

Soon afterwards, Mario and Peach arrived at the front door of Bowser's Castle.

"Oh sure, it's big enough, but look at the location!" Peach opened the door, causing a Dry Bones to come falling down.

"I didn't know you were a fan of the 'Shrek' movies." Mario said as they walked inside.

"'Shrek' who?"

"Shrek the ogre. Big green dude. Hangs out with a talking donkey. Married a princess with some sort of ugly curse. Starred in the most popular animated movie sequel in history."

"Sorry; I'm afraid I don't know him from the fact that no one from his movies showed up in the past few occasions."

"Funny. I thought Bowser had someone from those films on his revenge list."

"How do you know he has that?"

"I happened to notice him writing on it in the last episode."

"Ah. Speaking of Koopa," Peach indicated a painting of Bowser on the wall, "this portrait of him will be the first thing to go. It's as ugly as King Koopa was in person!"

"Good idea," Mario inspected. "Not only is it off-model, it's got some cheap effect that makes it look like its eyes are moving."

"INSULT MY BOSS'S BUDGET, EH!" a Thwomp came down on them.

"Yipe!" Mario and Peach jumped out of the way.

"Crap crap crap crap!" the Thwomp cussed. "I missed! I hate missing!"

"Hmmm, for someone who's donated his house to charity, you'd think Bowser would've turned off his traps. He also should've told them not to curse so much." Suddenly, Mario looked ahead and noticed something.Look! A Ptooey!"

"Ptooey to you, Mario!" said Ptooey #1.

"Yeah, there's two of us!" Ptooey #2 counted. "Did you flunk math or something?"

"You call that a joke?" Mario didn't laugh. "I've heard funnier things on 'Gilligan's Island'."

"Oh, you make me so mad, I could take a shit in your bathtub!" Ptooey #1 repeated the joke.

"What did you say about my mother! Aaaaagh! I'm taking you out... and I don't mean dinner and a movie!" Mario jumped on Ptooey #1, ripped off its head, and stuffed it into Ptooey #2's mouth. "That takes care of the Ptoo-oh Duo."

"Maybe I should've asked Koopa if he had turned off his traps before he left," said Peach, saying what Mario already said.

"Uh yeah, I said that already." Mario went ahead to the next corridor. "Hang on a second, Princess! There might be a killer army waiting for us down this corridor. Since you're only learning to be dynamic, let me handle them."

Mario rushed into the corridor with some action music playing. He screamed a battle cry as Peach heard sounds of a struggle and watched severed Koopa Troopa heads and Goomba brains come flying in front of her. Afterwards, Mario returned, holding the head of a Boomerang Bro.

"OK, Peach," he said, "it's safe to pass through now."

"Mario!" Peach scolded. "That's stretching the limits of what they show on this network! Besides, Luigi was saving that raid for in case you got killed."

"What, like in some Flash-animated sprite comic?" Mario meta-referenced. "Get real. Anyway, once we finish off all the traps, we can change this into... whatever you wanna turn it into."

"All right," said Peach. "But first we better find our way back to the door."

Suddenly, a trap door opened up underneath the pair and dumped them into a dungeon cell. Bowser and Larry were standing outside the cell.

"Well, lookie here, Cheatsy!" the Koopa King gloated. "We have guests. I hope our accommodations suit them well. 'X-Play' gave it a 4... out of 5."

"Damn you, Bowser!" Peach cursed. "I knew I couldn't trust you!"

"Uh, technically, it was _Luigi_ who knew Bowser couldn't be trusted," Mario corrected. "_You're_ the one who believed Koopa! Well, now I _know_ the Big Fat List of TV Clichés needs to add this entry - 'Bad guy pretends to surrender in order to lead good guys into trap!'"

"This is no time to talk about TV clichés, Mario," said the Princess.

"Well, did you really think I'd let you win?" Bowser showboated. "That I'd just surrender and give you the keys to my humble abode? That I'd let the Wario Bros. or Tatanga or Captain Syrup become the main source of the Mushroom Kingdom's problems? That I'd let my contract expire early? That I'd let this show get cancelled?"

"Not really," answered Mario. "But what I want is an explanation as to how you knew exactly where to open that trap door!"

"You have a point. I must remember to thank that dark shadowy guy on 'Codename: Kids Next Door' for providing me with these heat-seeking trap doors." Bowser turned to Larry. "Now listen up, my boy! Lemmie give you some more lessons in... **_How to Lie and Cheat!_**" He was then suddenly standing in front of a big rocky logo that read "How to Lie and Cheat", wearing a graduation cap. "Do you want to be more rotten? Sure, all baddies do. Here at Castle Koopa University, you can get the experience you need to be almost half as villainous as I am. Get your certificate in: Cheesing People Off; Indian-Giving; Cutting Ones; Doing Some Other Things; Home Invasion; Cracking Wise; World Domination; Sending Me a Dollar; Total Spaceship Guy; TV/VCR Repair; or GET YOUR DEGREE! Applying is easy. Just get out a postcard, write on it that you wish to join, and send it to King Bowser Koopa, 638 Vista Hill, Darkland MW 53042, and you'll be on your way to a nastier, eviler you. Remember, at Castle Koopa University, the future is, uh... you. Probably. Anyway...He threw off his graduate cap and got rid of the logo. "Cheatsy, here's today's lesson. First, you tell 'em a big lie to get them in your clutches, just like I did at the beginning of this episode. Then, you squeeze them for the big pay off!"

But "Cheatsy" didn't hear him. He was listening to the "Earthworm Jim" theme song on his Walkman. "EARTHWORM JIM! Through the soil he did crawl!" he sang along. "EARTHWORM JIM! A super-suit did fall!"

"Gimmie that!" Bowser ripped the Walkman off of Larry.

"Dad!" Larry yelled.

"That's _King_ Dad to you!" Bowser corrected. "I'm the king here, and I decide who listens to video game cartoon music! Now, Cheatsy, watch me dupe these dupes out of their cookie ingredients!"

"What!" said Mario and Peach simultaneously.

"That's right, Mario!" Bowser pointed at his enemy. "I want to know why your cookies taste so delicious!"

"You mean Sunshine's Super Mario Bros. Cookies?" Mario referenced. "For crappy butt monkey's sake, Bowser! They discontinued that a long time ago!"

"They did? Okay, forget that." Bowser moved onto his other goal. "I want you to sign over the Mushroom Kingdom."

"Sign over the Mushroom Kingdom? Never!" Peach swore. "Eat spit and die!"

"Aw c'mon!" Bowser pulled out his scroll from chapter 4. "I had this charter all made and everything."

"NO!" Peach yelled.

"Look, Bowser, you sure you wanna take over the Mushroom Kingdom so badly?" Mario asked. "All your other takeovers have been rather wasteful."

"Yeah... but not completely wasteful. You see..." Bowser started singing to the tune of "Be Our Guest". "Some men hunt for sport, others hunt for food; / The only thing I'm hunting for, is an outfit that looks goo-o-o-o-od..."

"Stop that, stop that!" Mario killed the music. "You're not going into a song while I'm here."

"Oh, you're always spoiling my fun," pouted Bowser.

"Look, Koopa," Peach insisted, "the point is I'm not gonna sign my kingdom over. And don't you try making any false promises again!"

"Not to worry, Princess!" Mario reminded. "Judging from some of Bowser's previous defeats, some other hero is bound to come in and rescue us!"

"Ah, I knew you'd hope for that, Mario!" said Bowser gleefully. "That's why I've installed a Non-Mario Character Alarm System!"

"What!"

"That's right!" Bowser explained. "Whenever a character who isn't a Mario character comes into the castle, the alarm will sound and we can capture him. Just look at your cellmate!"

Mario looked at the cellmate near him. It was a tiger standing on his hind legs, wearing a handkerchief around his neck. "Frosted Hairballs have a taste adults have grown to be disgusted by," said the tiger. "They're grrrrross!"

"Tony the Tiger?"

"No, no. I'm his great-uncle, Toenail." The tiger introduced himself.

"How'd you end up here?" Mario inquired.

"I came in shilling my cereal and he threw me in here," Toenail explained.

"I don't remember you."

"That's 'cause my ads were never shown on TV!" griped Toenail. "Those Kellog cheapskates thought I was too disgusting for them."

"Are you done fraternizing there?" Bowser asked. "I'd like to get this signing underway."

"I said 'no!'" yelled Peach.

"Well then, allow me to introduce you to both my secret weapon and your doom!" Bowsed pulled a lever that began to flood the cell with a bunch of zombie-like nerds.

"All hail Microsoft," said the nerds in unison. "Nintendo sucks just because they don't make use of online play and the GameCube doesn't play DVDs even though video game systems are supposed to just play video games."

Mario gasped. "Ohno! XBox fans! Along with Bowser, Wario, Bob-Ombs, and Stanley the Talking Fish, they're high on my list of unfavoritest things!"

"There's no such word as 'unfavoritest'." Peach pointed out.

"Welcome to DiC Entertainment, red-haired blonde," declared Toenail.

"Y'see, Cheatsy?" Bowser said to his son. "Unless they give into my demands, I'll keep torturing them with XBox propaganda! Now _that's_ truly evil!"

0-0-0

Outside, in the Castle Koopa moat (which, strangely, was _not_ lava), Luigi and Toad were waiting in their small motor boat. Where did they get that boat? I hate not knowing things!

"Oh, it's been 11 minutes now and Mario and da Princess still haven't come out!" moaned Toad. "I told 'em to not go in dere, or at least lemmie provide 'em with da necessary equipment, but did dey listen to me? _Nooooo!_"

"Aw, quit whining, Toad," said Luigi. "We'll go in through the underwater drainpipe that Bowser has conveniently installed under his castle."

Toad put on sunglasses and replied sarcastically. "Good idea, Luigi! Water is my favorite element in da whole world! Water Land is my favorite place to go in dis crazy world! I love to dive around in it like a porpoise, and burrow through it like a gopher, and toss it up and let it hit me on da head."

"Great! Let's go!" said Luigi.

"You idiot!" Toad shouted. "I was only kidding!"

Not listening to Toad's griping, Luigi grabbed him and swam to the aforementioned drainpipe, not noticing the Boss Bass behind them. During this, Luigi's pant leg mysteriously turned red for a second.

Afterwards, they came up in the castle and at the feet of two Sledge Bros.

Luigi made a feminine gasp. "A Sledge Brother!"

"You big mook!" said Sledge Bro #2. "There's two of us! Did you flunk math or something!"

"For that little mathematical error," said Sledge Bro #1, "we shall have to imprison you."

0-0-0

So the Sledge Bros. took Luigi and Toad to Bowser, who was still gloating to Larry over the way he was torturing Mario, Peach, and Toenail.

"So you see, Cheatsy," Bowser continued, "to be a real big cheat, you have to double-trick, double-deal, and double-cross! Uh, are you listening to me?"

Larry was watching "ChalkZone" on his portable TV. "No, no, Rudy! Don't listen to her! She just wants to take you away from Penny!"

"Turn that thing off! You know I hate that program!" Bowser snatched the TV away and turned it off. "Anyway, as I was saying, double-crossing is a great way to be evil."

"Doublecross, eh?" Larry was looking rather sneaky.

"You heard me."

"Got it, King Dad!"

"Hey Toenail," Mario said to the tiger, "did you see that sneaky expression on Cheatsy's face? I think it's some sort of set-up."

"Shut up;" Toenail shushed, "you'll spoil the ending."

"What? Like it's not predictable?"

At that point, the two Sledge Bros. came in, carrying Luigi and Toad. "Excuse us, boss," said Sledge Bro #1, "but we happened upon these enemies of yours while we were looking for your copy of The Scarlet Letter."

"Oh goody!" Bowser danced in glee. "Throw them in and then abruptly grab the Princess so that I may taunt her some more!"

So, doing as Bowser commanded, the Sledge Bros. tossed Luigi and Toad into the cell, then grabbed Peach out of it and shut the door.

"Now continue searching for that book!" commanded Bowser. "I shall continue my taunting over Princess What's-Her-Name here."

"I resent that remark," said Princess What's-Her-Name.

"What was that!" Bowser asked.

"Looked like a quick cameo, sir," answered Sledge Bro #1.

"Uh, if you'll pardon our asking," said Sledge Bro #2, "you could've just taunted her while she was still inside the cell."

Bowser ignored the Sledge Bros and sent them away. "Now then, Princess, two more of your friends shall be forced to listen to the drivel of Microsoft supporters! That is, unless you sign the friggin' contract."

"You drive a hard bargain, flea-bait," insulted Peach. "Will you have court photographers?"

"Oh, we're fond of the paparazzi, are we?" Bowser teased. "Well, so am I. I always have court photographers when I do these kind of things!"

"He does?" said Luigi to the others. "How come I never noticed them?"

"OK, I'll sign on three conditions," agreed the Princess. "One, move us to the throne room. Two, change that tacky outfit. Three, go buy the 'Family Guy' DVDs."

"Wait a minute - you're gonna sign the Kingdom over?" Mario was disappointed. "Princess Peach Toadstool, I'm ashamed of you. And _I'm_ her faithful subject."

"Welcome to DiC Entertainment, Italian from Brooklyn," declared Toenail.

"Hmmm, that last one's a little extreme, and I'm not really wearing anything," Bowser pointed out the flaws of Peach's demands. "But if it'll get you to sign my contract, OK. Cheatsy! While I call up the other Tomato Sauce Vampires and get the 'Family Guy' DVDs, take everyone to the throne room!"

"Uh, are you gonna steal the DVDs?" Larry asked.

"No, I'll buy them fairly. I've saved up for 'em. See you in a few minutes!" Bowser bolted for the exit.

"OK. And thanks for the cheating lesson! Heh heh heh heh..." Larry chortled to himself. "Now I shall make like Snively and take over the throne!"

Peach looked at the youngest Koopaling. "Uh, Larry, I'm still out here."

"Shut up and get back in the cell!" Peach did so as Larry called for the... "Guards!"

The Sledge Bros. re-entered the room. "Yes sir?"

"Larry? Uh, pardon me, but we only answer to King Bowser," Sledge Bro #1 reprimanded.

"Shut up," commanded Larry, "and take the prisoners to my room!"

"Wait, you're moving us to your room!" Peach bit. "Why'd you bother making me go back in the cell!"

"Hey bitch," said Sledge Bro #2, "so long as none of the other kids aside from Princie are around, he's the boss."

0-0-0

One scene-switch later, the Sledge Bros. were standing on guard outside Larry's room. Inside, Larry was shoving Bowser's scroll at Peach, with the rest of the good guys (and Toenail) locked in the closet.

"Let us out of here, you little bastard!" Mario yelled from inside, pounding on the door.

"Hey, at least he didn't stick the XBox Fans in here with us." Luigi looked on the bright side.

"Oh yeah!" Larry bit at them from outside. "Well, if Little Miss Pinky here don't sign the contract, it's back to the Microsoft Harem for you!"

"Gee, I guess I have no choice," said Peach sarcastically, taking a pen and drawing on the dotted line. "There! I hope you go choke on a churro!"

"Woo hoo! The Mushroom Kingdom's all mine! Now I can get stoned if I want to! Wait'll I tell Dad that I double-crossed _him!_" And Larry skipped off girlishly with the scroll.

"All right, guys, I'm gonna break you out now even though I should've done it a few minutes ago!" Peach broke a nearby lamp, prompting the Sledge Bros. to run in. Along with them came those unidentifiable voices one more time, this time to sing about how to avoid being burned.

As the song blasted everywhere, the Sledge Bros. threw their hammers at Peach, who jumped out of the way, causing the hammers to hit the closet and set the Marios, Toad, and Toenail free. With stunning cruelty, Mario and Luigi jumped on the Sledge Bros. Then two Fire Chomps flew in from out of nowhere, spitting fire at them, but Toenail made use of his claws and slashed the Fire Chomps into potato salad.

"Whoa! Nice move, Tony," commented Luigi.

"I'm _Toenail,_" corrected the tiger. "Tony's my great-nephew."

"Whatever," said Toad. "Anyway, we gotta find some way to escape!"

"Not to worry, _ paesano!_" said Mario. "As of Super Mario Bros. 3, Luigi and I can fly, and since Andy Heyward hasn't actually played the game, that means you and Peach can fly too!"

"Awe-suma times two!" Peach declared. "Hey Toenail, you wanna come with us?"

"Nah," declined Toenail. "Being a rather large tiger, I might fracture your flights. Law of grabbity, you know."

"Um, it's 'gravity'," corrected Mario.

"Whatever," said Toenail. "Besides, I can fight a way out to the entrance. And fortunately, since Bowser turned off his Non-Mario Character Alarm so he could let his friends in, getting out shouldn't be a problem for me."

"All right. Good luck, Toenail." Mario turned to the others and said, "C'mon, guys, let's find some Super Leaves!"

0-0-0

Over in the throne room, Bowser, clad in his Tomato Sauce-Sucking Vampire cowl, was walking towards his throne where the signing was supposed to be held. On the right-hand side of the room sat a quartet of Goombas, each holding cameras and notepads in their own bizarre way. What do you expect from Goombas? They don't have hands. On the other side stood Bowser's fellow Tomato Sauce Vampires - Count Ganondorfula, Count Giovannicula, Count Dedede, Kount K. Rool, and Count Minchula. Along with some of them were their most loyal lackeys.

"Hey, Bowser!" King Dedede called. "What'd ya call us up to yo' place for?"

"This had better be important." Ganon looked pretty ticked off.

"I agree with Ganondorfula," said Giovanni. "The rest of us have plans to make."

"It _must_ be important," reasoned Pokey Minch. "After all, Koopula _is_ the great Count Dracula's second-in-command."

"Did you get a new victim?" asked King K. Rool.

"Even better! I've convinced Princess Peach to sign her kingdom over to me! That's why I called you all here. I wanted you guys to witness the event! Now then..." Bowser wais suddenly knocked over by Larry, who then made himself comfy on the throne. "Whoa! Get off my throne, you ugly upstack!"

"Hey, don't treat your second-youngest kid like that, ya tubby turtle!" shouted Escargoon, King Dedede's sidekick.

"Don't play dumb, Escargoon!" Bowser shouted back. "I've got six older kids, remember? Cheatsy's only my second-youngest."

"Careful King Dad, I mean, _ex_-King Dad!" said Larry.

"There, see what I mean?" Escargoon bit.

"Cheatsy! Don't call me ex-King Dad!" Bowser yelled "As long as you're not an adult, I'm still your guardian."

"Yeah, but I'm the new king of the Mushroom Kingdom, see?"

"Lemmie see..." Bowser looked at the document as Larry took his crown.

Larry tried to keep the crown on his head. "'Course, since you gave me the idea to cheat you out of it, I'll make sure you get a cushy assignment. Say, cleaning the royal stables?"

"Hmmm, sounds like a good chore..." voiced Klump, K. Rool's general.

"Not for me, it isn't!" shuddered Escargoon.

Bowser eyed the document, then turned to Larry and took his crown back. "You nincom-koop!"

"Hey!" yelled Larry. "That's mine!"

"No, it's _mine_, you double-crossing dumbass!" Bowser cussed. "Look!"

"Hey, you just said..." Larry suddenly gasped at where the signature should've been. There was a picture of a stupid clown face sticking out its tongue drawn there. It had a black outline and was all blue. Peach must have been a talented artist to make a two-color picture with just one utensil.

"The Princess may not sign the scroll for you, or any of your siblings, or the Wario Bros., or any other villains in the Mushroom World, or maybe even the other Tomato Sauce Vampires," said Bowser, "but I'll make her sign it for _me!_ Where're the freakin' prisoners!"

"Um, locked in my room," Larry answered.

"Are you sure?"

"Well, that's where I last remember leaving them..."

"Not anymore!" Mario's voice was heard outside.

"Huh!" said Bowser and Larry simultaneously.

Ganon, Giovanni, Dedede, K. Rool, and Pokey looked on as Bowser and Larry looked out the window. All four of the Mario group had gotten Raccoon Power and were flying out the window. Since when could Peach and Toad use Power-Ups?

"Bye-bye, assholes!" teased Toad.

"Ohhhh!" Bowser slapped his forehead. "This always happens!"

"There, see what happens when ya let 'em out of yer sight?" Escargoon bit again.

"Guards! Guards!" called Bowser.

"Give it up," said Mario, "we already flew the Koopa!"

"Y'know, that'd better be the last bad pun on this show," said Luigi as they flew off into the distance.

Bowser mumbled angrilly.

"What's he sayin', sire?" Escargoon asked his boss.

"Ah dunno," replied Dedede. "Ah think he's mumblin'."

"It's all your fault, you dirty sneaky lying cheating two-faced giant ninja double-crosser!" Bowser shouted at his son.

"But King Dad!" Larry backed away. "You should be proud of me! I was only doing bad like you taught me!"

"Oh sure! The next thing you know, I'll be hearing _you_ blaming your losses on me and those fictional Darko Wingo characters! Stand still while I give you the rest of the lesson!" And with that, Bowser started chasing Larry around the throne. After a while, Larry hid behind the throne as Bowser continued chasing nothing in particular.

Finally, Dedede broke up the chase. "AWWW, STOP CHASIN' YO' KID, BOWSER!"

Bowser stopped running. "I beg your pardon?"

"Ah said ya shouldn't be chasin' yo' own kid in anger," repeated Dedede. "An' ya shouldn't blame 'em for your own losses!"

"Well, Kootie Pie keeps blaming her loss of her America takeover on these fictional characters she claims _I_ let capture her!"

"Maybe not, but yuh shoah let her be captured by those two plumbers yuh just can't beat!"

"Look who's talking! You can't even kill a simple puffball, and you never do anything about that little girl who's always badmouthing you!" said Bowser as Larry backed out of the room. "Not to mention you're so fat! I'd hate to see how fat your mama is!"

"Why does everyone hafta make fun of _mah_ weight problem?" Dedede whimpered. "Why don't they make fun of Mr. Dink? Or King Hubert? They're _WAY_ fatter than me! In fact, you're pretty obese yourself! And how'd yuh even have kids anyway?"

"Count Dedede has a point," added K. Rool. "I've never seen _Mrs._ Koopa anywhere. Have either of you?"

"No," replied Giovanni.

"Nope," responded Ganon.

"I think he _did_ have a mate," answered Pokey. "But she was in that crappy live-action movie where he was played by Dennis Hopper, and his enemies were played by Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo!"

"Oh, do you honestly have to mention that film?" moaned Bowser. "Well, at least I kidnap princesses! Dedede just steals food! Why, he stole all of Dreamland's crops in his first game!"

"He just stole food in his first game? Ha ha!" Pokey laughed. "I pulled the strings of the apparent bad guy of MY game!"

"Well, _I'm_ still superior to you, Pokey!" K. Rool declared. "I starred in _four_ games! _You_ didn't even come back for _your_ game's sequel, which got cancelled anyway!"

"Yes, but _you_ lost in every one of your games!" Pokey poked his nose in K. Rool's snout.

"Yeah! At least _Ah_ didn't get ousted from mah throne after mah first two losses!" Dedede taunted.

"Hold it right there, big fella!" Klump defended his boss. "Ah may not have much of a family tree, but Krusha and Ah are still very loyal to the boss, unlike Count Minchula's little brother!"

"Hey Klump!" Bowser interrupted. "You're leaving out the fact that your boss is sometimes upstaged by that pirate who happens to be _your_ brother!"

"D-uhhh..." Krusha, K. Rool's strong-yet-childlike bodyguard, added, "at least our boss and Team Rocket's boss were drawn correctly on TV."

"Yeah!" said Klump. "Since you have DiC Entertainment doing your show, EVERYONE looks off-model!"

"Oh... I'm burnt. Well, at least I'm a caring father..." Bowser then addressed Giovanni. "...unlike you, _Mr. Ketchum!_"

"Look who's talking, Mr. 'Nintendo-Entertainment-Systems-Have-Computer-Viruses-Stored-Inside-Them'!" Giovanni bit back. "At least on _my_ live performance, _my_ evil plot made a hell of a lot of sense, and I wasn't played by a sitcom actor wearing plaid pants and jester bells!"

"That's right, King Koopa!" added Giovanni's favorite lackey, Domino. "Your portrayal at the 50th Annual Ice Capades was a fashion no-no!"

"Oh... I'm DOUBLE-burnt!" Bowser groaned. "Well, so what if I didn't look like myself in the Super Mario Ice Follies? At least _that_ show had its performance shown on TV! 4Kids won't even release 'Pokémon Live!' on DVD!"

Giovanni rubbed his chin. "Hmm, you have a point there, Koopula."

"It don't really matter anyway," said Bowser. "In your first games, you gave up your evil ways after your kid defeated you twice, then you disappeared mysteriously after your third loss to him, therefore not reappearing for the later games! And in those games, your Gym was taken over by that brat whose butt you kicked in the TV show! Then you let two even crappier teams replace yours in the most recent games!"

"And why do you keep Jessie & James around after so many losses?" asked Pokey. "_I_ would've fired them by now!"

"Ridiculous!" Giovanni dismissed. "Mother Brain fired her lackeys once, and they struck some mighty revenge on her! I wouldn't want that happening to me."

"Boy, no wonder yuh got left out of the Home for Cartoon Villains!" Dedede bragged. "Now this evil voice Ah once met trusted me with a part of the FoxBox Broadcast Code! You, Bowser, can't even get your own kids' names right!"

"That's not my fault!" Bowser shook his head. "The writers of this show didn't read the instruction manual! Besides, I stole the Star Rod once! Unlike you, Ganon! You can't even bring the Triforce of Wisdom to your pretty little Death Mountain! And after all your claims of the Triforce of Power making you near-invincible! Not to mention you let one version of your enemy reclaim that Triforce from you!"

"Didn't you pay attention to that story! I tricked him into using the Triforce of Power without wisdom and courage to guide him. And needless to say, I made him pig out!" Ganon laughed at his joke.

"That was a horrible pun," heckled Pokey. "I'm probably the only one here who _can_ make a good pig joke."

"That's it! There's only one way to settle this! _ ¡Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuucharaaaaaaaannnnnnnnn!_" Bowser somehow generated a wrestling ring around him and all the other big baddies. "Let's fight to the finish!"

"Ladies first!" declared Pokey as an offscreen bell dinged.

"BOWSER'S FIERY FIREBALL OF FIERY FIRENESS!" Bowser transformed into a fireball.

"GANON'S EVIL TRACTOR OF LIES!" Ganon transmogrified into a tractor.

"GIOVANNI'S ROTTEN ROCKET!" Giovanni turned into a rocket.

"DEDEDE'S HAMMERTON MENACE!" Dedede took the shape of a giant hammer.

"THE KREMTRUCK OF MAYHEM!" K. Rool changed into a garbage truck.

"SPIDER OF HAVOC!" Pokey mutated into a spider.

And so the six Tomato Sauce Vampires began beating the crap out of each other, with all the lackeys cheering on their respective bosses. Close by, a stalwart goatee-wearing robot who had wandered in watched the fight unfolding in front of him.

"Hmmm," said Flexo, "maybe this isn't a good time to visit someone who's got the 'Family Guy' DVDs..."

* * *

**Epilogue**

The three Warner Siblings came running through a park, their theme music blaring all over the place. After a few seconds, they came to a stop.

"It's that time again!" Yakko declared.

"To say mean and nasty things about Jetix on Toon Disney?" guessed Dot.

"To swindle Cardinal into manufacturing our own trivia game?" supposed Wacko.

"No, it's time to learn today's lesson. And to find out what it is, we turn to... the Wheel Of Morality!" Yakko gave it a spin. "Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn! Moral #8. And the moral of today's story is..." He read the paper that printed out. "Eat, drink, and e-mail Strong Bad."

"I think someone's jamming in subliminal advertising," said Wacko.

"I saw it coming back in the second episode," sighed Dot.

Just then, the Warners heard a whistle blowing from offscreen. With a "Yipe!", they darted off, with Ralph the Guard not far behind, shaking his fist at them.

* * *

**Cast** (in speaking order)

Tom Kenny - Intro Narrator / "SpongeBob SquarePants" Narrator  
Harvey Atkin - King Bowser Koopa  
Paulina Gillis - Wendy O. "Kootie Pie" Koopa / Little Girl With No Name  
Tracey Moore - Princess Peach Toadstool  
Tony Rosato - Luigi "Mr. Lean and Green" Mario  
Walker Boone - Mario Mario  
John Stocker - Toad / The Sultan / Extra Servant #5  
Carlos Alazaraqui - Denzel Q. Crocker / Talking Quarter / Rocko / Suspicious Man (Hot Tub)  
Spencer Breslin - "Captain" Crandall Connors  
Alanna Ubach - Hector "Skate Lad" Corrio / Brenda "Rope Girl" Snyder  
John Kricfalusi - Fire Bros. / Boomerang Bros. / Ren Hoek  
Gordan Masten - Morton "BigMouth" Koopa Jr.  
Barbara Bush - Herself  
Michael Stark - Ludwig "Kooky" Von Koopa  
George Bush - Himself  
Dan Hennessey - Roy "Bully" Koopa  
John Rankin - Larry "Cheatsy" Koopa  
Tara Strong - Bowser "Princie" Koopa Jr. / Iggy "Hip" Koopa / Lemmy "Hop" Koopa / Harold Hutchins  
Cam Clarke - Leonardo / Rocksteady  
Townsend Coleman - Michaelangelo  
Barry Gordon - Donatello / Bebop  
Rob Paulsen - Raphael / Kutter / Ptooeys / Yakko Warner  
Ted Lewis - Giovanni / Escargoon  
Len Carlson - Ganon / General Klump  
Ben Campbell - King K. Rool  
Richard Yearwood - King Dedede  
Jim Cummings - Pokey Minch / Darkwing Duck / Dr. Ivo Robotnik / Tex Avery's Wolf / Blue-Haired Father with Also No Name  
Debi Derryberry - Jimmy Neutron  
Veronica Taylor - Billy Hatcher  
Thurl Ravenscroft - Tony the Tiger / Toenail the Tiger  
Nancy Cartwright - Bart Simpson / Rufus  
James Avery - Shredder  
Eric Stuart - Dial Bolic  
Nathan Lane - Timon Berkowitz  
Ernie Sabella - Pumbaa the Warthog  
Jason Marsden - George Beard / Rikochet  
Billy West - Stimpy J. Cat  
Patrick Warburton - Kronk  
Richard Steven Horvitz - Invader ZIM  
Daniel Radcliffe - Harry Potter  
Matt Chapman - Strong Bad / Bubs  
John Cleese - Gumby 1  
Michael Palin - Gumby 2  
Terry Jones - Gumby 3  
Eric Idle - Gumby 4  
Terry Gilliam - Gumby 5  
E.G. Daily - Rudy Tabootie  
Hynden Walch - Penny Sanchez  
Candi Milo - Snap  
Tress MacNeille - Toadette / Little Girl with No Name / Dot Warner  
June Foray - Granny  
Eric Goldberg - Tweety Pie  
Charles Martinet - Unnamed Mushroom Doctor / Kool-Aid Man / Toadsworth / Wario / Waluigi  
Harry Shearer - Kool-Aid Advertising Agent #2 / Lightsabre-Dueling Mushroomite #1  
Hank Azaria - Lightsabre-Dueling Mushroomite #2  
Julie Kavner - Protesting Toad #1  
Dan Castellaneta - Frank / Thwomp  
Christy Carlson Romano - Kim Possible  
Will Friedle - Ron Stoppable  
Adam Sessler - Himself  
Morgan Webb - Herself  
Kath Soucie - Princess What's-Her-Name  
John DiMaggio - Flexo

* * *

Well, I'm sad to say that _King Koopa Kastrophe Spoof_ is over. Or is it? Because I've just found out there's two other "Adventures of SMB3" DVDs over in the UK that are just like this one (but, fortunately, without any bonus "Sonic Underground" episodes). So what does this mean? It means that I've got a sequel to do! Stay tuned for _King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof 2_ (that's a tentative title, mind you), coming later this year! 


End file.
